My father (80) has been in the same facility for 2 years now. Although he entered for PT/rehab, we realized that there was no way he could go back to his house, so he stayed while we weighed out every possible option. For the first year, he lived in the PT room that he was admitted into. Then because of Covid, he was moved, and has spent the last year on the LTC side (in a much bigger, much nicer room - not to mention, there’s more going on there). Prior to Covid, I’d spent countless hours talking to dad about living with me, moving home with an aide, moving to this facility’s AL. None of which he wanted to commit to. We also toured multiple other AL facilities. He loved all of them, “they’re very nice..... but not to live in!” he said.
As with many, the Covid lockdown has taken its toll on the residents - dad included. They still have to eat all their meals in their rooms, but things are looking brighter and there are a few small group activities going on throughout the day. Dad (and I) have both been vaccinated, and as an essential caregiver, I can visit him twice a week for 2 hours each visit, in addition to 1 hour visits any other day of the week. I visit at least 4 times a week.
Dad has dementia but is high functioning - when he’s not having a panic attack. He is in total denial that there is anything wrong with him (always has been), and since he’s been at this facility, he takes on the role as an employee - not a resident. Because of this, he will not let his guard down and befriend other residents (even high functioning ones). When I visit, he will often point out someone who is sleeping in their chairs or complain about another one who often calls out for help. He says: “ugh see that one? All they do is sleep!”
As I mentioned, some are high functioning and I have met many residents there who “I” can (and have) had a very intelligent conversations with. That being said, I know one resident in particular (a woman) who has tried to befriend him. He wants no part of it. I tell him that she only wants to be friends, but he doesn’t even want that. And it’s not just her.... he doesn’t want to be friends with anyone.
Dad depends on me emotionally for a lot. Maybe I’ve created this by helping him cope with everything he’s had to go through or deal with. He has a great deal of anxiety and the littlest things set him off.
He calls me for everything. Sometimes I can get 9 calls between 6am and 9am (usually I don’t answer until 8:30, which means he’ll keep calling and calling until I do). He won’t ask the staff for help (I think, because he refuses to acknowledge that they are there to assist him). He’d sooner call me and have me try to armchair coach from my house. And when it comes to other residents, he will either “help them” as an employee would, or complain about them.
This has been the last 3 years of his (and my) life. Prior to moving into LTC, dad lived alone and would call me daily asking if I wanted to “go to lunch” or make up a story about something he wanted to give me. Even then, I used to drive down to his house (an hour each way) at least 3 times a week because I knew he had nothing else going on.
He is resistant to change and always has been. I feel tremendous guilt for where he has ended up, but it’s safe, it’s clean, there’s stimulation, and I’m 100% sure he’d be dead if he still lived in his house. Besides dementia, I’m beginning to think that there are other mental health issues that my dad has been combatting for years and years. Of course, now that he’s 80, and has some additional physical limitations, everyone says it’s the dementia, regardless of what the issue is.
I want dad to be comfortable but I don’t see it happening. I definitely don’t think moving him would make a difference and at this point I don’t even think moving him in with me with make a difference. He just won’t let himself be happy. I try not to absorb his negativity, but I can’t help it. It’s worn me down.
How do you expect him to acclimate to the facility if you are visiting 4 times a week?
Once we got my mom "settled" and over the hump of being familiar with her IL (we moved her from an AL that was not a good fit) I visited once a week. For about 2 hours. I would take her out to shop at Bed Bath and Beyond or to get her hair cut. Then we would have tea. The facilty took her everywhere else.
When she would call with an emergency (light bulb blown, ants in her kitchen) we'd say "You have staff, mom. Call the front desk".
We enabled her to be independent this way for a few more years. Seeing a good Geriatric psych for her anxiety and depression helped. Low doses of meds and talk therapy allowed her to take back that part of her life as well.
Don't confuse love with constantly hovering.
Look, I was nearly an hour away with a stressful full time job, spouse and new grandchild. I didn't have the bandwidth to hover and besides, making my mother happy isn't/wasn't MY job.
