First off, please know my dad is amazing and the sweetest most selfless person Ive ever known. He’s always been quiet, calm, passive with a twist of witty and humor. I’ve never heard him curse or say anything vulgar. He’s also a very modest man. I am struggling with his actions lately. He has been fixated on me, his youngest daughter. He’s 80 and I am 48. He lives next door (50 ft) from my house. My mom passed away just a couple of years ago. No one else visits unless they want or need something from him (it seems). Anyway. He’s started making comments like (molest, orgie, sexual thoughts he’s imagining) I just responded with “that’s not very nice daddy”. He tells me he loves me a million times in a day over the phone or when I take him supper. And he wants to hug me constantly and pats me in a flirtatious way. He’s never been much of a hugger. I’ve tried to distance myself and have decided not to go over alone. Am I being overly cautious and how do I respond to him? My heart is breaking because while I know that is not him I don’t want to hurt his feelings or embarrass him.
He was a friend of the family for years and was often at my grandfather’s home. He was a nice guy but his behavior changed when he aged.
Sometimes he tagged along with grandpa to visit us in our home.
I don’t know if grandpa’s friend had dementia in his old age or not. Back then I only heard people say that old people were “feeble.” Talk about dementia wasn’t common when I was young.
Anyway, one day he came over to our house with grandpa. Mom did what she usually did, she put on a pot of coffee for them to enjoy.
I was a teenager and was getting ready to go see a friend of mine. This old man followed me outside and asked if he could pay me $10 to kiss me!
I just remember thinking that he was a pervert and told him that I didn’t want his money or a kiss!
I never told anyone, especially not my grandpa because I thought the world of my grandpa and didn’t know how he would react. I was a kid and couldn’t process the situation as an adult would.
I can tell you this though. Whenever this old man, either he had dementia or he was a dirty old man came over, I stayed clear of him. I flew the coop and went off for hours until I thought he was gone from my house.
Many years later, I told mom about it and she was so upset and said that grandpa would have not been happy about it. She also said that she would have never allowed him to come to our house if she had known that he tried to pay me for a kiss.
We can clearly see how much you love your dad. You are permitted to love your father with or without dementia in the mix. Please accept that he isn’t the man that he once was.
Your dad does have dementia. His behavior has drastically changed. It is causing harm to you.
Love means helping others and yourself. It doesn’t mean that you sacrifice your well being so that you don’t embarrass him.
Love doesn’t mean that you turn a blind eye to his behavior either. It also doesn’t mean that it is anyone’s fault. This disease is insidious. For all you know there could be other reasons for his behavior at play as well.
It’s perfectly fine to discuss his behavior with a caregiver forum but no one here can do anything about this situation.
Speak to professionals about all of your concerns. Then listen to what they advise for your dad. Whether it’s meds or something else, do whatever is necessary to help your father and to keep you and others safe.
Wish you peace as you navigate through this disturbing issue.
First of all, it honestly breaks my heart when people are making cruel and judgmental comments towards you, eph, when you are already in such a vulnerable place emotionally. And I want to mention, in solidarity, that the people doing so appear to have made a habit of it, since I too have received similar comments of sheer disbelief and condemnation from them in the past. Perhaps reporting their comments will get the mods involved, idk.
Secondly, the people who mentioned that medication is the best way to manage hypersexual behavior were being the most compassionate. It's not even difficult to carefully reduce or eliminate someone's sexual impulses with certain medications. So you don't need to shout at your dad or whisk him off to a care home and never visit him again, at all. Just check in with his doctor, they'll be able to help you.
Finally, the fact he's experienced such a drastic change within a few short weeks is very concerning in itself. It could be a brain tumor or lesion or mini-stroke or who knows what. But since you're already doing all you can to sort that out with medical tests, I won't harp any more on that.
"It's not even difficult to carefully reduce or eliminate someone's sexual impulses with certain medication." I hope all these myriad missing citations there have wonderful clinical outcomes. It's not practical for the layperson to trust in yet-proven medication intervention for the single-subject whose daily care they are in charge of.
