My husband is blind to what caring for his mother has done, and is doing, to our family. His mother has early onset dementia and, as an only child, he has made it is mission to provide for her. He wants to give her the best possible life and refuses to acknowledge that us in our 30's should not be responsible for this.
I have expressed while it is unfortunate but her care is going to bankrupt us both financially and emotionally. We have done therapy but it becomes a lot of the same talking points. He could not live with putting his mother who is in her 60's in MC. She would have to go on Medicaid but her cognitive ability is heavily impaired so MC is where she would end up.
I do not know how to convey what our family is going through. Our son is suffering the most. He went from having a full-time parents to parents who are walking a tight rope that of emotion. I do love my husband and I acknowledge he would not be the same person I force his hand via leaving him or telling him he has to choose.
Idk what to do though. I feel out of real options.
I'm sorry you and your husband are at odds about this issue.
Of course you have options. As some here have suggested, divorce might be the answer. You love and want to support your husband. Try and remind yourself that none of us wanted this caregiving role. It is always unexpected, and we learn to navigate our way forward.
It may help you to set clear rules as to your role in this caregiving scenario. You are not obligated to help provide care. Your husband needs to understand that this is his choice and his burden alone. Depending on your relationship with your MIL, you may want to be more involved. That is up to you to decide and set clear limits. It's hard to say what effect this all has on your son. You say he is suffering the most. Perhaps that is just your emotions projected on to him.
He could be suffering the lack of attention of his parents, or it could be a positive learning experience for him to see what caring for a disabled elder means. This is his grandmother. It could be very upsetting for him to see her in this way. Some children and grandchildren end up helping to care for a grandparent out of love, and end up making it a career later. We need more caring people like that who seek to care for others in need.
Have some deep conversations with your husband and son, where everyone can express their feelings and introduce ideas.
Show your husband what others on this forum have to say. We have all done it and have some good advice. But only you can find the way through this that works for you.
Sometimes the most loving, caring thing you can do for someone with dementia is to find a safe and happy place for them to live so you can carry on with the responsibilities of your family. The tie between you and your mother will remain strong as you visit her and advocate for her. Your tie between your loving wife and son will heal and grow stronger. Your mother will be relieved of the burden of knowing her care is causing strain in your marriage which, by all rights, should carry on long after she is gone from this world.
To you: My experience has been that when men talk about working as a team, it only applies when they are the captain.
I sincerely hope that you are able to find a way to stay together and your husband is able to see the necessity of changing his focus back to the person to whom he made vows. If not, you do have choices; they are painful, but better than the pain you’re feeling right now which is not of your own choice.
Your marriage needs to be different. Your husband's priorities need to be different, and also his plan for caring for his mother. If this is using up your financial resources, what's his plan for your future old age? She could live for a long time yet. The caregiving will get harder, and more resources will be needed.
Nothing changes if you don't change. Exactly what that should be I don't know, but from what you wrote you are nearing the end of your tether, which is not surprising. Consider the suggestions here and your options. I have to say I think this is very unfair to your son. He deserves better as do you. No one is saying it will be easy but things staying the same is worse.
With people living longer and more getting diagnosed with long progressive diseases which have no cure and many parents not saving or expecting to live so long care becomes child’s responsibility.
According to some articles millions (if I am correct 6 mil) mostly women age 30-50 are becoming unpaid caregivers. And this number is growing exponentially.
They will have to forgo careers, promotions, or at least jobs that would keep couples in better financial shape. But there is more than money. It is devastating to forgo life in general, maybe children, maybe ambition of having this great career as doctor, lawyer, scientist.
And as some may choose to be caregivers for whatever reason we need to acknowledge many would not want to or are simply not capable of being caregivers. They trained or took degrees to become what they choose to be.
As much as some say how rewarding caregiving is it is also mentally and physically exhausting.
And leaves little time or energy for other pursuits.
I never said I wanted my sons to have to do any of the hard parts of caretaking for me. But, I would want their love and attention during our final years together. If you think I am selfish, you clearly do not know me.
so back off. So many people on here are so negative. What a shame. I really don’t think this posting of opinions, benefits from so many negative attitudes. I realize without a doubt how hard round the clock caretaking is, and the costs. I just think families should help and love each other.
If you don’t agree with me, that is your problem.
I also myself will never let my kids do for me. I'm 61, husband is 72 retired, I don't work because he likes me home, not at my mother's everyday. Would it be fair to either of us if I ruined every minute of are retirement for mom, years we will never ever get back.
People are living longer and longer, with worsening health. The old saying, they have one foot in the grave,means so much different than it use to when I was a kid.
