My grandma threatens to knock my teeth out and is generally abusive. What do I do?
My grandma lives at her trailer with my dad. We have to be here, my dad's saving for a house.
She's been rude ever since I moved in and is extremely transphobic to me since I came out. Everyone yells at me when I correct her and I get disapproving looks from her.
I'm very uncomfortable around her and she likes that.
She's on like 20 medications, including opioids that should make her be able to control her temper but it doesn't work. I've researched each one of them to an extent most people wouldn't. I honestly I just wish they'd stop prescribing her antidepressants. She. Doesn't. Need. Them.
She wakes me up with the tv, she watches shows with rape and screaming. Screaming is a trigger for me and she knows it. I have enough problems without her. My dad has had to modify the tv so it can't go above a certain volume but it still shakes the house. (her stupid son Randy got her 4 speakers for the damn tv...)
This started when...
She drove drunk with my siblings in the back seat of her car 13 ish years ago and she keeps trying to get me to go in the car with her.
I don't wanna go anywhere with her.
She defends her abusive, drug addict, drunk son. He cornered me and was probably going to kill me. I had to literally pull a knife to get him to stop.
She's threatened to knock my teeth out and sometimes raised her hand to me. She laughs when I get hurt.
She touches my cuts??? To make it hurt worse?
I was showing her a gash I got and had to quickly pull away because she went to grab (and probably squeeze) my arm.
She continued to scream, scream at me, throw a tantrum and call me a "disrespectful kid". FOR PULLING MY ARM AWAY!
I told her outright that she was being an ass.
She tells me how I "haven't been through anything yet" and yet she's not been through anything, truly. She's just whining to whine. It seems to be a theme here.
I'm a trans man and she always makes remarks, calling me a woman or girl at any chance, calling me she or her, and introducing me as my deadname. And I told her a year and a half ago I was trans and to stop calling me my deadname!!
She acts all angelic and calls me what I should be called around my dad..
I finally got courage and introduced myself "hi I'm Shane" and she broke it. She said "oh her actual name is (deadname)". That broke me. I had told her I was trans 3 months before and she was handing my deadname out like candy to kids on Halloween.
She makes fun of my trauma and manipulates my dad. She manipulates him to buy her expensive stuff...
She has 3 industrial racks of clothes in the garage and it's all moth-eaten but she won't get rid of it. I have no closet space!!!
She constantly says "I wish you were dead" or "you should've suicided a while ago". She also likes to make me be her servant.
Because she "can't" walk (she can. She just refuses to use her cane. Maybe that's for the best...) She forces me to get her things and clean up things for her.
"Go wash the dishes"
"Get me (what she wants)"
"Start the car for me"
"Load my bags in the car" doesn't she have Randy to do that for her?
If I refuse, she screams and has a fit like a 5 year old with a broken toy.
She constantly threatens me with physical violence and won't let me leave the trailer park. "what if I need something?" She found out about my disorder and constantly calls me stupid and a retard ever since.
She invites Randy over all the time, then screams at me for walking around the house with a dagger (she knows I don't trust Randy).
She's torturing me while she can, she knows I'm moving to California in August. I also need to get a restraining order on her and Randy, but I have no money. The last thing I want is to settle into my California home, get a new number, give my dad my address and number, only to have him give both to grandma and Randy.
Randy WILL waste his money to come over and antagonize me. And so will grandma and the cousins.
What do I do about all this, especially the physical violence threats??
20 Answers
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Please set your sight higher than living in the van. Maybe for short term, but not a good long term solution. California already has a huge homeless problem. Don't add more to it.
Ok then you figured out your own dilemma. Your gonna get your van fixed, then your gonna drive to California, and live in your van, and for work your gonna be a garbage man.
Good Luck
Are you working now? If not get a job and you’ll be out of the house more.
At 19 you have no friends? Did you finish high school? Seek out support groups in your community or call the LGBT hotline.
Do you have a smartphone? Cut down the cost of the plan. Cut corners any way you can and start saving.
You are in their home & must live by their rules. Pure & simple.
I would rent a single room somewhere, maybe YMCA or a boarding home,
Good luck!
If it's nice weather you and after, parts of Florida are quite inexpensive. As a trans man, you also want to consider the rainbow-friendliness factor of any location you are considering. Yes CA is pretty progressive, but the money factor is huge. I would love to live in California, and I have financial resources, but there is no way I'd ever move there. I'd be spending every dime just to survive.
Please take care of yourself and be safe. Hugs.
Get it repaired/take the cash.
Move.
Give your father your new cell phone number.
If he gives your new number to people you don't want contacting you, you can block their calls.
Don't give your father your new address.
Who do you know where you're moving to?
How long does it take to get your van fixed so you can leave? Beg, borrow, do whatever you need to to do to get the van fixed and leave.
Your nasty relatives will not change, so don't expect them to. It will just disappoint you. If possible, you should see a therapist to help you through this trauma.
Cost of living in Florida is most definitely a lot less then California.
You, talking about having to get your van fixed first before you can leave sounds like a scary thing in itself. Just so you are aware even a 20 year old truck cost $200 a year just to register it in California, car insurance is high here too, and gas runs very high as well. Do serious research if you haven’t. Not wanting to insult you
but we all at 19 thought we knew best, and learned some tough lessons.
Good Luck.
Shane, you have to carry a weapon in your own home to protect yourself? OK, this is domestic abuse, plain and simple.
Others have made comments and given you places to reach out to. DO SO!!
A homeless shelter would be heaven compared to living with this toxicity. I hope you can garner enough courage and support to get out of this situation.
Do you have friends you can reach out to? Are you working, currently? Would dad lend you enough money to just get out and start over? You could just rent one room in a home. I know I see ads all the time for people who are renting out just a bed and bath for a few hundred bucks a month.
Mostly, you just need to GET.OUT.
Good Luck. I do agree with Cwillie that the LGBT community may be the best resource to you. Sadly, you are not alone with the prejudice and hate. It just hurts so much more when it comes from family.
Your current situation is shite, and as a fellow human, I feel for you deeply.
I agree with the good advice you've been given, make use of ANY services available to you in your area. A shelter seems like a good option-you are being abused.
Do write about your life, it'll take the edge off.
You are brave and resilient.
I wish you well.
R27
get out now!
Now, on to your problem. Grandma is who grandma ALWAYS was. So nothing is different other than the fact you are now choosing to live smack dab in the middle of this without a lot of room left to maneuver.
Your being trans almost certainly has not a lot to do with this (though in terms of being nasty and mean it is likely her ammunition). I used to work with an old Irish Nurse who, when we saw prejudice exhibited (of any kind), would say "Things change one coffin at a time". Realistically, dependent on age and severity of her opiate addiction, Grandmom's may be heading her way any moment.
ALL that said, I don't really see any other answer than knowing that in staying you are making a choice for the reasons you mentioned; go to the library a lot to write your novel; and at the point you cannot deal with this, move.
Wishing you good luck going forward and happy writing. I always end with "I hope you will update us" and in this case I mean it more than ever.
Is there any way that you can move to California BEFORE August? And do, as other writers have suggested, make use of any social safety nets in your area.
http://www.glnh.org/ 888-843-4564