Now, after having pneumonia and having spent 10 days in the hospital, she has lost all mobility. Her family will not step in to help and expect me to take care of her. This includes changing diapers, cleaning, dressing, cooking, keeping up with her meds, etc. I have a full time job and cannot do this. What can I do?
If your boyfriend is still your boyfriend, it is his responsibility. He is a 'partner' who does not value you. I would dump him and tell him and his family that his mother must go elsewhere. It clearly is not your responsibility.
If you and your boyfriend live together, you move out.
At 95, one would need to consider that decline will happen and more care will eminently be needed. I can only presume that this 'boyfriend' and his family had reasons to believe you would be the caregiver, be it that you agreed initially to take her in or perhaps you are not assertive enough to set boundaries of the care you would provide. Whatever the history, it is now time for you to very clearly state your boundaries.
She goes.
And, so does this boyfriend.
I note that I read here that 'her family' is making these presumptions. You do not include your 'boyfriend' and I wonder why - not. Isn't he in the picture any longer? Are you NOT holding him accountable - for his own mother?
If they do not make arrangements, call Adult Family Services and have them come over to evaluate the situation. Unless you've made some legal agreements to care for this woman, I cannot image why you would put all this responsibility on yourself.
And, you say you work full time ... why would this woman be moving in with you if you are working full time?
As you ask what you can do, I sense that you do not feel or believe you have a choice in the matter. You do.
She has family and it is HER family's responsibility to manage her care and financial needs. It sounds like after 10 days in the hospital YOU allowed her to return to your home - ? I do not understand why.
In any case, as long as you continue to care for this woman, her family, including your 'boyfriend,' will expect you to continue. It is up to you to decide to change. They have no reason to since you are doing what they are responsible to do - care for her.
This boyfriend and his family do not respect you.
Why do you refer to him as your boyfriend? If I were you, I would be so angry at his and his disrespect shown to you, and his mother, they both would be out the door yesterday.
Gena / Touch Matters
If she was giving you money so that she could live with you, brace for the fact you will and should reject that money. If they try to go for Medicaid, then the people reviewing the Medicaid application will be looking at all the past money that she gave to you (and others) and either you will have to return it, or her benefits will be delayed.
...and I'm sorry, I don't want to write this....you will have to make the decision to either save her or yourself. To save yourself, get her back into the hospital and don't allow them to think that you are there to take her back. To save her, look to find caregivers who can help you out, and watch out for your mental and physical health as well as financial health. Having caregivers in your home are expensive and not as easy as it sounds. Either situation isn't easy.
Unfortunately, a 95 year old body does not bounce back as fast as it did at 90 or 80...even though the person was healthy. It will take time and patience to get her back on her feet. I'm certain she is in decent mental condition and no matter where she ends up, you could visit her and maybe help her get back to the independence that she once had.
Easy for me to write, however, this is gut wrenching.
I wish you the best of luck.
I like BurntCaregiver's answer: "....Boyfriend to take a hike!.
I assume it's because you've already done it, and they are comfortable stepping back and letting you continue.
Simply STOP. Tell them you can not or will not take on this responsibility!
Tell them if they can not hire full time caregivers, she will need to be moved to a care facility.
I don't know how you stop taking care of her if she's living in your home. It will be hard to ignore her needs. I'm so sorry you are in this position!
If your boyfriend wants her living with him, then HE needs to step up and become the caregiver. He will quickly see that she needs to be in a care home.
The family might be in denial. I had a former boyfriend whose family was in denial about their mother's condition when she was dying. They thought they could keep her alive forever. Your boyfriend's family might be fooling themselves into thinking this is only a temporary set back. And if they can keep you taking care of her for now, she will get better and be back to normal. That is not going to happen. If the family wishes to keep her at home for her final days, rather than in a facility, then they need to provide HIRED, trained caregivers. It is not your job!
BUT it IS beyond the realm of one or even two devoted people to do 24/7.
It's hard enough when it's your own parent. I'm going through it with mine & so is everyone else on here.
I can not imagine doing this for someone who isn't even related to me. I wouldn't!
So, call your boyfriend & tell him to come get his mama. And he/they will have to work it out: Who's coming, where she's going to stay etc...Long term care facility, a Senior Residence.. whatever, but THEY will have to figure all of that out....it's not hardly your problem.
You gave, you helped.. now, THEY need to figure it out from here.
I don't really do explanations, it's just, point blank what time are you all coming to get her...
but, if you feel guilty, tell him, you're getting busier at work, that you have some other obligations and that, "This is just not my responsibility & I'm not gonna be able to continue with this, she needs to be with her family."
