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My brothers hardly visit dad. One lives close by and the to here quite a distance, we share the visits in the dementia home with mum.

I can't help but feel upset and confused to there lack of visiting dad .

I know it is their choice and I stay out of it . I know if I was there I would want some love and extra care from my children . After all he looked after me for a long time.

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Hahaa
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No they have nursing huts
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It is a strange world we live in , I bet the Polynesians don't have nursing homes
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My mom has been at our house for a couple of months now. Not one of my 8 siblings has called her. They expect me to give them updates on how she is doing through emails and text messages.
When my father was in a nursing home for 1.5 years, I drove out there once a month (11 hours each way) to go and visit him and make sure that my parents were doing okay. My niece, who lived in the same town, and was raised by my parents, didn't visit once. She wouldn't drive my mother there to see my dad so the only time my father received visitors was when I went out there or a sibling went out every six months or so. He would beg me to get all the paperwork done so that he could go home to die. It was very hard but I went anyway. I am no saint, I just saw how much he appreciated seeing people and getting outside that I felt it would be good for him. I eventually got him home.
I called them once a week to check on them. I don't understand why any of my siblings don't call and talk to mom. I no longer update them. If they ask, via text, I reply "why don't you call her and ask her how she is doing, I'm sure she would appreciate hearing from you". It hasn't worked yet.
This is one of the reasons why I wanted mom near me when she goes into assisted living/memory care, because I know I WILL visit her and make sure that her needs are met.
One brother told me "just call me when mom dies, I don't need any updates". Sad people.
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Well, I sure can empathize with caperguy12345, but I do not appreciate the "how dare you" tone. I would feel better with him being less judgemental and doing what is right for himself and leave others motivations out of the equation, he just does not know what is others' hearts.
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I am a single parent and my daughter lives in a nursing home because of a tbi. her mother lives about 10 minutes away but never visits her daughter. I am a man ; so the thought that men don't visit as much as women doesn't 'hold water with me'.
firstly as far as not visiting your love one in a home because you find it just 'too' difficult. well I hate to remind you people that this is ''' not''' about how you feel but how about your loved one feels who is stuck in a home with no visitors.
secondly: just out of utter respect for your kin who is in a nursing home you should visit them how dare you not visit your own flesh and blood; and then make up phoney excuses for not visiting.
thirdly how dare the absent family member leave all the burden of v isiting and taking care of their kin in a nursing home. these family member also have a life outside of the nursing home and would probably love to have someone share the visiting of their kin.
I have been going through this problem for 10 years now; and I have heard all the answers.
years ago people visited friends in the hospitals and homes. but now we seem to have all the excuses 'not ' to visit.
I honestly thing the main reason people don't visit loved ones in homes is that we now have televisions and computers to occupy our time and we don't need to go outside to visit loved ones anymore.
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We cannot govern the actions of others. You can do your bid and take care of your parents, including mom, and do the best you can. I have a strange theory to this :). I believe if you help out your dad or others during their old age, I am sure even someone would be there to care about you when you reach this age. Its all about the blessings :)
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Thanks everyone , great replies especially blessed 62 , yes I am over worrying about my brothers actions , they choose there own life .and you don't know what's is always happening in there world, I will keep doing what feels right for me and mum
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I have a sibling that doesnt visit Dad any longer due to his not listening and constant arguing. It would be a great help to have my sibling visit more but I understand...
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Men are different than women and many times they will voice that they cannot handle it when someone is sick. My reply to that would normally be Bull____, but there is just no way you can MAKE someone care or do the right thing. If your brothers chose not to visit Dad you might just gently tell them that you think your Father would like to see them from time to time, but if you become angry and it can become a really bad situation, then you will just create a rift in the family that may not heal. It is a shame that they do not realize how much their visits would mean to you Mom as well.

As long as you and your Mom keep going to visit and it does not become a huge issue, I might say something gently to them, then drop it; and just live with the knowledge that you did everything you could for both Mom and Dad and you are blessed for having done so.