Get the treatment, yes, of course. In the meantime...
It remains to be seen if this works for their dad.
Parent. Child. Sexual aggression behaviors. Thems the facts.
And the caregiver in this situation matters much more than someone who is in cognitive decline.
You're a doll. I disagree, respectfully.
I wouldn't advise anything except to remove oneself from the situation and wait for improvement.
I can easily keep that in mind.
Dementia, stroke, other brain changing illnesses change behaviour & personalities. It does NOT take away from the person they were.
The behaviour can hopefully be modified with behaviour plans & medication to allow caregivers to feel safe. In this case, for the daughter to feel safe.
Sexual inhibition can happen. To females as well as males (maybe less so). It is not evil, just another strange way our brains work (or lose function).
I admire any caregiver who can roll with the wildest, most abusive behaviors and find behavior redirections that work. And medication has to be sought and tried.
I would not tell a daughter to "keep trying" different things while they stay in a daily hands-on caregiving role to a father who is sexually fixating on them and is escalating his sexual talk and touching. I would advise them to try different things via third parties, and then return when those things have worked.
You didn't say they should stay in the current situation and work on behavior changes themselves, and I appreciate that.
I'm concerned for any child caregiving to a parent who sexually fixates on them. Some experiences with dementia parents can't be undone under "that's just the disease." This isn't unique to sexual dementia behaviors, but I do think it needs additional consideration.
Because this is a "sexual" issue everyone gets bent out of shape, yet we can easily chalk off a demented elder saying horribly ugly things to us! Oh it's just the disease. So is THIS! That's not to say any inappropriate sexual behavior should be tolerated, or that dad should go out on his own to touch strangers or children. No. But it should be treated immediately and his doctor should be notified, as they would with any other abnormal behavior.
OP, steer clear of dad until he's been treated and the meds are working. Nobody wants to see such behavior from their father, NOBODY. Nor do we want to see ANY dementia take over an elders life and completely morph them into a stranger we no longer know.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
I get bent out of shape over any kind of abuse. Dementia or not no one has to put up with a pervert j**king off to porn night and day in their house. That's abuse.
When the "disease" gets to the point where abusive behaviors are ruining lives and wrecking families it's time for memory care or a nursing home.
People put parental disablers on computers as well as on tv's.
The constant masturbation is something no one has to put up with.
I had a client years ago that had to go to a nursing home for a while. He had to have his room changed because his roommate abused himself night and day. No one has to put up with that or with porn in their home.
So u don't feel alone, I found the other post similar to ur problem.
Please be more repulsed by your situation and get yourself out of this position as your dad's sexual fixation-caregiver. Have someone else take over his daily care so that you can always remember him as a sweet and wonderful dad. A neutral third party would better navigate the situation, and you can have oversight and make sure he's well cared for, at least until the fixation stops or there can be medical intervention or something. I wish you the best.
Whether with or without a husband at your side it is time for a sitdown with dad. You will tell him that you are made very uncomfortable by any "sex talk" from him. That it is inappropriate and very hurtful to you. That if he cannot control doing this, then you cannot visit with him any more, nor be a support to him, and this will mean he will need to enter nursing home care sooner rather than later.
That there will not now or in future be any hugging or touching from him EVER.
You are going to have to lay down rules now. You will be surprised to know that it IS IN HIS ABILITY to obey them. If he cannot, then indeed he needs to enter care.
You are going to have to stop being tentative and weak on this. That doesn't work. You have to be positive and strong and stop even a hint of this AT ONCE and with outrage.
I would say maybe. The human brain is a very tricky thing and who knows what areas of impulse control his dementia is affecting.
Why he has targeted the one daughter and not the other daughters will probably remain a mystery.
I do also wonder about hypersexuality in the demented and why they only target one gender. Does anyone suffering from this ever target bother genders? I would assume so but I haven't read any posts on this forum about it.
