My grandmother lives in a care home in California so our contact is through video call, we will sit on video chat for hours and she will continuously repeat "help me, help me out of this place." I've tried distractions that only work momentarily before she back into her verbal loop. I know anxiety and exhaustion make the verbal loop more intense, I'm lost for a way to help, any ideas?
What she is asking is "why can't i return to my life as i knew it...in my own home, with my friends, garden pets etc"??
Change is difficult for all humans...and more so as people get older.
Their habits, routines and possessions bring them a sense of certainty & security
You might consider being willing to really "hear" your grandmother...the distress, anxiety & fear she is experiencing.
Imagine if it was YOU who was taken from all the familiar people places & things in your life . That would suck to the max
. And put into an environment where you whole life was in the control of other people you didn't even know. When you eat, when you sleep, where you can go.
You might consider being willing to "hear" your grandmothers distress, anxiety and
fear firstly. And accept it as fact, and even your own feelings of guilt
Secondly you could gently explain to her, honestly, that she has been unwell for some time, and your family...or whoever it actually was...made the difficult decision to have her 'stay" (not live, stay..words are powerful tools..or weapons)in the center so she would be have her meals prepared, her cleaning down, and other people to speak with & spend time with each day. This is pointing out to her the benefits
I'd also suggest you explain to her about the lockdown and the no visiting for ALL seniors staying in care facilities at this time
Most important: Please give her "something to look forward to " that is true
eg. As soon as this lockdown is over, whenever that is, I (or whoever will visit her for SURE) Will be coming to visit you every...week, month, 2 months etc. Whatever is the truth.
In the meantime, perhaps you could tell her...I (or u and whoever) will make you a care package, and put in some of your favorite foods, a pack of cards (if she likes cards) whatever that she enjoyed in her life. Even if she can't play properly anymore, it will bring her comfort.
In dementia, as in many diseases the organ or system is damaged. However, the soul is always complete. By your tone of voice, your facial micro expressions, and your body language, the soul knows when you are being sincere...or not.. when you are being honest...or not
Please, stop underestimating her ability to understand because she has a problem with her brain.
The brain is the keyboard. The soul uses the keyboard for expression
Talk with your Grandmother the way you liked to be talked to.
With honesty & kindness.
She will hear you...and calm down
Happiness
Happiness is
Something to do
Someone to love
Something to look forward to
:)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilickabmjww&t=62s
I'd also have her Healthcare POA speak to the staff at the facility to see if she's overly anxious or crying out other than the times you see. If so, they can discuss medication for it with her doctor.
Don't listen to those guilt inducers who tell you to get her out of there.........they don't understand how dementia presents itself. If you are speaking to gma in the evenings, her 'verbal loop' could be worse at that time of day, so try speaking earlier in the day when she may be a bit more 'with it'. I generally speak with my mother (who has moderate dementia) at about 7 pm each evening and she's MUCH worse at that time of day than she is around lunchtime; sundowners sets in in the evening and her confusion level is dramatically worse as a result, so talking to her tends to be an exercise in frustration.
Wishing you the best of luck!
Hours is just not even reasonable unless you are a teenager.
Shorten your calls and see if she doesn't stop pleading for escape.
I'll keep an eye out for when my boyfriend tells me "i have to escape" when we are talking on the phone hahaha!!
Im sure its not the length of the calls...but dam you made my day.:))..
happy day
There's an english man & his son on Youtube who sing together in the car ..great videos...The father has severe dementia yet remembers ever word and note of the songs he sang professionally. And he sounds just like Frank Sinatra. He worth looking up. Put into the search bar. English man with dementia & son singing Frank Sinatra songs in the car". great stuff
Whenever I would take him, I would go through the same type of list I did with my kids as babies (Hunger, bodily functions, physical comfort, noise/light). Then, I would have to stop answering. Sometimes he would slow it down, other times not. There was no way to fix this. Same thing with a lady in my in-laws memory care. “Help me, help me” was the constant refrain. Even if she was sitting and eating (which she did on her own). There was nothing to help.
Dementia in its many forms forces us into behavior/choices that go against our instincts. We (if we are not sociopaths) WANT to fix things. We don’t want anyone to be left feeling helpless or scared. But, the disease and its accompanying brain “flickers” sometimes means we have to do the least bad thing rather than the ideal thing. Because there is no ideal in bizarro world.
If this is a norm now (and it is not an unusual one), and you are on the phone, have short conversations. Try to go back far in time for memories. It might pull her with you. If it doesn’t, it truly is ok to say, “well, I need to head to the grocery store now. I love you, grandma, talk to you soon” and sign off.
It may sound like I am telling you to hang up on your grandma and that feels wrong on so many levels, but she is taken care of. You can find peace in knowing that. She may move on from this rumination/habit place (in my experience, it is very much like a physical tic, but with words)... she may not. But, a couple of minutes of a loving voice is, no doubt, good for her heart, even if she is stuck on a loop for now.
For a man thats been a working man and/or a man about town, must be very upsetting to be immobile..i doubt such a man would ever fully accept that they weren't going to return to a full productive life. Then the Angels tap them on the shoulder, and off they go to another adventure in the heavens..their suffering forgotten.:)
Imstall cameras in her room and you might find out why she wants out
When my mom used to call my name interspersed with "turn me over", I would run through a list of questions trying to figure out what might be troubling her - bored? lonely? pain? hungry? thirsty?...... Even when (if) I identified a need she often reverted to calling again after a short while (it was somewhat amusing when staff at the nursing home took her literally 🙄).
The thing is that it can be extremely difficult to combat these vocalizations because though they might be the symptom of an unmet need it can be really difficult to figure out what that need is and it may be something that isn't fixable. Distraction and one on one interaction may help, but isn't likely available for anyone in a facility. Meds for anxiety may help, sometimes, but there are trade offs. You could ask for a care conference to brainstorm with staff, if you know that exhaustion are part of the equation for your grandmother then maybe ask the facility to put her down for a nap during the day and/or get her ready for bed earlier in the evening.
When she starts saying things like that, tell her she's safest there, getting the help she needs 24/7, and maybe that her dr. wants her there for her safety. Help her get off the phone as quickly as possible, lovingly. Try encouraging her to take a nap, watch a tv program, eat a treat, or get into an activity where she is, and tell her you'll call her again soon.
It's nice to have something like cards and letters from loved ones to read, so write and send her some pretty cards, letters to read in between your calls. Write big so it's easy for her to read.