God Bless You Chrissie
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I also have 2 siblings that live within 15 min. of mom and do no not come and see her. And yes I have gotten angry about this. But you have to let it go. You yourself do not want some else telling you what you should be doing or feeling. So you have to give the same respect to your siblings and accept they have their reasons for their actions and they do not have to explain themselves to anyone except themselves. Keep on doing what you feel is right for Dad. and you will be able to live with yourself.
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I used to be angry and upset that my brother never bothered with my mother once she came to live with me, even though she was less than an hour away from him. No phone calls, no cards, no visits. I'd make excuses for him when Mom would ask about him. Gradually, Mom stopped asking and I stopped mentioning him. I learned to let go, because being angry and upset only affected me; it didn't change his behavior. Once I let go, I found peace. It no longer upset me because I understood that I couldn't change him and I wasn't responsible for him. It's been 7 yrs that Mom has been living with me, and he visited once, when she first came here. Mom stopped asking about him a long time ago. I only contact my sister-in-law when there's a major event (illness, injury) in Mom's life, but even then there's no contact from my brother. My brother is who he chooses to be, and so are yours. Let it go.
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all I can tell you is you won't have the regrets your brother's have after your dad/mum are gone. Everything I have ever done for my family has been done out of love for the both of them. I feel blessed to have been able to help. My sister, not so much. That is on her. But what she lives with after my mom dies may end up haunting her. All you can do is encourage your brothers...the rest is up to them.
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Is it possible to Skype dad & brother. Have him hold up a younger picture of himself which might help. Keep it short even if only this is ----your son and want to say I love you. You could set a time and day w/each. It's hard for some thinking I may be just like that. Better than nothing. If they refuse keep it positive as they may relent later.
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Here is another perfect example of someone needing to detach. It is none of your business, what is your business is what you say and do, that is all you can control, and good luck with that too. Too much energy is wasted on things we can not do one thing about, and all that happens is that we are left miserable because of it.
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My husband and I are the "siblings" not able to help out with my mother in law. First, we live over 4 hours away; we have been unable to visit frequently due to my husband being in retail and my youngest daughter going through issues before my mother in law lived with my sister in law. For the years my mother in law lived with my sister in law I had my husband and my mom with me with their health issues which caused my husband to leave his job; go on disability Social Security and we lost our house and had to file bankruptcy. He had four surgeries in that time frame and Mom suffered with three surgeries and dementia before her passing away. I was working full time trying to make ends meet. Now that we can help since our situation is more stable my sister in law lashed out at us because we were unable to help earlier. She feels her life is on hold when we've been able to live ours which she has misinterpreted. She knew of the situations we were in but I believe because she felt so overwhelmed she was not putting everything into perspective. Now we are not on speaking terms. So yes, please take into consideration as the answer above suggested all possibilities of why they may not be visiting. I do feel for you because I know how hard it is without help. God bless you and your dad in the future.
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Perhaps your brother just cannot face that your father has dementia. Your brother may just want to keep in his mind/memories pictures of your father young , strong and healthy. Everyone copes in different ways to get through family crisis. Some people use avoidance. Not right, but it happens unfortunately. Just be there for your mother. She needs you and knows you are doing the right thing by her and your father. Leave your brother out of everything as it appears that is how he "deals" w/ the situation. Less conflict and hard/hurt feelings on both ends that way. God bless.
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Each child of a family has their own issues with their parents. If your brothers choose not to visit your father, then that is their right and none of your business unless they want your opinion. Visit all you want.
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After my father died my brother stopped visiting my mother almost completely tho he only lives about 20 miles away in the same town. It took a while for me to come to several conclusions:
1. He never visited our parents much even before my father died.
2. His visits always engendered some kind of argument, emotional trauma, teasing, complaining and anger.
3. He lies to everyone and exaggerates how much he communicates with Mom. of course I know what he's really doing.
4. I would just as soon he doesn't visit my mom at all at this point.

