I have been dating my boyfriend a year and 3 months. I'm 46, he's 47. We both live in NYC and have full time jobs and busy lives. He lives with his mother. His father passed away 2 1/2 years ago, and since then he has been taking care of her. She's in her mid-60s, diabetic, sciatic, depressed, and is in a fragile mental state. She was one of those women who was 100% reliant on her husband, and now relies on her son to take care of her. When we first started dating seriously last year, I was hesitant to get into a committed relationship with my boyfriend because I was concerned he did not have enough time to dedicate to a real partnership. Not only is a he a caretaker for his mom, he works full time, has an independent music label, and has a teenage son from a previous marriage. He convinced me that he was committed to being with me, so I decided to give it a try. He even said that he had thought about our future, and that if things worked out, he'd consider moving in with me. Things went well for the first year or so. We got closer. He did a few things to make his mother more independent, like getting her to take handidart to church, so that we'd have more time on the weekends together. We went on a two vacation to Europe in the summer. We have a wonderful love and friendship, and I believe the relationship has true potential. Throughout this period, I have frequently felt that my boyfriend does not make enough time to spend with me. I often feel that I am not enough of a priority. It is so hard to find time together, and he cancels and changes plans with me frequently. Recently, his mother stopped taking her medication and became so weak he had to take her to the ER. He learned that she did this to try and commit suicide. He changed his mind about moving in with me, and now he says he must live with her. His siblings do not live in the same city, so they cannot help. He cannot afford to hire care or put her in a home. We have also been arguing a lot. We only see each other twice a week, and he changes plans frequently which is hurtful. Our relationship is not progressing, and I don't know where I stand anymore. I'm ready to be in a more committed relationship with someone and I'd like to move forward. I spent my earlier years being very career focused and travelling, and now I really want to be in a relationship. Do I break up with my boyfriend because he doesn't have time for me, has no plans to live with me right now, and needs to be with his mother? I don't actually believe she needs full time care but he believes she does. What solutions exist? I would really appreciate some advice.
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The one piece of (perhaps) useful info I may offer is that NYC has a strong network of help available. Check in with the city department of aging and research what help his Mom may be eligible for. He is probably so frazzled he can't even think straight. So this is a useful contribution you can offer. Perhaps that will free up some time for you to be together.
My boyfriend lived with a girlfriend (before that, he was married. I've lived alone many times, but he never has). When he and his girlfriend broke up, he moved in to his parents' house "temporarily", but a few months after, his father had a stroke and passed away. His mother is very manipulative, and afraid to be alone. He is often highly frustrated, which I think just means less patience for our relationship. I'm getting tired of being #2 all the time.
I will consider looking into what resources there may be in NYC. Thank you.
His mother, who genuinely needs help but perhaps not to the degree she is insisting on, is in her mid 60s. Are you prepared to be second in importance to her for the next 20 to 30 years?
Good idea to research what might be available in NYC to help his mother. But if he does not make genuine progress in getting extricated from her control now, I think you ought to look elsewhere for the kind of relationship you want at this point in your life.
This experience hasn't been a waste of time. You had some good times, a nice European vacation. You've learned a lot more about what is important to you. Chalk it up to a nice friends-with-benefits situation, and move on.
The first thing that comes into my head is that I had no idea how much physical, mental, and emotional energy staying with her would suck out of me. It's wayyyy different being with her in the same home than it was before I started staying here. I am often very overwhelmed, frustrated, ill-tempered, and resentful. I have barely enough energy left to socialize with friends a couple of times a week; I force myself to do it because I'd lose my mind without my supportive family of friends. I definitely do NOT have the energy for a relationship.
Which kind of makes the second thing pop into my head: it's possible that your BF has called off moving in together as a kindness to you. Might even be subconscious, but I bet he's thought about it. Caregiving an elder parent is a huge job, and it would be a huge burden to bring someone else into. If she's only in her 60s, he may be looking at 20+ years of providing care, especially if he can't afford a care facility. Personally, I have lost all interest in dating and relationships since I started caregiving, since there is no way I would put a partner in this position alongside me. Especially if that partner had already expressed doubts about how I've chosen to provide care.
I think suicide attempts are often a cry for help, not just attention-seeking. Depression is insidious, especially when coupled with physical pain. And whatever else is going on, Mom has cried out, and Son has answered the call. If you are in any way ambivalent about joining him in facing this task, in being a true partner in this new turn his journey has taken, then I just don't think it's the right relationship for you or him.
I'm not saying you're wrong or bad if you don't want to do it! It's perfectly reasonable to want your relationship to be the priority in both of your lives. If you truly think he's the one, then go to him and tell him you will do this with him, that you will be his partner in this and work through it together. That's what real commitment means to me, that's what "for better or worse" means to me. I mean, I'd probably cry with joy and relief if somebody I wanted to be with came to me and said that. But if you can't say it, then it's probably time to think about letting go.