And yes daughter should definitely stand her ground on this against her father. As she would if any other man was giving her unwanted attention. It is OK to assert yourself and make it plain and clear that this behavior is not accepted and will not be tolerated. I would also never hug or touch him again if I was OP since it seems to set off his urges.
More than likely this behavior will increase as his dementia gets worse. They have medications to control hypersexuality in the demented and the daughter should have a talk with dad's doctor about getting him on something to chemically castrate that area of his brain.
I am glad daughter is looking into getting dad placed in a facility. It's heartbreaking to have to feel replused and disgusted by your own father who was a good man before this happened to him.
Damaged brains are the reason for most if not all of the things in society that we call evil. That is the reason a person can do horrible things and feel no remorse and continue to act on their immoral and terrible impulses. Such a sad commentary on the human mind and human beings in general and what ever pathetic excuse of a being created this mess in the first place.
Maybe I’m wrong. That sounds like a simple step.
were your parents still married and living near you? Perhaps you remind him of his wife from years ago. Any pictures of her at your age now?
Adult day care. Possible to get him involved in something other than his home? A senior activity day
This is a very unpredictable desease. Things just flit threw their minds. And sometimes they act on it with no understanding of whats going on. No, its not Dads fault but you need to protect yourself. You need to tell him his feelings are wrong. I am glad you realize its time for Dad to be placed. Good Luck.
Teepa Snow
@BurntCaregiver, your response is also appreciated as I need to know how I can respond to him. But, I must say you and AliBoBali are cruel in your quick judgment to the overall and overwhelming situation I am in. Early stages in an unfamiliar situation and pending answers I felt the need to research and found this site in hopes to be able to be more knowledgeable with those who are also going through this. I however didn’t expect such mean and judgmental accusations. I need support and recommendations not hate and accusations.
If you're ok with this behavior, then carry on. And if you're not, then get intervention for him that doesn't require you to be his female company and caretaker. A professional third party would better handle this kind of thing and you can still have oversight and be assured he's cared for.
Do you want to remember your sweet, selfless dad as a perv in his last years? Step aside. Get professional help. I wish you well.
...
I apologize to everyone here. This isn't a good topic for me. And I'm sick at the moment, so not at my best.
Being molested by your parent, in any way shape, or form, is traumatic. Especially as an adult.
Your father needs to be told very plainly indeed by you that his behavior is inappropriate, disgusting, wrong in every way, and will not be tolerated by you. Even people with dementia many times still possess some level of self-awareness.
How is it that you worry about hurting and embarrassing him because he has dementia and can't help it, yet he's still allowed to live alone in his house?
If your father's dementia is at the point where he engages in sexualized behavior towards his own daughter, then his condition is more advanced than you think it is.
He belongs in a memory care facility or needs a 24-hour caregiver. He should not have a waking moment that isn't supervised.
His hyper sexual behvaior may not stay restricted to you. He may decide to go for a walk some day and attempt to molest and sexually assault a girl or woman that he finds attractive and end up getting hurt himself or worse.
I was a homecare worker for 25 years. I've had many old and young men on my service who had dementia or were mentally ill and therefore not responsible for their behaviors and actions.
There have been more than a couple who were hyper sexual and who got handsy.
Believe me when I tell you this, I was never above physically defending myself. A couple times the pepper spray came out. There have been men shoved to the ground by me, and one crowned in the face with a skillet. No means no and stop means stop. If that point has to be made with violence by a female like myself, it will not trouble us.
A sexual predator is a sexual predator dementia or not and will be treated like one by everyone else. He needs constant supervision now either at home or in a memory care facility.
Please take your father to his doctor for an assessment of his needs. He needs supervision at this time of life and if it cannot be provided at home it can be at a memory care facility.
How do you "respond to him." You say "NO. That's not ok." Be verbally aversive and stand up for yourself.
It's hard for me to believe, sorry, that anyone is this calm, flowery, and descriptive about being sexually targeted by their father, "early dementia" or not. Forgive me if I'm wrong.
If you want attention, here it is. If you want advice, here it is.