Now we have you question which you kind of already answered for yourself, that being are you enabling him. I think the answer there is yes. I frankly dislike the phone. Imagining being a slave to its ringing 9 times a day from the same person is my idea of a dystopian nightmare. I would tell your Father that you feel YOU have a phone addiction, and are now leaving your cell phone at home, and will not be available to answer. That you will be certain to be in touch with him every a.m. and every p.m. , that being twice a day, for a brief checkin. Make this YOUR problem, not his, and it will go down a bit more easily.
I sure wish you luck. I think as relatives we always "Pick Up the Luggage". That is to say that when our loved ones are unhappy we swing immediately into "fix-it mode". The truth is-- and I know you know that, because really you aren't questioning so much as venting what is hurtful and difficult for you--these losses cannot be fixed. They are here and they will get worse. I won't be hiking the Appalachian Trail again. I am down to a garden, and my abilities THERE are more and more limited every day.
I sure do wish you luck. First of all, know that what Dad feels is normal and appropriate to where he is. Secondly know that there isn't a whole lot to be thrilled about here. Yes, he has a lovely daughter who cares and he is in a good facility, and that is reason to be happier than he would be without those two facts. But it doesn't change where he is in his life.
Now you must take care of yourself, so that your patience doesn't wear so thin that you cannot be there for him. I wish you the very best, and your Dad as well.
Your message clearly shows that you know what is best for your dad.
Your father is well cared for where he is and you are free to be his daughter instead of a caregiver.
Please remove your guilt. You are a wonderful daughter.
I realize that have the best of intentions for your dad by wishing him to be happy but I am afraid that the best gift that you can give yourself and your father is to accept him as he is.
Accepting him as he is doesn’t mean that you have to like his negativity.
We simply don’t have the power to change other’s behavior, no matter how much we may desire it.
Talk to his doctor if you feel like meds may be helpful.
Sometimes, we have to ‘nod and say yes’ to their comments. This isn’t agreeing with what they are saying.
It’s being agreeable for yourself. They can’t argue the point!
Best wishes to you and your dad.
You know what they say, Denial is not just a river in Egypt? Yeah well, that phrase was coined for my mother.
Anyway, my poor DH spent (honest to God) 25 minutes pointing out to my 94 mother all she has to be grateful for and all the blessings in her life, including but not limited to her first GREAT GRANDCHILD who's now 2 weeks old, and not ONCE would she (God forbid) acknowledge she has one single thing to be grateful or happy about! It's how she rolls. All negativity all the time, and it's soul sucking for you and I, period. She has a WART and it's the end of the world! She's had it removed 100x over the past 6 years at a cost of God knows how much already, and it grows back every time. I finally got aggravated and said Be grateful ALL YOU HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT AT 94 is a WART.
You need to feel NO GUILT whatsoever for placing your dad where he BELONGS, first off. I feel no guilt myself. My mother belongs right where she is, whether SHE believes it or not.
Your father & my mother are NEVER going to be happy, PERIOD. I often say, I can put my mother up at the Palace of Versailles and she'll complain that all the gold is tarnished.
Let go of the NEED to please dad. It ain't gonna happen. You're just setting yourself up for more pain and anguish. He's fine. He's cared for and he's choosing how to spend his time: happy or sad HIS choice, not yours.
Set down some firm boundaries and turn your phone off. Decide on what time you'll speak to him once a day, and leave it at that. Allow him to make a life for himself at the facility. And again, it's HIS choice to do that or not. But YOU have to give him a chance TO do it. Being there for him constantly is not allowing him to create a new life for himself.
Step back a bit, is my point. Stop trying to fix something that is SO broken it is permanent now. As long as dad is being properly cared for, leave him be. Visit once a week or whatever, and go about living YOUR life how YOU see fit. Dad is fine. So is my mother. With or without us, they tend to find a way to thrive. Trust me on that.