My brother stole my parents life savings.
My parents lived in California, and so did my brother and sister-in-law. My brother convinced my parents to sell everything and move with them to Minnesota. The plan was to buy land and build a large home for all of them to live in.
A year or so of living together, my father had a heart attack. He was in rehab for three months and wheelchair bound. When he moved back "home," my father and brother had an argument. My brother hit him four times, as my dad said 4 hard slaps across the face. My father told his nurse, and she reported the abuse. The police were called, and my Dad did not want to file charges. The police said, "You cannot live together." So my brother kicked them out. They went to live in a senior independent living center still in Minnesota.
Last month, my mother passed away. She was my dad's primary caregiver. My dad is also almost 100% deaf. He is 87 yrs old.
I moved my father closer to me in Iowa last week. He is now living in an assisted living center, but his life savings are gone. He has some money, but he spent over $200,000 on the house, land, and buildings my brother is now enjoying.
What can I do?
There is more to this story that I just recently found out from my father. The Christmas before the "argument" my brother got angry with my dad and kicked both of my parents out, on Christmas day. He started throwing there belongs in their car and told them to get out. After he calmed down, he allowed them to stay. My father told me this week that they were afraid to leave their room, walked on egg shells because of fear of getting kicked out. They were not allowed to use the kitchen and lived on peanut butter sandwiches... my heart is breaking. I knew none of this. My mother never told me, I'm sure she was embarrassed. My dad can't hear so I was never able to talk to him on the phone. When I called my mother's best friend in California to tell her my mom passed I asked if she knew any of this and she said no, we are both heart broken.
For the record, my brother has always been abusive. He abused me when I was younger, he is one year older than I am. We were estranged, I hadn't spoken to him in 30 plus years until my parents moved in with him and lived closer to me. I had to see him when I visited.
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I don't know about that, God has forgiven me of much, I must also forgive.
This prayer I've said... and need to reminded myself to repeat daily is
" I forgive you brother, One greater than I will judge you one day. I will pray for you, that you may be able to stand before Him."
I pity my brother. If he feels justified by taking my parents life savings and putting all this strain on the only father he has, the man who raised him, who was not perfect, but loved him. Then he's losing out on the greatesr joy this life has to offer, just for money.
Please pray for my father.. that the money he does have will last as long as he's alive. I thank the Lord daily that I... that I, get to spend these wonderful years with him. I just wish that I was able to do it for my mom. But, she is now in a much better place, living in glory.
The "evil one" was Jean T. and she was great at it, and the title of course advises on what finally to do about/with her.
This post of yours K. went kind of from how to help your father, to a lot of talk about brother.
There isn't anything to be done about brother unless the magic proof of fraud does show up before a statute of limitations runs out--unlikely to be certain.
Anger destroys us from the inside out; eats away at us.
Even prayer can simply focus us on the wrong thing.
I would advise you just get on with being POA for Dad, protecting his funds, being his best friend until her passes.
I am not a believer, but if you are, then I say "Leave him to Heaven". You have no power to deal with him, what is done is done, and staying in any headspace that includes your bro wastes your energy.
Thanks for being such a good son to your Dad. He's very lucky to have you.
Please for your mental health, go to therapy and let go of your brother, the past and every crappy thing he has done.
Anger and hatred towards your brother, a narssasist, will only hurt you , not him. When the time is right, let it go let him go.
I'm sure that feels very hard to do at this time. Just work towards a day when your brother and the things he has done is nothing but a bilp on your screen.
Best of luck to you
I have to question their judgement moving in with a knowingly abusive person ang giving him access to their life savings. Did he say why they thought that was a good idea?
My brothers abuse of me was when I lived at home, I moved out before I was 18.
My brother is a narcissistic, I know he hit my mom once when he was in high school. But that is the only time I know he hit her.
My parents and bother had an ok relationship, they all lived in California but not in the same house.
When they moved in together, that's when my brothers true colors showed up, he never changed.
I never would have guessed he would steal their life savings, i can not understand it. All I can think of is that all this money is tied up in the house, land and surrounding buildings. They would have to sell to pay my parents back.
I think they should at least sell the extra land and give dad something
You tell us this:
"Last month, my mother passed away. She was my dad's primary caregiver. My dad is also almost 100% deaf. He is 87 yrs old.
I moved my father closer to me in Iowa last week. He is now living in an assisted living center, but his life savings are gone. He has some money, but he spent over $200,000 on the house, land, and buildings my brother is now enjoying."
You say your brother STOLE your parent's life savings. Actually the sad truth is that your parents GIFTED these assets to this son, and that, as it turns out for the future is much worse.
Nothing can be done about brother; I know you know that.
BUT..................
I am very concerned for your Dad, because he is currently in ALF.
A) most of them are private pay; does your father still have money?