People live well past 90 now. I'm on year 4 of doing for mom. Some people care give an aging parents for 15 YEARS. This is why people are saying what they are saying
Horrible things happen in life that we feel we have no control over.
Your son needs to learn how to ask for and get help and support. In a way that makes him strong not overly dependent.
He also needs his father in his life. But you aren’t in control of that.
He will look to the same sex parent for role modeling. Let him see other men who can encourage him if dad isn’t up for the job at this point. Teachers. Sports. Music. Trips to the book store. A dog. Church if that is a support for you. Lean in. Help him to find an extended family in the community. If he has cousins on your side that would be great. Even if he only got to see them a few times a year. They can be a thread through his life that is important for him. Help him find programs that keep him in a positive mind set while his father comes to grips with his fears for the grandmother. If he is unhappy at home he will look for friends outside the home and it can be a cold and even dangerous place for a child with no solid foundation, whose parents are focused elsewhere.
Her condition will change as the disease progresses but a childhood you can influence is for a brief span. You must love your husband or you wouldn’t be looking for answers. You would be gone. And gone might be the answer at some point but for today, get your son into therapy.
He has a very sick GM, a struggling dad and an awesome mom. Help your son focus on what’s right in his world.
You can’t take care of everything overnight but you can get your priorities straight. Do a puzzle with your son. Look him in the eyes. Spend at least 30 min. a day with just him in a meaningful way. Listen to a book on tape when taking him to school. Read a chapter book to him at night. Check out the Life of Pi depending on his age. Breath. The answers will come. Big hugs.
I will reiterate that it is not anyone else's responsibility except your mother-in-law's to take financial responsibility for her care. Her son may step in to help sort it out if she is incapable. Your family is not at all responsible for paying for her care. I did not read specifically whether or not she is living in your home, but there are resources to help financially (and otherwise), whether in-home or in long-term/memory care.
I have never expected my husband to help me with my mother. There was no question as to whether I was going to bring her into our home (it's not big enough and she would drive me nuts), nor would I ever ask him to take any kind of financial responsibility for her. The money that we have saved is for OUR retirement. He is moral support only (and sometimes sounding board and bartender).
I am an only child, so it's all on my shoulders, so from that respect I can appreciate your husband wanting to take care of his mother. I wanted to care for my mother in a way that allowed me to get on with my life. I do occasionally pay for extras and fun things for her, sure. My mom is on Medicaid in long-term care and is nearing the end of her life now. Two years ago, she fell and badly broke her wrist. She's been in LTC since then and doesn't get out of bed, so she needs help with everything. There is no way I could take care of her and work, even if I did have an in-home third-party caregiver. (And keep my sanity!)
My most stressful time during all of it was applying for Medicare and waiting and wondering. It was nerve-wracking but once it went through, it was like a huge weight had been lifted. This happened during COVID-19, and I was working from home, thank goodness! But, had I been going to the office every day, husband's role would have been to make sure I had a martini waiting for me when I got home, lol.
I wish you the best of outcomes for this difficult situation.
One night when my friend was on duty (and who had to work the next day) she was helping her MIL with toileting and next thing she knew, MIL reached down and grabbed her poo coming out and smeared it all over my friend’s face and then laughed at her.
Of course my friend knew it was the dementia but then she had to wake her husband up so he could clean up his mother (poo was everywhere at this point) and my friend could clean herself up.
That is when they realized they were playing checkers and dementia was playing chess. That is when they knew it was beyond them. They placed her soon after
Your post doesn’t say whether or not you are working yourself. “Her care is going to bankrupt us both financially” suggests that you have at least some separate finances. If you are a rare ‘stay at home wife’ in your 30s, you might thing about getting a job. If you work, make sure your income goes into a separate account. Our ex-neighbor stripped their joint bank account (including H’s Christmas pay) the day she walked out to go to live with her mother. If he is angry and self-righteous, he could do that to you. “Now she’s got no choice, ha ha”.
And yes, drop down any care you provide yourself. If he’s out at M’s, take yourself and your son out to do something nice that he would also have wanted to do. Don’t hang around being miserable.
A bit more about the finances -- are you both employed, or just one of you? Has he given up working to take care of his mother, or is he going to work and leaving the care to you, or is he spending excessively on his mother out of your family budget?
I'm very sorry you're in this situation, especially so young when you should have a thriving family life. The responses you've gotten already have some great advice, but with more details we can give more tailored advice -- and sympathy.
If I ever get dementia down the road, I sure hope my sons have wives that are much more loving and supportive, than the people that have been posting here today.
Frankly, I find you incredibly selfish for expecting it from your currently invisible daughters in law.
different strokes for different folks and all of that. I can judge you too you know. 🤨
I also find it BIZARRE that you encourage the bankruptcy of a woman and her children by her husband, which is financial abuse.
