They do everything together and she controls his time with needing to go to the store, hair, every errand, then she has to eat at exactly five o'clock and up at 6. I am getting used to the schedule although mine was different but she is very critical of everything I do, she talks under her breath when I am around, called me lazy the first day and he acts like I should just jump in and start cleaning or helping her and when I do she tells me she doesn't need help or something and it's very awkward now when I am around her. On almost every date night we have Mom along and if she's not happy about something then look out. I give her no reason to not like m, I am cordial and am really trying to be nice but now I feel like I want to avoid her because she makes me feel so uncomfortable and if I am to be with him, I have to get along with her but I can't read between the lines of either of them in what I should be doing around the house. I have offered and stepped in and she just huffs. On top of that he told me she reads all my texts and I told him those are personal and why and he said because he doesn't keep anything from her. Help I really like him, but I think he is afraid of losing her and since she is 90 wants to take care of her because he feels obligated and I see he is very stressed and needs help around his house with cleaning and cooking and such but not sure where or when to jump in I am not lazy by far but when I am with him on his off days or nights from work and weekends I don't really want to clean someone else's house and take over the chauffeuring which I don't really mind, but have a hard time getting around to a date without her and trying to get him to show his mother I am an important person in his life too.
You don't seem to have a question for us, which is good, because I surely must leave your choice of marriage material up to you, as a grownup. You should by now know what will work for you and what won't.
Good luck.
Actually, he’s already married to his mom and they’ve made you their willing and sympathetic servant. Yes, SERVANT. Your boyfriend doesn’t really love you. No one treats someone he loves the way BF treats you. I foresee nothing but misery in this for you. Walk away while you can. You’re better off alone rather than in this sad and miserable arrangement. I wish you luck, but hopefully not with this loser.
No, you do not need to clean for either of them. The mother resents you being around, so if I were in your shoes, I would not hang around where I'm not wanted.
Your boyfriend doesn't seem like the type to place you and your relationship as a priority. Do not make other people a priority when they treat you like an option.
No disrespect to Oedipus, but let him continue to date his mother. You go live your life even if it is no more than sitting in your living room enjoying a good movie while having a snack.
This isn’t about him feeling obligated . This is most likely the relationship they have always had .
Don’t clean a thing and Dump him . Learn about what a healthy relationship is .
You either need to accept that this is how the relationship is and stay with them or it is time to move on with your life freely.
The next time his mother says something snide under her breath within earshot of you, stop what you're doing, get in her face and demand that she repeat what she just said. Don't tolerate this passive/aggressive BS from anyone.
Your boyfriend has been under mommy's thumb his entire life. When she's finally gone he will expect whatever woman he's with to become his mother. Believe me, you don't want any part of this mess. I hate to say it, but you are not an important person in his life. You are a back up mother who he also expects to be a housekeeper and caregiver to the current one.
My father had a wise old saying.
One woman in a house. One queen in a hive.
In a beehive, there is one queen bee. When another tries to step up and take over, they fight to the death.
A man can live in a house with ten guys and it works. A woman can too. A couple can have ten kids and all live together and it works.
A woman cannot live in peace in another woman's house. You are living in another woman's house. Your boyfriend's mother is competing with you for her son's affection. As sick and gross as this sounds, it's true and you are losing. Pack your bags and get out.
This will never get any better. Move on with your life, you deserve better.
If he invites you to spend the night at their hotel, run like hell.
Next guy you find you like, play a bit "hard to get." Don't show you are such a great servant.
Did you ever hear the saying, "Two's company, three is a crowd" before??
Most of all...stop wasting time with this USER you will never get back!
But you may be the perfect woman for this guy. You may be a fitting replacement for alpha mom. Nothing wrong with that. Every cup has its saucer.
He's a good boy who will be a great compliant-servant-partner to you, but never, ever your Man. Be very aware, you will come to resent and blame him after a while but I got a feeling that these feelings will be familiar and in a twisted way comforting to you. Frightening to imagine you waking up, perhaps after kids who will be miniature versions of the both of you, heartbroken clueless and dissatisfied. Another unhappy generation.
What is it about a healthy balanced stand-up man that scares you? You should be imagining such a guy rather than settling for zero. You should be experiencing sneak previews of your future. You should respect, be in awe and proud of this gentleman NOW. This is the foundation of love that lasts.
You say in your last paragraph “…don’t really mind..”? Yes you do. You ought to. And you continue with "...get him to show his mother....." Honey babe, you don't attach to a man to get him to change. This broken guy is irresistible to your fractured thinking. Do you need this h-ll, then do the world a favor and tie your tubes. You don't bring children into this bat sh-t craziness.
Truth is you want to be the boss, (I imagine you saying verbally or in body language “oh no I’m so sweet and meek”..Baloney. Remember it was you who said "get him to...") Guaranteed, you will go to your grave feeling cheated AND YOU CAN'T COMPLAIN cause you did this to your life. And sadly your kids will be damaged psycho-socially too.
What the ....? Where did you learned that this is acceptable?
You need to stay alone for a while. Get your body and mind in shape. Alone is not a death sentence. It is your profoundly needed oasis. One day you may look back on this pause and regroup time with the realization that you just missed having a safe fall on you. Take time and read every book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger regarding marriage and husbands. And don't force anything.
Holy C--p, I can't get over "get to show his mother..." THERE IS NO COMPETITION!!! And if there is a competition, stick a rocket in you butt and ignite it. Get away!!! He’s damaged, and you’re not a doctor.
I'm all for helping parents but there is a natural order of expectation. You help your children to good health, maturity, and to fly away, and then those strong fledglings go on to help the next generation. A mom doesn't take a son for a husband.
But that is their sick business.
Say to yourself…Phew, that was a close one. Save yourself.
If this is HIS house. Move out.
If this is HER house Move out.
YOU are not important to him. You are not a priority in his life.
Actually it is a good thing that you have found this out now.
And PLEASE do NOT have children with this mommas boy.
Just the issue of bf showing mommie dearest the text messages between him and the OP should be enough to send anyone running for cover!
To the OP: You deserve better than
this. Please think about why you don’t think you deserve a man who wants you more than his mommy. Save yourself from this mess and please seek some support for yourself. A therapist and some time reflecting on why you are willing to settle for a man like this is really needed. Maybe it will even help you build your confidence and belief in yourself so you don’t go looking for validation from a damaged man like this.
And I think, overwhelmingly, we are all saying the same thing as you to the OP, that she should not waste any more time with this guy.