My elderly parents ignore my phone calls. What would you do?
I'm an only adult "child". My parents are 79 and 87, both have narcissistic personality disorder and are extremely difficult and abusive. I keep my distance but try to stay in touch here and there by phone. They are so controlling that everything must be on their terms. They call once in awhile as if nothing is wrong then ignore me when I call most of the time. Recently I got a call from their best friends who live across the country. My parents stopped calling them and block their calls. These nice people are lifelong friends and either gave or loaned my parents a large amount of money so they could buy a house.
Now my parents have the house but are stretched so thin financially, they are hurting. I cannot believe they're avoiding these friends, who have only been good to them.
I've had welfare checks done on my parents. Every time they're fine and say nothing is wrong. The last time was yesterday. I called my parents friends today to see if they finally called them and they haven't, despite dad calling to tell me they would (after the welfare check).
I cannot reach my parents again today so I'm stopping. They thrive on chaos and drama and I cannot get sucked into it again. I've suffered severe abuse in the past due to their cruelty so I must stay at a distance. Still, I don't want harm to come to them or their friends. I'm wondering if they stiffed their friends and cannot or won't pay them back. They are bad with money. Once a lawyer called, telling me dad ran up a credit card and never paid anything. It's their issue, I know, but I am afraid. What would you do? I'm 56 but feel like that abandoned kid all over again (I was taken from our home as a teen due to her abusing me). Part of me just wants to walk away. They are sharp and capable, but I fear they are getting secretive for some reason.
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It seems to me that you have been told that your parents are fine several times, and it doesn't seem to me just now that they are the ones causing the drama. They are not reporting you for wellness checks; you are reporting them; and being told they are fine. Unless I am missing something they are trying to avoid you. Your description of them describes some quite awful human beings who have been lifelong abusers. I know it sounds like tough love, but I am advising you to now concentrate on your own healing, your own life, your own moving forward and leave your parents to the fate they wish for themselves and have created for themselves. Wishing you luck, and suggesting that you get on now with a real life for yourself. Their loans, their finances and their friends are, quite honestly, their own business.
As hard as this is, just walk away. My mother ignores my phone calls and hasn't bothered to 'learn' my phone number after 40 years of it being the exact same number.
Then she says I ignore and abandon her.
Your parents have created this situation and it's THEIRS, not yours. When/if the friends call you and are worried or upset, you can say "I'm not in contact with them" and be honest about it. Their friends made the choice to help out your folks, so they must take responsibility for what the fallout may be.
The tell-tale for me was the past abuse. You are trying to love and care for two people who weren't there for you..in fact, caused you no end of pain.
It's truly OK to cut contact. No explanation even needed.
And know you are NOT alone in this sad dynamic.
Fear, Obligation and Guilt, this can be crippling. You sound like a very thoughtful, caring person. Me, I would walk away, let it flow, whatever happens, happens. They are shutting their former friends out because they owe them money. I have not spoken to my mother for 9 years, she was very toxic, like your parents an abuser. It was me or her, I chose me. I wish you the best!
Mom called back five minutes later, blaming the cell phone. I've done all I can to help them with it but she refuses to do anything (especially learn) but complain and get upset. So this time I told her to call the phone company and have them walk her through fixing any problems she thinks it has. I won't enable this behavior any further. To my surprise she called back later and said she did it. And she said she was going to call their friends. From now on, she's on her own. Enough is enough. Give her an inch and she takes a mile..then whines for more. Educating herself to use the phone instead of endlessly complaining, throwing fits and hating it gets her nowhere. Tough love belongs with those who deserve it, not with their victims.
My parents and I have parted ways for now. They no longer call and I have no interest in fighting this battle anymore. They are very entitled and angry people and I can never do enough for them. My therapist says they only give attention to those who will do things for them and withhold affection or attention to anyone they cannot use (me). My strong boundaries have been for my protection and I will continue to have them. For the sake of my (struggling) physical health due to stress over their problems, I am letting go.
Just a year ago I was deeply involved in helping a woman I THOUGHT was a friend, but when I had to step back and freeze a CC I was letting her use...she blew up at me "NOW what am I going to do?" I was taken aback by the anger, and I slowly came to realize she is a taker, plain and simple. She takes and takes and is not only ungrateful, she is nasty when crossed. I went 'no contact' with her, and while I can't completely ignore her (she's a neighbor)...I can be as uninvolved with her as I choose.
Wouldn't make a difference if it were family or friend. Users will use...and not understand that they are abusing us by expecting us to be available. 24/7.
Stick to your guns. I am 'grey rock' with my mother, currently, and it's hard but the lack of stress is wonderful.
Back to the 3 C’s
You did not cause this behavior
You can not control this behavior
You can not cure this behavior
Be grateful they have each other as crazy as that can be and sounds. The friends loan or gift is not your issue. I recently went through something similar and felt responsible. Again, not your doing as it wasn’t mine either. Don’t beat yourself up. Sounds like you’re a kind loving daughter. Set your own boundaries.
Love yourself ! You are worth it !