You have to ask yourself if you want to be that partner who can get your boyfriend through this: help him take his mother to a better more independent place, be an amazing stepmother to his son. Me? - I wouldn't even try it, not for all the tea in China. But that's the job description you're looking at: two weeks' vacation, fifty weeks of cancelled plans, last minute crises, fitting in with his existing commitments. Only you know whether he's worth it.
I'm not prepared to spend the next 20 years caring for his mother or being second/third priority. By contrast, my parents are in their 80s and while they have some health issues, they can manage. I just wish there was a way he can have his mother become independent.
There was some talk that his mother should move to the south to live with the sister, but I don't think she wants or plans to. I'm a very independent person, and I don't think I could do what my boyfriend is doing. I love my parents but I'd find a way to get help.
I need to decide whether to move forward with this relationship or not. At this stage in my life, I'm scared to make the wrong call.
BarbBrooklyn has a point. My boyfriend suffers from an avoidance disorder, a mental health issue where he fears and tries to avoid intimacy. He sees a therapist for this, and we have not had many challenges of this type. However, it's possible that caring for his mother is an ideal excuse to keep from moving forward. Things did change dramatically when she stopped taking her medication, though, which was a real scare for the whole family.
Instead of just saying it's over and this is his problem, I'd like to see if there is a solution I can suggest to my boyfriend, where I can help him find a way for his mother to live on her own - maybe not now, but sometime in the future - and see how he responds.
I have limited experience with this type of thing - what can I do?
There have been other posts very similar to yours. Women were either dating or living with a BF, frustrated that he spent more time on his mother, often using this as a priority excuse to avoid moving forward in a relationship with a woman.
These are hits for similar posts.
https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=Living with BF, caring for his mother.
Check out the fifth hit:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-boyfriend-wont-marry-me-til-his-mother-dies-193273.htm
I think you'll find that your situation is not unique, and that there are other men in similar positions. Some of them even expect their GF to care for their parent(s).
I think helping to find a solution is a good idea. If he nixes all the solutions, or finds fault with them, you might have a clue to your question on his long term commitment to you.
An aging parent is one kettle of fish; an aging parent with serious mental illness is a full time job and then some if you allow it to consume you.
I'd explore how much your be is willing/able to let the professionals do their job with regard to his mom's day to day functioning. Let us know how this is going!
I
relationship with a man that already has a problem with his 60 year old mother. I don't even want the last years of my life to be taking care of my dad. I want to spend them enjoying my husband. I have no choice and I hate that he has no choice either.
I know my husband loves me, but I can tell you he would not be here if he had any other choice. Unless you have cared for an elderly patient with dementia you can not possibly understand
how much of your life you have to give up! My dad is 85. You have many years to be tortured if you choose this relationship!
Do you know why his first marriage ended, and also a long-term committed relationship? I'm sure not implying that having a failed relationship in your background means you will never have a successful relationship! But sometimes knowing the circumstances behind the endings can provide some insights into the present.
Barb - His mother is not on any meds for mental health.
Jeanne - My boyfriend became aware of his avoidance disorder just two years ago, and through the work with the therapist he learned that his problems with intimacy had been a major factor in previous relationships. Our relationship is the first one he's had since knowing of this condition.
Joann - Is it really impossible for his mother to be independent, even with assisted care?
You could start by contacting the Area Agency on Aging. All states have this, but the name might be slightly different. Briefly explain the mother's situation and ask what steps can be taken to get her some help. (Depending on her age, they may refer you to an agency that deals with disabilities.)
What we did for our mother and I did for my husband is start with asking the Human Services Department in their respective counties for a needs assessment. That led in both cases to applying for Medicaid and also made county resources available to us.
You (or rather you bf) could contact the clinic that treats her depression and fragile mental health status for suggestions of services available to her. There are probably local support groups for persons who have diabetes, and also for persons who are caregivers.
That said, please PLEASE don't settle for someone on the "at this stage of my life" point of view. I know LOTS of people who have found life partners later in life, in their 40s, 50s, 60s....my father was 54 when he and my stepmother met, and they were the loves of each other's lives, true soul mates. I'm 48 - my mom has end stage renal disease and I will be surprised, honestly, if she lives another 2-3 years. I don't plan to give up forever, although I've reached the point where I'm happy to go it alone, too, if that's the way it works out. But for sure, being in your 40s is not a reason to settle for someone who can't give you what you need and may only cause you pain from neglect.
Sometimes we need to find out what we don't want in order to discover what we DO want.
I do have that "stage of life" thinking. I spent so many years dedicated to my career, but also enjoying life and travelling, being free spirited. I'm ready for and want a serious relationship. Your advice is helpful.
My point is, it's not likely to change, no matter how many resources you locate for her. And if your BF is interested in getting her to be more independent, HE should be researching those resources, not you. You can't make him change his priorities. You can temporarily force the issue, but I think in the end, his mom will be his top priority. You've already see that play out.
I think you'd be better off to try to find a man who is emotionally and physically available to you now. To build a solid relationship, you both need to be willing to be there for each other. He may want to be there for and with you, but his life circumstances aren't such that he can do that, given his priorities. And I don't see that changing anytime soon. You're still young enough to find someone who's at the same place in their life that you are.