She is just getting over COVID, and I am just trying to get over it. She was in the hospital and I had her bird and ended up catching COVID. I am still not feeling well at all even though I am past being contagious. Regardless, I live over an hour away from her and I speak to her almost every day, and every day she is usually not the most pleasant to talk to and constantly tells me that she wishes God would just take her. I try to encourage her and tell her it hurts my heart to hear her say this. I realize she is lonely but I can’t uproot my life to move in with her because I am a single mom and my job is near me, along with my son’s school. I have offered her to move in with me but she will not (she is 90). Even if she did move in with me she still would not be happy and be miserable, and she doesn’t want to leave her house (her house is beautiful but in a rough neighborhood)
Today, I still am not feeling so great and took her bird back and as soon as I walked in she fell apart worse then she normally does on the phone. I just lost it and told her to stop it. My 13 year old son was there and he didn’t need to hear her talk about wanting to die. I usually contain my composure but I can’t take it no more.
She has pretty much ran all family off and anyone else who has offered to help her. She has one living son who is mentally unstable and very mean, and she refuses to allow anyone be her POA (she freaks out if you talk to her about it) I just don’t know what to do anymore. She is my grandmother and I don’t want her to go to any nursing home yet I cannot afford to give up my career nor my sanity. I can’t catch a break. I can’t tell her I have vacation time ever because she thinks it’s her time for me to come and work for her. I am usually working anywhere from 50-60 hours a week as it is.
I am really beginning to think she is a narcissist too. Sorry, just venting and my heart is broken.
Has anyone here in a similar situation? If so, what did you do?
But also sounds like your tank is on empty... nothing to give. Understandable. Some self-care is needed too!
Both having survived Covid is a scary & massive thing! Be kind to yourselves ❤️❤️.
Regarding the dying talk;
It really depends on the person, their personality & the mood but when my Gran talked like that, I would hold her hand & nod. I would say "God will take you God is ready". Sometimes it's like people are asking permission. Sometimes it is depression, or can be exhaustion or maybe fear of the future. Ask her why she feels that way.
You don't need to solve all her problems. Sometimes a kind visit is enough.
I commend you for wanting to protect your son.
You work very hard and deserve time for yourself and your son.
I understand that she has issues in her life. I understand that you love your grandmother.
Your feelings are completely normal. Your grandmother’s behavior is draining all of your energy.
How old is she? What are her health issues?
She sounds very depressed. Would she be open to speaking to a professional therapist? What about taking medication for her depression?
Limit your time on the phone with her. It’s fine that you became frustrated. It’s normal.
When she says she wishes God would take her, you can tell her God will take her when he is ready for her. He must not be ready yet.
More recently, before his death in May, I heard the same from my brother. It wasn't a complaint. It was that he was ready, didn't wish to go on down the long slow slide with loss after loss, and finally the loss of all he is, his memory.
As a nurse I heard this over and over again.
I agree that this is not a discussion for young children, but it should be one for you now to consider. Your grandmother needs her opinions and feeling valued, not turned around with "you hurt my feelings". These are her honest feelings and wishes. At the least she needs to hear from you "I am so sorry you feel that way; I so wish I could change things for you; we just aren't given an exit button like on the subway".
As a nurse I heard all the things that my patients felt they could not say to their families. This was one of them. Your grandmother has chosen to say it. She is miserable in a way you cannot yet understand; there is no upside to aging.
Talk with her, allow her to say her own truth, tell her you are sorry she feels this; ask her if there is anything she can think of that may help that you can do for her or with her.
I am sorry. We tend to be as a species a "fix it crew". When we cannot fix it we get frustrated enough that we want to deny it is a fact. But your grandma's feelings? They are a fact.
You also are recovering. Allow yourself the time to stay home and do that. Grandmother will have to access the resources available to her while you heal. If her negativity is more than you can bear often to be around, then do not be around it often, and let her know gently why.
As far as taking her into your home I think you know, with the frustration you already feel, that this is not a good idea for you or for her.