My dad keeps posting on Facebook for attention. For the most part, I try not to let it bother me. I know that oftentimes he feels alone and overwhelmed as he cares for my mother and he needs support. And when he posts, he gets that.
I don't really like it. Mainly because it feels disrespectful to my mother. I'd rather not act as if she's not here. But I'm not her primary caregiver so I don't say anything.
However, now he's basically started lying in these posts. Saying what a bad day she had and he's so sorry he hasn't been able to answer messages, etc. On a day on which I was there all day and it was a GOOD day. Far from bad. There is no other reason than for sympathy and attention.
I don't know what, if anything, should be said, but this is actually keeping me up at night.
One thing I have learned in my many years of caregiving for my husband and that is you have to learn when to pick your battles. I don't think this is a battle worth fighting. Best wishes.
Does he spend the entire day at home alone with his wife? If so, it's time for some respite and hiring an aide to visit every so often. Now that facilies are opening up, I would suggest him attending a support group. That's probably wishful thinking because very few men attend them.
Her FB antics have almost cost us a relationship....I had to finally decide to keep her on “snooze” but it’s shocking how many people see her posts and make comments to me about them! Her latest showed a woman looking up at a noose (YES!!) and contemplating suicide...with a story about a little boy knocking on the door at just that moment, rescuing her. Good Lord, the people who gave her love for that. I was mortified! To think she told me that I was “unladylike” when I was a girl for smacking my gum or sitting with my legs apart! All I can think, is she wouldn’t like this bahavior at all if she could clearly see what she is doing. It’s our burden that many can and will relate to...we have to love.
He is having a hard time. Not like he can skip on down to the pub for a pint. Not as though he can even sit on a park bench and visit with people. He can't complain to you overmuch. (and must you not have your own outlets to speak your piece? Because you SHOULD).
This is no disrespect to your Mom any more than a pile of Playboys would be. This is about Dad and HIS needs. I say tell him honestly "Dad, I blocked you on FB because while I know you need to share what you feel, it is hurtful to me, as daughter to you both, to see it.
Don't rob your Dad of this simple relief. Just don't go there. Please. It is like pulling a hangnail. You are hurting yourself, knowingly hurting yourself.
I am so sorry for the pain for you all.
I am not condoning lying. Maybe it is something to occupy his mind as a distraction of sorts.
Sounds like he is a creative writer though. If your mom doesn’t see it she won’t even know about it.
Try to ignore it. He very well may get bored with it later and stop. Not sure how you could get him to stop. Maybe he is living out some sort of fantasy.
After so many people asked me what is WRONG with him (nothing, boredom, maybe, a love of argument, LOVES to 'tease') I just blocked all comments from him.
Sure makes my life better. If there is something he posts that is truly funny or uplifting, eventually he'll send it to me as a email.
You don't have to be friends with everyone :)
Do you take over her care and let him get out of the house for respite? Does he have household help coming in? Caring for a spouse, especially when one is elderly himself, is ten times the job it is for a younger person, plus an able-bodied spouse's world becomes incredibly small and isolating. Your dad is making a cry for help, if you ask me.
If anything, I'd make sure his privacy settings are set to "Friends Only" so the things he posts can't be seen by friends of friends, or worse, the whole world. Also make sure his birth year and location aren't on his profile. You don't want anyone who isn't an actual friend knowing that vulnerable seniors are out there ripe for the picking.
. I would be concerned about the potential for fraud and abuse -- which can happen online. So someone needs to stay involved to be sure he is not vulnerable.
Seems to me the issue is how you feel. You might seek some emotional support for yourself. Prehaps even some personal counseling tohelp you deal with you anger toward your dad.
Best of luck to you.
I am out of the loop with Facebook. My daughters have it. My husband and I don’t.
That is so sad. Scams are awful. I get scam phone calls and texts. I put an app on my phone and still get them. I block numbers for the texts and still get them. It’s robo calling and texting and extremely annoying. It’s horrible when people get scammed.
I suppose they do it by mail too by claiming a person won a contest or whatever. My brother would cash the checks sent in the mail!
My elderly uncle was almost scammed. His email was hacked. Thank God he spoke to family members about it. Someone got his email contacts, pretending to be my uncle’s best friend, he asked my uncle for money saying that he was in a jam.