So, I try to arrange everything between myself and my sister like setting up her new house security system; we did not give him the pass code. I miss the camaraderie of our youth, but now realize even that was a dream I wanted to exist. Let it go but keep yourself strong. You will need that strength later.
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My brothers didn't visit my dad. I think it was part guilt about the money they owed him,and how they would never help him if he needed some work done, plus see their father aging and declining. But they have to live with themselves now.
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When my family members did the same thing with my SIL that we care for, I began asking myself why instead of why not. For example, have the relatives always reacted by pulling away (physically or emotionally) from illness or death in the past? They may not have the ability to handle the emotional punch of your Dad’s illness. Do they tend to shy away from confrontation or difficult discussions in a general way? That may indicate that they do not have the emotional tools to handle the reality of your Dad’s situation. Were they particularly close or not close to Dad, and could that explain either the fear of seeing him sick and needy or the potential mixed feelings from the past?

Then I looked at their day to day situations. If one works, what kind of hours? Is it a good paying 9-5 job, or a swing shift factory worker? Do they get one or two days off per week to handle all their personal affairs, or are they stuck with a random, shifting schedule (i.e.; like a nurse or retail worker)? For the sib that doesn’t work, why not? Is there illness or disability (whether or not it is obvious)? How does that affect their financial outlook? Could that be an issue? Do they have children or grandchildren they care for on a regular basis? What are their daily responsibilities?

I am not suggesting that we should make excuses for family members, but understanding the big picture makes it a lot easier for me to accept the choices my family makes. In our case, one sib recently lost a husband to cancer; another’s spouse had a double mastectomy 3 weeks ago and is adopting their grandchild. One supports an adult child with autism; two others have serious heart disease and depression. The final sib is caring for her father in law, who has dementia. So, when I have compassion for them, I can accept their limitations in visiting their sister.

It is HARD to feel as though we are it, and if we each stumble without the support of our families our loved ones will suffer for it. I have searched out support on my own, and participate in training programs in caring for my SIL, to increase both my sense of competency as well as building the emotional support system I need to cope. I wish you the best of luck and trust that you will find the right path to cope with your family with compassion and love.
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my daughters lives in a nursing home as a result of a car accident. she has a tbi (shaking baby syndrome) I visit her every day and take her home twice a week. she enjoys her home visites.
as far as visitors are concerned ; she has a brother, mother, aunts uncles etc who live in the same town. none of them visit. it took me a long time to get to realize that I am wasting my time wondering why they do not visit their kin.
it's a big pill to swallow.
thanks for your time
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I agree with GrannySmith....Just be there for your Father. You have to live with your own decisions...
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There's really nothing you can do about it. If Dad notices it, and complains about it, you might say something to the brothers about it, otherwise I wouldn't. Agree with other comments, just be there for your dad in your own way, and stay away from the additional burden of their behavior.
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Everyone responds to difficult situations in different ways. If getting dementia is the thing that someone most fears then it is understandable that they might not want to be around someone with dementia, even if it is a loved one. We do not control the actions of others. It is hard not to judge others for what they do but we may not fully understand the situation. Focus on being a good caregiver and taking care of yourself. It is rare that the tasks of caring are evenly distributed among the members of the family.
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It's been hard, but I have stepped away from the anger. Both brothers live far away. One still works and isn't able to visit often. But he comes every other month. The other is retired... can afford it, but hasn't been to visit in 7 months. And then, it was only because I was out of town & mom was alone. Thinking about the things that make you unhappy, keeps you unhappy. I don't even think about the non-visitor... I have my own health to protect. And so do you!
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It is confusing and upsetting to see family members behaving in unkind or unloving ways.

It is OK to give them reminders that Dad would enjoy seeing them (until/unless they tell you to stop.) It is OK to have a non-accusatory discussion with them about their reasons. But if they don't want to talk about it, it is not your business. And if they do talk about it and you think their reasons are bogus, it is not your business.

Your Dad (and Mom) need your attention now. Any energy you waste on matters you cannot control is energy you don't have to give to your parents.

You can control your own actions. You are doing things that satisfy you. If you have minor children you can/should control some of their actions. But that is it. You can't control your brothers, and their decisions are not your business.
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