Hi. I am new here, but have read a lot over the last few years. I am hoping to find some answers. I will do my best to keep this short. I didn't have a dad growing up, but my grandpa stepped up to fill that role and we have always been very close. In June 2018, my grandma died suddenly and my mom died 6 months later. Both very unexpected and were traumatic for my grandpa and I.
My grandpa has been suffering from dementia for about 5 years or so. He has been very abusive towards me since my grandma died. I found out recently that he is telling the rest of my relatives and anyone who will listen that I threatened to kill him with a gun, which is completely and totally untrue. He has hurt me in the past by making false accusations about me. He won't answer my phone calls or communicate with me and told his caregiver that he is mad at me, but is unsure specifically why then says that it's because I threatened him.
He did this one other time in January 2019 and actually had his lawyer call threaten me with a restraining order if I tried to contact him ever again. He wound up calling me a year later in January 2020 to try and make up which was really hard for me to get over as I had lost my mom and grandma and he completely abandoned me. Which brings this full circle.
I tried really hard to forgive him for damaging my reputation and excommunicating me for a year for something I didn't commit. Now that he's doing this again, I know I cannot take this anymore. If I think about it too much, I start to weep as I cannot believe my once tight knit family has fallen completely apart.
Some extended family members have reached out to me with concern and have advised me to just end our relationship at this point because its apparent that I am the target of his abuse. I simply cannot take this anymore and my spouse is tired of seeing me so torn up about it.
I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to keep trying to savage the relationship, but the majority of me is saying to just let it go for my own sake. I have told his caregiver to get him to a doctor immediately but she says he won't go. My uncle, his brother, said that he truly believes I threatened him. My uncle also said that he knows what damage my grandpa has done to me and urges me to just let the relationship go.
I don't know what to do. I cannot keep being abused and it kills me that he tells people I have done such a terrible thing that I never did. Part of me thinks he can't admit that he is wrong (his ego is massive) and is just using that lie to rationalize in his mind to be upset with me. Is there anything I can do at this point, but to cut ties?
I am confused and heartbroken over the entire thing. I don't even remember what it was like to have a parent/grandparent that loves me anymore. I feel like the wonderful memories I have with my grandpa from growing up through my 20s were all fake. I would just like some answers.
Sincerely,
James
Let it go and seek therapy for yourself to help you deal with these three devastating losses. ((((Hugs))))).
My aunt whom I grew up with is now 99 with mod/adv dementia and she accuses me of unbelievably horrible things when I'm with her. But I'm able to remember who she was B.D. (before dementia). I redirect the conversation and offer distractions because this is merciful for her as well as for me. Perhaps your grandpa needs medication to deal with his agitation. This would be merciful. Do you even have legal authority to help him? Are you his PoA? If not, and he doesn't have a medical diagnosis of dementia/impairment in his records and he doesn't cooperate with any medical management then there's nothing more you can do except to call APS when it gets bad enough for him.
Dementia is brutal. If you can't separate the disease from the man then you should take your best memories of life together and care about him from a distance. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart.
I so hope that the people who he tells these things to realize that Grandpa is not in his right mind. This is a paranoia. You are making this personal and its not. Again, its the desease. You may want to talk to someone who is versed in Dementia/Alz. Call office of aging and see if they can give you the name of someone.
You are his trigger. You will need to stay away. Maybe his desease will advance to the point you can visit but don't expect him to know you. I think my Mom thought I was her Mom.
Your FAMILY knows you didn't do what Gdad says you did/said. Let that comfort you. My mom is starting to have 'false memories' and will say things happened that didn't--and they are usually very hurtful and unkind. I can only take so much, I go home in tears b/c she remembers things in a completely fabricated way and often I am the 'bad guy'. No one believes her, so I have to accept that and go on.
Reading up on the disease and learning what it's actually doing to granddad's brain may be helpful. IDK. I agree with JoAnn, it's NOT personal.
Trying to talk through a 'problem' with a person whose brain is dying is like talking to a wall. It's pointless.
Bless you for caring so much.
What you need to understand is that a person with dementia has a brain made of Swiss cheese. There’s holes. Synapses don’t always fire. They see things. Hear things. Believe dreams to be real memories. There is no logic. No reasoning with them. They’ve gone into a place of make-believe.
Since your grandfather is prone to paranoia, he needs to hold the reins here. If he calls again in the future, wanting to make up, then you can decide if it’s worth it when you get there. For now, step back. It’s impossible to convince a paranoid person that they’re wrong.
Lastly, because you’re so torn up about it, I strongly recommend you speak to someone. Personally, I’d recommend a grief counselor, because really, you are grieving. You’re grieving a loss that can’t be returned. Your grandfather can never be made whole again, and you have to live with the ramifications of how things are.
Time to search for some closure and peace. Dementia and Alzheimer’s are one of the absolute worst things that can happen to a person, because it robs them of who they are. It’s so sad that at a time when they need the most help and comfort, their condition - one that he is helpless against - is pushing you away. Do not take it personally. He is not choosing to be this way. It is just the condition, and he is as helpless to fight it as you are.
Time to think of the good times, and take comfort that you had him when you needed him.
I would hope your relatives know where these "threats" came from, and what attorney in the world would not recognize they had a client that was not of healthy mind to start this kind of strategy...
Me personally if he called again I would wish him well, and ask him to call you sometime again soon, but for your sanity and your own legal protection, you may just have to draw back. Remember Grandpa before. I think I speak for many when I say that if he knew what he was doing/feeling/being, this wouldn't be happening. I urge you to seek professional guidance too. Life is just too full without it.