My uncle would have helped him out but he questioned it because his friend is wealthy. They prey on the elderly. So sad.
I still get the fake IRS calls. If I am bored I play along and drive them crazy! They get mad and hang up on me. I usually just hang up.
Geeeez, I remember playing on the phone as a kid with my cousin. It’s ‘kid’ stuff but adults doing it is criminal activity.
also, it is much better than him constantly doing it in person..or doing both . My sibling would give us other sibs a difficult time if we tried to help, we never did anything good enough..such as making mom dinner or if we took out what places we went ..or that we didn’t ask doc a certain thing or get a refill on prescription ...and even if you said oh I didn’t know but I’ll call in to office ..he’d sigh and say no he would handle . So basically most stopped helping although I never did. Eventually this sibling, who parents had actually helped support for ten years after a job loss, was making parents life miserable ..and they refused to allow me to intervene ..either from fear or just avoiding conflict. It made mom feel awful and I think contributed towards her losing the will to live. Also, brother told all our relatives that he was only one who did Anything , and acted the martyr...would actually get angry when one of us helped her while at a family event since ..it made him look bad somehow . I think it was just that it didn’t follow the narrative. But I would catch him rolling his eyes with a cousin and saying ..it’s all for show ..or ..about time they help ...which was not true. I am not one to make family issues public..except anonymously..so I have never told relatives. Just difficult , at moms funeral especially to see him Acting it up. I give credit for caregiving but it was not really that difficult plus had outside help as well. Also , he used moms credit card whenever and also made cash withdrawals which mom knew about but didn’t want to make a fuss. For funeral did the most expensive funeral lunch with moms money..when a simple church one would suffice. Most of these folks never even visited during the long illness ...why feed them at all?! I would have had some coffee and pastries at the church..especially since graveside was immediate family only and not at date of memorial service. Also , without asking rest of us he told relatives he’d make it later the next week to allow them more Time...meanwhile we rushed there from out of state and had hotel booked for just a few days ..was actually no real reason then for us to have come until the viewing . My hubs and I had done all the preplanning with mom at funeral home when she was still able, so most things were arranged.
Facebook can also be strangely addictive for some reason. Especially when not having usual social outlets
I learned to ignore what she said and ask their daughters for updates.
I did not know for a very long time that it was possible to remain a FB friend, but not follow a persons posts. When I stopped following some peoples' posts my stress levels went way down.
He has always been one that loves his alone time away from everyone, but enjoys small times with company. Blessed there. He is a very private person, that’s the hard part for us (his three daughters).
We convinced him to move close to our youngest sister and found a cabin in the woods with a lake. It’s perfect. Step by step we improve his quality of life, while he cares. We joke with him that we the sisters are plotting against him. 😂
we work as a family to provide him with time away to be truly alone, emotional support he needs, breaks he needs.
the reason I’m telling you this is because he might be lonely and depressed. My dads outlet was to shut everyone out. Yours is to post lies on Facebook to let everyone in. He needs a social life that doesn’t involve caring for a woman that he loves but isn’t really there (sorry that one of hardest parts to understand)
find his balance, his hobbies and passions, have deeper conversations with him, if you want have him teach you to care for her, have Him make plans for an escape (short ones first) then longer ones.
stop thinking about him as dad, but as a man, the lost, the pain, the experience he is going through.
1. If the spouse is posting with genuine concerns/feelings, then I would see what support and resources I could suggest - as referenced by posters here.
2. If he is posting just to get sympathy, not a lot you can do.
3. If you feel he is posting falsehoods, then maybe you can tactfully post a response to temper things. Example: My wife had a terrible day today. Your response: Something benign like "Dementia is a terrible thing" or "I miss the way Mom was too" - something that takes the focus off him and puts it on your mom - to hopefully temper the perceived "disrespect." Maybe share in his posts photos or other positive remembrances of your mom.
4. I almost never posted about my mom on Facebook. I too viewed it as disrespectful and an invasion of her privacy, even though she had dementia and really didn't have a clue about Facebook.
Not sure how you could relate that to your dad. I guess you could ask him how he would feel if your husband said something similar to what he's saying about you?
Good luck