If he huffs up & gets angry, he's using you. Because all he should be saying at this point is, 'I understand babe, Thanks for what you've done!'
If they take their time & don't come... place 1 more call to him & tell him, you've called Adult Protective Services & they want the info...but, that you told them you'll call them back...& that you wanted to call him so he can handle it before THEY do!
Sometimes, a slight threat, gets action!:)
Plus, personally, I'm just not going to be arguing over someone else's mother... come GET HER, the END!
Because once I press the start button, it's ON at that point!
Don’t discuss the matter. NO is your repeated answer.
Don't take calls from his family.
IF BF’s mom is still in hospital, the discharge planner will discharge to a skilled nursing facility for rehab and/or other “skilled services.” Anything else would be an “unsafe discharge.”
If she does not recover, she will have to stay in that facility for “long term custodial care.” If that facility will not keep her, the discharge planner will have to find a safe discharge to another place to send her to for long term custodial care.
Tell your BF to go see an experienced elder law attorney right away to develop a plan for her aftercare. Medicaid should be explored and applied for now unless the family has other resources.
Go see a therapist to reevaluate your relationship with your BF.
Seriously, this is not a situation for you to take on. I know it can be hard to follow your head over your heart, but let your brain rule on this one.
Get them all out. Tell that boyfriend he got ex number of days to find a new spot. Get his mother out of your home asap like yesterday. Take the advice of the more experienced ladies here on this forum.
You are not responsible for other adults; middle aged, young or elderly.
If it’s not your house . Find your own apartment and leave .
So call an ambulance and have her taken back to the hospital. Write out a piece of paper with her name, your boyfriend's contact information and his siblings contact info if you know it. Hand it to the paramedics when they're taking her out. That's the end of it.
If the hospital calls you to come and get her, tell them to refer to the sheet you sent with the paramedics and call her family or APS because she's not coming back to your house.
Then tell your loser boyfriend to take a hike. There are plenty of men out there, my friend. You don't need to keep some fool around who clearly has no respect for you and doesn't care. If he did, he wouldn't have dumped the responsibility of his 95 year-old invalid mother on you. If he lives in your house too, tell him he has until the end of the month to get out, otherwise you'll serve him with eviction.
Stop letting people treat you the way your boyfriend and his family do. When you don't respect yourself, no one else is going to and people use you wrongly and take advantage. You deserve better.
If she is in your home, then call APS and tell them there is a vulnerable adult in ur home. Explain that you are only a GF and are not in the position to care for this woman. That the family refuses to take on her care.
Does the BF live with you? Its up to him to care for his mother. If he can't, he pays for a Caregiver or places her. This may ruin your relationship with your BF. But this woman is not your responsibility. Do not quit your job to care for her. Just keep saying NO.
It is not your responsibility to care for a room mate, just because someone shares your address doesn't make them your problem.
Gosh, I hope you get rid of the boyfriend, who is no friend, and his uncaring family. I can not imagine dropping out on my grandma, tells you who and what these people are.
You let your boyfriend know that he is now in charge and that his mom will need to go into care.
If your boyfriend allows an "unsafe discharge" back to a home where there is no care you let him do the care himself.
You are a GIRLFRIEND. This isn't your problem.
If things aren't going well in the home, then you will need to move out and choose better next time, make better joint-decisions for your household, and etc.
You are a grown adult. If mom's 95 then her kids aren't innocents at the beginning of adulthood. So you should be trusted to make best decisions for your own life, and to pay consequences of bad decisions. That's kind of what it's all about.
Sure wish you good luck. The answers are often simple. Stay or go. But TOUGH. You have my sympathy.
Follow the advice given, call 911. Let the boyfriend know you are over him and will drop off his Grandma's stuff. Don't let him weasel his way back! Ignore his selfish family. Whoever suckered you into taking in his 95 year old Grandma is who you tell YOU ARE NOT HER CAREGIVER, PERIOD.
How did this situation come about? Why was she living with you? Was she paying you rent? Does your boyfriend or another family have her POA?
I wish you a speedy resolution to this situation.
Do not take her back to your home. The problem is your home is her legal residence. If you call your BF to tell her she's in the ER you need to make it clear that you are packing up her things and they'll be outside your door and then you're going to your job and living your life free of caregiving. Then break up with him. Don't have anything to do with this family. Then you go see a therapist and figure out how you find and defend your boundaries.
Stay strong. Don't take her back no matter how much they rage, cry and try to manipulate you. Block their calls. Wishing you all the best as you move on.