three years ago I had to make the decision to go no contact with my parents after they caused me tremendous pain and issues in my life i just couldn’t take it anymore. and because of their smear campaign against me and my desperate need to heal and find peace, i stayed away. i
i have been grieving every person in my life for three years because of the pain they caused me .
I was never respected or seen as anything other than a possession and I had to make a change .
My grandmother just died today , and I just need support. I love my family and always felt like the black sheep or the outcast. I never felt accepted or wanted but it didn’t change my love for them. I don’t have regrets concerning my decision, but I aways want to look out for future me. I don’t ever want to look back and wish I had done something different. I’m trying to do right by me and I just know i can’t go to the services because if I do, I put myself in harms way- like going in to a bee hive. I’m sure to get hurt.
but if I don’t go, all the things they’ll say about me, And it gives them even more reason to blame me if ever we did reconcile anything. I’m just in a place where I realize I’m damned either way, I just have to take care the best way I know how. Like my mom is such a bad person it’s sucks that I love her so much when she never could love me, and now I can’t even think about being there for her.
but the lady that actually raised me died when I was 15 and my mom was not there for me. For anything actually.
I don’t know I’m just trying , I’m pretty alone . I had one friend reach out and that was nice to know that someone acknowledged my pain.
many partner also had COVID so I’m taking care of that too it’s just a lot.
if you pray, whoever you pray to, please pray for me.
anyone looking for a bonus daughter ?
💔
I also recommend some grief counselling.
God bless you
and yes, that would most definitely happen . I’m afraid there would be a scene that would cause more disruption than honor to my granny .
I wish there were some kind of book with all the exact answers but there just isn’t because there is no right or wrong, there just is.
I thought about sending something but I do fear that would open a can of worms I’m not willing to deal with. No contact in my case was kind of intense and I had no other choice , and they still mess with me , they just never saw me as an individual but as a possession. I think that’s a beautiful idea to wait and go alone. Thank you so much .
I am so sorry for the loss of your grandma. I agree that you should take care of you first, and in no way you should open yourself up for more pain. The thing is that narc parents enjoy hurting their children. Sick, isn't it?
I hope your partner will recover fully from COVID.
also thanks for reminding me that I’m not alone. It’s helpful to hear . And i know you’re right and I will never be able to wrap my mind around my parents enjoying when They hurt me. That will never be me. I empathize with people who cause me the most pain. I don’t always want to but I always do. Sometimes I wish I could cut off the amount of love I dish out , it just hurts too much when you see just how much love isn’t there.
I recently started to heal when someone told me that “before you can forgive others, you have to forgive yourself.
That simple statement TOTALLY revised and refreshed my thinking about a painful and troubling situation in my own life. I hope it can be helpful to you too.
My own mother was a severe agoraphobic. I was always active in stage activities, and she was never there, never part of my audience. It was only in the last few years of her life that she and I were able to broach the decades long gap.
YOU need to be your own VERY BEST MOTHER. Your comments seem t indicate that you’re making a good start at doing so.
Your grandmother loved you, and that doesn’t change whether you go to her services or not. At some point in life, you will realize that when people “say things” to do you harm, they are reflecting on themselves dissatisfaction in themselves and their own lives.
Think of all the things you loved about your grandmother, put them into your memory, and let thoughts of anyone unkind or hostile to you be released. You may need to practice releasing often, but it will happen.
she knows my intentions are to end the cycle of abuse that got her too. Things are passed down until someone is ready to face it, I think that’s why I am here.
I just wish I had someone to hug, ya know? I have an online platform which still boggles me .. and people would never know I’m this alone.
im thankful for my partner he’s incredible.
just can’t hug him because of Covid and all. Thank you again.
Work out what's best for you and put yourself first...you are allowed to do that...give yourself the permission to do so. Good luck!
Perhaps, consider having your own ceremony by yourself or with a friend or family member who supports you. You can write your own eulogy about her and what she meant to you. You can make it as ornate (with flowers or more) or very simple. Tell your dear grandmother how you feel. Sammy64 had a very nice thought of going to her grave. Perhaps repeat your eulogy there. *big hug*
thank you for being an angel to a total stranger. Grief is a strange thing to navigate. I’ve been through a lot of it in my 31 years. You have made me feel cared about during a time I’ve felt unseen. I appreciate your validation. I cannot thank you enough.
Many on this forum have toxic families. Most are learning to walk away. Some have successfully been able to set boundries. Some stay because they feel there is no way out or they must stay. You have to do what is good for you. I cannot imagine being verbally abused all the time and put down. For me, I would walk away.
im Not sure it’s in my wheel house. Who would it be for , ya know? A bunch of people who were never there for me? A bunch of people who spread lies about me? A bunch of people who didn’t care? I just don’t think it’s something I can consider as much as it breaks my heart because she deserved to have her oldest granddaughter there, but the price I would pay would be heavy. I’ll have to think it all out, I’m going to have a service of my own I think to help process it all. Thanks for helping me
‘Love’ is like the umpty shades of grey. There are different sorts of love. Almost everyone feels a strong connection to their parents, even strong tugs to birth parents they have never met. I felt a strong tug to my dreadful father, and visited him 12,000 miles away until close to his death. There were some good memories in there (he could be very amusing and entertaining), but I never felt affection for him. He was not a good man.
My first husband and I parted in difficult circumstances (he walked out on me for a younger model), and I felt bad about it. Four years later, I am a bit more able to remember the good times we had earlier, and to feel a more affection for those memories of him.
It might help you if you find a different word for your connections with your family. If you keep saying ‘love’, you can never resolve the difference between that word and the way you really feel.
I hope that makes some sense to you, and that it might even help you let go of some of the bad stuff. And focus on your good memories of your grandmother, whether or not you choose to go to her funeral. Yours, Margaret
Depending on your budget, you could host your own little celebration of life party for your grandma.
Decorate with pictures of your granny and flowers and music. You could invite a bunch of friends. You could all have a toast to your grandma after you give a eulogy.
Or, if you are low on funds, you could take a best friend out to coffee. It could be your best friend, or your granny’s.
Whatever your budget, you could mark the special day in your own way. 😀
You could even come back here and post your eulogy on that day. We can be your audience members. Let us know all the things you loved about her. 💕
Best wishes to you.
thabk you for those suggestions. I think that would help me tremendously . I’m screenshotting so I don’t forget anything . Thank you so much for writing it ❤️❤️
I do believe in healing, that’s my whole intention with my life choices so far. I appreciate you taking time out of your day for me. It really means so much . Thank you so much for your suggestion too I think that is a great idea.