B) Should your father not have money, and need to apply for Medicaid, the lookback will show that he "gifted" 200,000 to his abusive son. He would not qualify until 5 years from that gifting had passed. It would in fact be difficult as it is to even examine WHAT assets he had and what he spent.
The stories about your parents choosing an abusive son and living with the abuse while sinking 200,000 into the home of the abuser is horrifically sad. Was that son the POA? Is he STILL? Are YOU the POA now, and not the abusive son?
I am so worried about the future for your father.
You tell us in a response below that you cannot afford an attorney. But I will tell you that you cannot afford now NOT to see one. There is absolutely no substitute, for the future of your dad, for expert advice. So however you have to save up the cash to buy an hour of time with an elder law attorney you must do that. IF you are POA for Dad and he is not on government Medicaid at this time in his ALF, but a private pay, then your POA document allows you to seek "expert advice" and you certainly need it now. There is nothing anyone here can give you but advice and sympathy. You truly need help with this now.
I am so sorry and I so wish you the best of luck.
From what I can tell my dad has enough in his savings, that I've seen, to live maybe 5 years there.
Im going to talk to an attorney after I have POA, just to ease my mind.
I really don't know if he can prove any of the theft, but all my parents friends in California knew they were moving and going to live with my brother and sister in law
If I were in your shoes, I think I would wait until your POA kicked in and you could get a look at all past transactions and financial records.
I don't doubt that your brother is not a nice person. BUT...you say that your MOM handled all things financial, and your dad "didn't even know what bank they used". So, I don't know how much I would trust his version of the missing money scenario at this point. It is possible that the money went elsewhere, and he wasn't aware of it because evidently, he did not ask questions about his and your mom's finances, or maybe he lacks the mental acuity at this point in time to understand what happened. It is even slightly possible that mom and dad had other accounts with money in them, like maybe a CD; many people (especially older) have money in multiple financial institutions. I would hate to see you spend money hand-over-fist for an attorney only to find out that your brother, dirtbag though he may be, had nothing to do with the "missing" money.
The consultation with the lawyer can wait. And any attorney worth his salt is going to want to see all pertinent financial records before he/she makes any recommendation about the viability of a court case.
Another thought would be, if the money was indeed missing, to hire a forensic accountant to find out where the money was spent. This would at least give you hard proof to take to court, rather than just conjecture.
Good luck, I hope you can get satisfaction for your and your dad's situation.
Your problem will be that your Dad probably has nothing in writing saying that for 200k a home was being built with the intention of them all living together. There has to be a paper trail. Money going from Dad to ur brother. Maybe a lien can be placed on the house. I would consult with a lawyer. Maybe get friends to write letters if Mom and Dad told them that they were giving son 200k to build a house for all of them to live in.
Believe me, your notvthe onlynperson who has posted this type of story. People are too trusting. Always have a contract written up by a lawyer. Now your problem is if Dad needs Medicaid within the five years from giving brother 200k. Medicaid looks at that as gifting and it will cause a penalty.
I do not have the funds for a lawyer, although I might just talk to one and see what they say.
I don't think he has any proof, besides the fact that he had money 5 years ago and now he doesn't.
1/2 of my friends say, he doesn't have proof, he offered the money. Although, I say, he offered the money as his retirement home.
The other 1/2 of my friends say, this is financial elder abuse.
Yes... you are all correct. I love my dad and now he's here and I can show him my love.
I just don't know what to do when he runs out of money.. I want to be clear, I don't want this money! I want him to be comfortable in his remaining years
Be careful: this is the tip of the iceberg; your brother did this, and he'll do more things in the future. Document everything you can. Prepare for the future: your brother will cause more trouble.
If your father transferred the funds through bank transfer, that's one step towards proof.
But, I just don't know if there is proof. My mom handled all the finances, my dad didn't even know which bank they used when I asked him after mom die.
We had an appointment on Tuesday with a lawyer for me to get power of attorney, so that's in the process.
I can't find anything out until I get the POA. And I found out that since my dad is unable to use the phone ( I tried to talk to Visa when I there) he can't hear the security questions to answer them.
I am so overwhelmed. We moved him on Saturday it was a 5 hr drive to his apartment and we still had to pack his things for him and drive back to Iowa another 5 hrs ( long long day) the first thing he did when he saw me was to hand me a sack of unopened mail... I couldn't deal with it. He wasn't being mean, he's just so concerned how they will get paid
Your post is the kind of thing a lawyer needs to deal with. I hope you can afford a lawyer. Explain all the facts, and ask what can be done. This is a legal issue. Only a lawyer can give you concrete advice.
You can receive empathy here on the forum. But what you really need is concrete advice. Tell the lawyer all the details.
There is my brother's story and there's my dad's story. I assure you, what I have written is the truth as what I was told by my father, I embellished nothing... I only want honest opinions. I already know my brother is an awful human being. And I do not want a huge inheritance, I only want my dad to be comfortable. I don't even care if the lawyer takes half as long as my dad will be taken care of