I have been dating my boyfriend a year and 3 months. I'm 46, he's 47. We both live in NYC and have full time jobs and busy lives. He lives with his mother. His father passed away 2 1/2 years ago, and since then he has been taking care of her. She's in her mid-60s, diabetic, sciatic, depressed, and is in a fragile mental state. She was one of those women who was 100% reliant on her husband, and now relies on her son to take care of her. When we first started dating seriously last year, I was hesitant to get into a committed relationship with my boyfriend because I was concerned he did not have enough time to dedicate to a real partnership. Not only is a he a caretaker for his mom, he works full time, has an independent music label, and has a teenage son from a previous marriage. He convinced me that he was committed to being with me, so I decided to give it a try. He even said that he had thought about our future, and that if things worked out, he'd consider moving in with me. Things went well for the first year or so. We got closer. He did a few things to make his mother more independent, like getting her to take handidart to church, so that we'd have more time on the weekends together. We went on a two vacation to Europe in the summer. We have a wonderful love and friendship, and I believe the relationship has true potential. Throughout this period, I have frequently felt that my boyfriend does not make enough time to spend with me. I often feel that I am not enough of a priority. It is so hard to find time together, and he cancels and changes plans with me frequently. Recently, his mother stopped taking her medication and became so weak he had to take her to the ER. He learned that she did this to try and commit suicide. He changed his mind about moving in with me, and now he says he must live with her. His siblings do not live in the same city, so they cannot help. He cannot afford to hire care or put her in a home. We have also been arguing a lot. We only see each other twice a week, and he changes plans frequently which is hurtful. Our relationship is not progressing, and I don't know where I stand anymore. I'm ready to be in a more committed relationship with someone and I'd like to move forward. I spent my earlier years being very career focused and travelling, and now I really want to be in a relationship. Do I break up with my boyfriend because he doesn't have time for me, has no plans to live with me right now, and needs to be with his mother? I don't actually believe she needs full time care but he believes she does. What solutions exist? I would really appreciate some advice.
You have to ask yourself if you want to be that partner who can get your boyfriend through this: help him take his mother to a better more independent place, be an amazing stepmother to his son. Me? - I wouldn't even try it, not for all the tea in China. But that's the job description you're looking at: two weeks' vacation, fifty weeks of cancelled plans, last minute crises, fitting in with his existing commitments. Only you know whether he's worth it.
The first thing that comes into my head is that I had no idea how much physical, mental, and emotional energy staying with her would suck out of me. It's wayyyy different being with her in the same home than it was before I started staying here. I am often very overwhelmed, frustrated, ill-tempered, and resentful. I have barely enough energy left to socialize with friends a couple of times a week; I force myself to do it because I'd lose my mind without my supportive family of friends. I definitely do NOT have the energy for a relationship.
Which kind of makes the second thing pop into my head: it's possible that your BF has called off moving in together as a kindness to you. Might even be subconscious, but I bet he's thought about it. Caregiving an elder parent is a huge job, and it would be a huge burden to bring someone else into. If she's only in her 60s, he may be looking at 20+ years of providing care, especially if he can't afford a care facility. Personally, I have lost all interest in dating and relationships since I started caregiving, since there is no way I would put a partner in this position alongside me. Especially if that partner had already expressed doubts about how I've chosen to provide care.
I think suicide attempts are often a cry for help, not just attention-seeking. Depression is insidious, especially when coupled with physical pain. And whatever else is going on, Mom has cried out, and Son has answered the call. If you are in any way ambivalent about joining him in facing this task, in being a true partner in this new turn his journey has taken, then I just don't think it's the right relationship for you or him.
I'm not saying you're wrong or bad if you don't want to do it! It's perfectly reasonable to want your relationship to be the priority in both of your lives. If you truly think he's the one, then go to him and tell him you will do this with him, that you will be his partner in this and work through it together. That's what real commitment means to me, that's what "for better or worse" means to me. I mean, I'd probably cry with joy and relief if somebody I wanted to be with came to me and said that. But if you can't say it, then it's probably time to think about letting go.
His mother, who genuinely needs help but perhaps not to the degree she is insisting on, is in her mid 60s. Are you prepared to be second in importance to her for the next 20 to 30 years?
Good idea to research what might be available in NYC to help his mother. But if he does not make genuine progress in getting extricated from her control now, I think you ought to look elsewhere for the kind of relationship you want at this point in your life.
This experience hasn't been a waste of time. You had some good times, a nice European vacation. You've learned a lot more about what is important to you. Chalk it up to a nice friends-with-benefits situation, and move on.
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I believe the core question here is one you’ve to ask yourself and answer it very honestly: Do you love him?
I’m not trying to oversimplify things, but that is really the key question.
You haven’t gotten the caregiving experience...yet!! (Consider that) And in any event, the life and choices of caregivers and of the people being cared for are VERY different, none is the same as the other, although the basic aspects are actually very similar. The interactions, responsibilities and ways to handle those responsibilities greatly depend on set family dynamics, personalities, type and degree of illness, age of caregiver and care recipients, even religious beliefs!
So you get nothing out of criticizing their dynamics, as at this point that is unlikely to change. You won’t change him nor his mom, and you won’t change the core situation.
Here you are pondering if you should stay with your boyfriend or leave him. When I believe you should be asking yourself questions such as:
Could you move in with him? (that way you’d be part of the situation, not “something” else he has to take care of)
Would you be ok with helping him out with his mom? not only helping him find places and resources that could provide care for her, but actually CARING for her.
Are you ok with accepting in your life not only his elderly mom but his son, and also to having some contact with the boy’s mom?
How would you handle it if in the future you were the caregiver of your parents and you were the one trying to balance a relationship and caregiving?
At this point in life most man you’ll meet will have kids and /or parents to care for. None of them will likely offer a perfect situation. Unfortunately it’s hard to be a priority when kids and parents are involved, that is just a reality, not to be offended by it, it is just a reality.
I’m not encouraging you to settle -never settle- but I’m reminding you of what you may find.
The answers to those questions will give you your overall answer. You talk about commitment but true commitment requires acceptance. Think about your feelings and what you know you can and cannot deal with. Option B is a timely separation.
The way I see it it’s about loving a person enough to accept their circumstances and finding in your heart a way to deal with the situation without resenting him...or bravely realizing you don’t love him enough to embark in a relationship where many sacrifices will be required, beyond what you’re willing to give or do.
Neither answer is wrong, but it should be very honest. Find this answer within yourself!
That said, please PLEASE don't settle for someone on the "at this stage of my life" point of view. I know LOTS of people who have found life partners later in life, in their 40s, 50s, 60s....my father was 54 when he and my stepmother met, and they were the loves of each other's lives, true soul mates. I'm 48 - my mom has end stage renal disease and I will be surprised, honestly, if she lives another 2-3 years. I don't plan to give up forever, although I've reached the point where I'm happy to go it alone, too, if that's the way it works out. But for sure, being in your 40s is not a reason to settle for someone who can't give you what you need and may only cause you pain from neglect.
Sometimes we need to find out what we don't want in order to discover what we DO want.
My point is, it's not likely to change, no matter how many resources you locate for her. And if your BF is interested in getting her to be more independent, HE should be researching those resources, not you. You can't make him change his priorities. You can temporarily force the issue, but I think in the end, his mom will be his top priority. You've already see that play out.
I think you'd be better off to try to find a man who is emotionally and physically available to you now. To build a solid relationship, you both need to be willing to be there for each other. He may want to be there for and with you, but his life circumstances aren't such that he can do that, given his priorities. And I don't see that changing anytime soon. You're still young enough to find someone who's at the same place in their life that you are.
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