They live together in NJ, I live in PA. He’s always lived with her and she always babied him to the point he’s never worked or earned his keep his entire life (he's almost 50 now).She's always covered up his mistakes and flipped out on anyone who would say a word about his bad behaviors with her most favorite saying..."poor Johnny"(NOT his real name). 5 years ago my brother caught a grudge on me for calling him on a specific incident and he tells our mom not to let me come home at all anymore and she always goes along with his wishes no matter how wrong he may be. It’s so bad that in one year time our family had 3 deaths but my brother didn't want me around so I wasn't told about them until months after the fact. Now she has blood cancer but she doesn't tell anyone how bad it really is and I'm afraid she'll pass and I won't get to see her or even be told she passed because he won't want me at her funeral. Our father was a diagnosed narcissist and my brother has many of his traits and 5 year ago my mom told me My brother ' intimidates' her when he doesn't get his way by slamming doors and punching walls, and he's admitted je kicked her once when he was drunk. I think there may be more abuse that she will never tell anyone about.is there anything I can do?? My family doesn't want to get involved so that is not an option. Because of hid grudge he has, which she will never admit is the problem, she created a smear campaign on me to our family, to cover up the fact he doesn't want me around, even though she tells me she wants to see me, just "not at this time”. We all used to be very close but since he did the thing I called him out on, he’s been my biggest enemy. She won't and never has made him accountable for his actions. Instead, she would freak out on any family member whom he clearly wronged, and would always excuse his horrible actions with ' poor Johnny, leave him alone”. He’s done multiple offensive things through the years and even when he caused severe mental anguish on younger family members, her reaction was always the same, "poor Johnny”. What can I do so I can spend time with her before the cancer takes her life? I am concerned there is more going om in that home then anyone knows and I want them both evaluated and have them get whatever help they need to get things back how it should be, where I can go for a weekend here and there and spend decent time with my mother before she's gone .He has always been controlling with her, makes her let the answering machine pick up before she does so he can hear who'd calling and he's even monitored her talking by standing in her doorway while she's on the phone He's banned her from going Over her own sisters house, my whole family lives in that area, I live in another state .I used to go spend the weekend sleeping over to visit them and he's come to my place for weeks at a time when my kids were little and I told her she shouldn't be condoning all that hatred since we did all used to be very close. I’ve tried talking to my aunts (her sisters) and cousins but nobody will cross my mom when it comes to poor Johnny. It’s taking a toll on my mental state of mind causing severe emotional distress and I'm really upset that she'll get real sick and he won't be able to take care of her properly but she'll never tell anyone and she'll die without me even being able to say goodbye to her. She claims she's not doing anything wrong by catering to his control freak demands. Please tell me what I can do. I’ve anything. They are in Bergen County NJ, I’m in PA.
I agree with others that you have no power here except to change your expectations.
Expectations = premeditated resentments and disappointments
I also agree you should anonymously call APS if you think she is being abused. Unless and until she changes her mind about seeing you or leaves the house in an ambulance to the ER, things will not change.
I'm so sorry for this frustrating and distressing situation. May you receive peace in your heart.
P.S. I grew up in Bergen County
You should write a letter explaining everything you've said here and send copies to all of your family members. Also, if you suspect there is serious abuse going on, you can put in an anonymous call to APS (Adult Protective Services) and ask them to check it out.
I did homecare for a very long time. Some years back I had an elderly care client who was living in the same situation with the weird, alcoholic adult child who doesn't work or help with anything. Despite many offers to call the police and social services, my client always refused. She wanted the situation exactly how it was. She was disabled but did not have dementia. So it wasn't for me to interfere. If he got cute with me and sometimes did, I took action. The cops were called a couple times by me.
Now, my client's daughter and two other sons were at their wit's end trying to get their mother to stop allowing everything, but she wouldn't. There was nothing they could do.
The son ended up drinking himself to death and the other kids put her in a nursing home. They did what they could and so are you. The ball's in your mother's court.
What's curious to ME, is why you want anything to do with them?
Move on. There are two chances at family in life. The one you're born to, and the one you MAKE out of trusted friends who have your back.
I'd recommend a cognitive therapist (none of that online nonsense).
These matters are complex and require a determination not to marinate in them; THINK about that word-- "marination". The ingredients in a marinade are designed to BREAK DOWN meat, and it will keep working until it turns solidity to a mush no one wants.
Get help; move on. As to the son. Perhaps a read of the Prodigal Son will help you? It is a fact often, with parents, that it is the squeaking wheel that gets the oil. It is the n'er-do-well that the parent continues to enable and forgive and baby.
You don't really WANT to be that person, do you?
You're an adult, and responsible for your choices. You can choose to bang your head on the walls of that brick house, or you can build solid/safe boundaries of your OWN for your own life. I hope it's the latter, but it's your choice.
Write a card to Mom telling her you ate thinking about her and would love to see her. No return address so brother has no idea who its from. Let someone else write out the address.
Your mother allows her son to do this. She has for years allowed him to have the upper hand. She probably allowed this with your Dad and now her son. You can't change her now, she's been conditioned. It would take years of therapy. Your brother probably has mental problems. For now, your just going to let things be.
Boy, is dear brother in for a rude awakening when Mom passes. He has never worked, so no Social Security or Medicare. If he can be found mentally disabled, he may be able to get SS disability based on his Dads SS earnings. But then he has to admit he is mentally disabled. And please, don't help him in anyway. You just call APS on a vulnerable adult and let them find resourses for him. Let the State take over his care. I would bet he has always hadca mental illness. The State will find him the help he needs. If he calls you, don't pick up. Comes to your house, call the police saying you fear for your life. Have nothing to do with him.
I'm so sorry you're involved with such a dysfunctional family.
Best of luck to you.