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They do everything together and she controls his time with needing to go to the store, hair, every errand, then she has to eat at exactly five o'clock and up at 6. I am getting used to the schedule although mine was different but she is very critical of everything I do, she talks under her breath when I am around, called me lazy the first day and he acts like I should just jump in and start cleaning or helping her and when I do she tells me she doesn't need help or something and it's very awkward now when I am around her. On almost every date night we have Mom along and if she's not happy about something then look out. I give her no reason to not like m, I am cordial and am really trying to be nice but now I feel like I want to avoid her because she makes me feel so uncomfortable and if I am to be with him, I have to get along with her but I can't read between the lines of either of them in what I should be doing around the house. I have offered and stepped in and she just huffs. On top of that he told me she reads all my texts and I told him those are personal and why and he said because he doesn't keep anything from her. Help I really like him, but I think he is afraid of losing her and since she is 90 wants to take care of her because he feels obligated and I see he is very stressed and needs help around his house with cleaning and cooking and such but not sure where or when to jump in I am not lazy by far but when I am with him on his off days or nights from work and weekends I don't really want to clean someone else's house and take over the chauffeuring which I don't really mind, but have a hard time getting around to a date without her and trying to get him to show his mother I am an important person in his life too.

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You have a serious boyfriend problem here from the sound of it.
You don't seem to have a question for us, which is good, because I surely must leave your choice of marriage material up to you, as a grownup. You should by now know what will work for you and what won't.
Good luck.
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Why in the world are you wasting your time on him?! Break up and find an adult to have a relationship with.
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If she’s reading your texts on your phone, change the settings so she can’t open it. If she’s reading them on his, stop texting him or tell BF that’s it’s an invasion of privacy and he must set his phone so she has no access.

Actually, he’s already married to his mom and they’ve made you their willing and sympathetic servant. Yes, SERVANT. Your boyfriend doesn’t really love you. No one treats someone he loves the way BF treats you. I foresee nothing but misery in this for you. Walk away while you can. You’re better off alone rather than in this sad and miserable arrangement. I wish you luck, but hopefully not with this loser.
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MG8522 Apr 13, 2025
Yes, they are both just using you.
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Any man who takes his mother along on a DATE and let's her read his girlfriend's texts is not a man but a big fat baby who's still not able to cut the umbilical cord, never mind the apron strings! I'd say this person has serious mental health issues and I cannot imagine why on earth you're putting up with such disrespect and pure nonsense!
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Dawn88 Apr 13, 2025
100% agree!
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Do you live with them?
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There is a saying that girlfriends do not do wifely things. When women act in this manner toward men it smells desperation, and it causes them to disrespect them.

No, you do not need to clean for either of them. The mother resents you being around, so if I were in your shoes, I would not hang around where I'm not wanted.

Your boyfriend doesn't seem like the type to place you and your relationship as a priority. Do not make other people a priority when they treat you like an option.

No disrespect to Oedipus, but let him continue to date his mother. You go live your life even if it is no more than sitting in your living room enjoying a good movie while having a snack.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 14, 2025
Well said, Scampie. Never be an 'option' to anyone.
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Your boyfriend is dating his mother not you . The showing her your texts is totally wrong . The fact that you haven’t dumped him yet means you need to go to therapy to learn why this whole situation is not healthy for you .
This isn’t about him feeling obligated . This is most likely the relationship they have always had .
Don’t clean a thing and Dump him . Learn about what a healthy relationship is .
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DTMFN
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igloo572 Apr 14, 2025
THIS!!! 1000&1% spot on.
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You don't ask an actual question but I still have an answer: dump him today. Don't take him back for any reason. He's a fixer-upper that requires too much sweat equity. You can find better.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 14, 2025
TRUTH! ^^^
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You said, “…I am an important person in his life too.” Are you? Are you really? That sentence at the end of all the rest you wrote made me sad to read.
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I see Mom as #1 and I really don't see where you fit in at all. Date night and Mom comes along. Thats not a date. I so hope you don't live with them. I like "GFs don't do wifely duties." If your not living there, you should not be cleaning. If your living there, time to find a place of your own. If Mom is 90, neither of your are young. I don't see a future with this man and don't understand why you put up with this stuff. Or are you having doubts and need someone to help you decide "Its time to move on". Well, I will say it, time to move on.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 14, 2025
Amen to that, Joann.
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It is quite evident by your post that you are not a proirity in this mans life. Deep in your heart do you feel like you can be second fiddle to his mother? All evidence indicates that your are and at this point in your boyfriend and his mothers life it will not change no matter how much you wish it would change.

You either need to accept that this is how the relationship is and stay with them or it is time to move on with your life freely.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 14, 2025
You're absolutely right, AMZ. She's not a priority in her man's life and should walk away. When mama finally dies this guy will expect whatever woman he's with to become her. Not worth it.
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Let me guess your boyfriend's dad is dead? Correct? She's made him the default second husband who she views as the one that can fix all her problems, the one she can and will manipulate into doing everything for her on her time schedule. Look up the term "emotional incest" as it's common for widows to view their adult male sons that are their care givers as more of a husband than a son. My mom wants me to be in this role and I keep enforcing boundaries with her. Your boyfriend may or may not be aware he's doing this. But she is certainly aware of it I can guarantee it. Talk to your boyfriend and make him understand your feelings about this. If he can't or won't set boundaries with his mother. DUMP HIM. If you haven't watch the series "I love a Mama's boy".
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lealonnie1 Apr 14, 2025
No kidding.....that tv series is insufferable 🤣😆😑
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Move out and find another boyfriend. Honestly, there are better fish in the sea then have ever been caught. Really, if your man is how you say he is, get out now. A grown man who tells mommy everything and hands his cellphone over so she can read his private texts from his lady has a sick and dysfunctional relationship with his mother. This is disgusting. If I were you I would 'sext' him so good and include some serious selfies if you know what I'm saying. For real. Give mommy a reason to truly clutch her pearls when she's going through his texts.

The next time his mother says something snide under her breath within earshot of you, stop what you're doing, get in her face and demand that she repeat what she just said. Don't tolerate this passive/aggressive BS from anyone.

Your boyfriend has been under mommy's thumb his entire life. When she's finally gone he will expect whatever woman he's with to become his mother. Believe me, you don't want any part of this mess. I hate to say it, but you are not an important person in his life. You are a back up mother who he also expects to be a housekeeper and caregiver to the current one.

My father had a wise old saying.

One woman in a house. One queen in a hive.

In a beehive, there is one queen bee. When another tries to step up and take over, they fight to the death.

A man can live in a house with ten guys and it works. A woman can too. A couple can have ten kids and all live together and it works.

A woman cannot live in peace in another woman's house. You are living in another woman's house. Your boyfriend's mother is competing with you for her son's affection. As sick and gross as this sounds, it's true and you are losing. Pack your bags and get out.
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Dump him, he is a card carrying "Moma's Boy" she is his priority.

This will never get any better. Move on with your life, you deserve better.
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🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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MicheleDL Apr 14, 2025
Another funny one :)
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Norman Bates.

If he invites you to spend the night at their hotel, run like hell.
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MicheleDL Apr 14, 2025
That's a riot.
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Get rid of them BOTH. You are not important in his life. He's a Momma's Boy Looser & USER.

Next guy you find you like, play a bit "hard to get." Don't show you are such a great servant.

Did you ever hear the saying, "Two's company, three is a crowd" before??
Most of all...stop wasting time with this USER you will never get back!
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Wow are you lucky that she is still alive to experience this dynamic.
But you may be the perfect woman for this guy. You may be a fitting replacement for alpha mom. Nothing wrong with that. Every cup has its saucer.
He's a good boy who will be a great compliant-servant-partner to you, but never, ever your Man. Be very aware, you will come to resent and blame him after a while but I got a feeling that these feelings will be familiar and in a twisted way comforting to you. Frightening to imagine you waking up, perhaps after kids who will be miniature versions of the both of you, heartbroken clueless and dissatisfied. Another unhappy generation.
What is it about a healthy balanced stand-up man that scares you?  You should be imagining such a guy rather than settling for zero. You should be experiencing sneak previews of your future. You should respect, be in awe and proud of this gentleman NOW. This is the foundation of love that lasts.
You say in your last paragraph “…don’t really mind..”? Yes you do. You ought to. And you continue with "...get him to show his mother....." Honey babe, you don't attach to a man to get him to change. This broken guy is irresistible to your fractured thinking. Do you need this h-ll, then do the world a favor and tie your tubes. You don't bring children into this bat sh-t craziness.
Truth is you want to be the boss, (I imagine you saying verbally or in body language “oh no I’m so sweet and meek”..Baloney. Remember it was you who said "get him to...") Guaranteed, you will go to your grave feeling cheated AND YOU CAN'T COMPLAIN cause you did this to your life. And sadly your kids will be damaged psycho-socially too. 
What the ....? Where did you learned that this is acceptable?
You need to stay alone for a while. Get your body and mind in shape. Alone is not a death sentence.  It is your profoundly needed oasis. One day you may look back on this pause and regroup time with the realization that you just missed having a safe fall on you. Take time and read every book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger regarding marriage and husbands. And don't force anything.
Holy C--p, I can't get over "get to show his mother..." THERE IS NO COMPETITION!!! And if there is a competition, stick a rocket in you butt and ignite it. Get away!!!  He’s damaged, and you’re not a doctor. 
I'm all for helping parents but there is a natural order of expectation. You help your children to good health, maturity, and to fly away, and then those strong fledglings go on to help the next generation. A mom doesn't take a son for a husband. 
But that is their sick business. 
Say to yourself…Phew, that was a close one. Save yourself.
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If this is YOUR house...give them their walking papers. You may have to legally evict them
If this is HIS house. Move out.
If this is HER house Move out.
YOU are not important to him. You are not a priority in his life.
Actually it is a good thing that you have found this out now.
And PLEASE do NOT have children with this mommas boy.
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Is this post for real?! I cannot fathom being in a relationship where I played a far distant second fiddle to a ninety year old. I feel like I’m being pranked. If this is for real, run today, and find a better life. Every day on your own would be far superior to this mess
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notgoodenough Apr 14, 2025
1000% agree!

Just the issue of bf showing mommie dearest the text messages between him and the OP should be enough to send anyone running for cover!
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I feel like some of the responses here are a bit rough on the OP. She came here for help, not to be put down for her choices.

To the OP: You deserve better than
this. Please think about why you don’t think you deserve a man who wants you more than his mommy. Save yourself from this mess and please seek some support for yourself. A therapist and some time reflecting on why you are willing to settle for a man like this is really needed. Maybe it will even help you build your confidence and belief in yourself so you don’t go looking for validation from a damaged man like this.
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notgoodenough Apr 15, 2025
But this isn't really a caregiving problem, Shirley, this is a relationship problem. And this is, after all, a caregiver support forum, not a relationship advice-giving forum.

And I think, overwhelmingly, we are all saying the same thing as you to the OP, that she should not waste any more time with this guy.
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