I suffered a family breakup decades ago when my parents had divorced. I know we had to go into foster care, but it was far better than our sick, selfish mother and selfish father could provide. We now live in different states forever, but we six kids are much better off without having stayed in one house.
And you know who he would choose if given an ultimatum.
Move with your son into an apartment until husband moves her from your home. He will protest but remind him this must be what he wants, right?
please see a divorce attorney at least to talk this all out with a professional
At that point, the family must decide together what's best for the family. Not to automatically sacrifice the wellbeing of the entire family for the sake of the one who's ill. That makes no sense and turns your husband into a dictator, not a team player. The wellbeing of your son is most important, as you both took on that responsibility when you chose to have him.
I worked at a Memory Care Assisted Living facility where we had 2 women in their late 50s or early 60s with advanced dementia. I'm sure their husbands weren't thrilled to place them, but it was a necessity. They came to visit frequently and the women were well adjusted to daily routines and life in care.
Dementia is a lose-lose situation for ALL concerned. You lose, your son loses, your husband loses, and mostly, your MIL loses. With such a situation, you choose the lesser of the bad choices because they're ALL bad choices. If she stays with you, 3 people lose....you, your son and your husband since you'll likely get divorced. If she goes into managed care, she loses only, at least in hubbys mind. Which is not necessarily the case, but how HE views it. Once dementia of this caliber sets in, age is irrelevant. They're all 12 years old again, regressed in time back to when they were young girls. They can be 60 or 99, it doesn't matter.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
That said, some things to bring up with your husband, if you haven't already. These MAY help you break him out of his denial. They may not. But you could try.
- You don't say how the care "the family" is providing is divided. If you are the one managing most of this, and your husband still has more leisure time than you, then he may not "see" the burden because he's outsourced it onto you. Have you brought him a specific breakdown of the burden for a typical week on him vs. you? Pointing out specifically how this is unfair might help, or might not (maybe he feels he is entitled to sign you up for an unpaid second job?) But you CAN say "no" to that division of labor.
- As others suggest, arrange a "vacation" (at home or away) where you do not do anything related to your MIL's care. Focus on your son and make your husband bear the full burden of his decision for awhile. It may give him a better perspective. And at the end of this vacation, consider making this permanent: "I need to focus on my mental/physical/financial health and on supporting our son. That is a full time job. If you choose to care for your mother like this, that is going to be your job, not mine." Then listen to his response and move forward accordingly.
- Re: finances, protect what you can. You don't want to be financially stuck in this situation. If you work, you don't need his permission to switch your direct deposit to a new account that is only in your name. Tell him you want to do this, and be honest that it's because you feel financially unsafe giving him control of your money. Let him manage only his own money plus the care for his mother and see how quickly home care drains his account. Again, it may change his perspective. (Also, it may make him realize that if he doesn't have access to your money, he'll be forced to put his MIL in MC anyway - really, it sounds like there's no situation that ends the way he wants it to, unless he wins the lottery.)
- Only you can say how discussions have gone in the past and how your husband manages money, but consider making him sit down and go over the numbers, especially if he is not the one regularly managing your finances. So, rather than more vague discussion of "this will bankrupt us", instead saying, "we're spending $X/month more than we are making. In Y months, we will be unable to pay for everything. What is your plan when we cannot pay for rent/mortgage/groceries? What is your plan if one of us or our son needs care, of if we have an emergency expense?" His answer may reveal to you that he is a "magical thinker" who thinks "everything will work out". If so, then you know he really cannot be trusted to deal with this rationally, ever, and that he is willing to bankrupt you all. (And if his answer is to borrow money via a credit card or loan with your name on it, consider how that may affect YOUR credit and debt load, even if you eventually divorce.)
- if you think it would be useful, try asking your husband what he would do if your situations were reversed: what if it was your parent who needed care and you were demanding he care for them in the same way? Would that be fair?
Remember: this is not about how much you love your husband or your MIL. Love is not permission to let someone hurt you. If your husband will not keep you and your son safe, then you have to do it yourself.
That didn't work.
Your husband has made his decision and will bankrupt you both.
It's time to secretly/quietly see a divorce attorney and get the finances locked down so that your husband cannot take them all.
It's time to divorce or get legal separation to get your OWN FINANCES secured.
AFTER THAT make it clear (when the papers arrive) why you did it (which of course is to secure your own future).
Make it clear that you had no choice because all remedies have been tried.
Make it clear that your husband has made his choice to bankrupt himself on care of a woman who just may have about four decades left to live, and you simply cannot go that route.
Make it clear that you care for hubby and will attempt to emotionally support him but cannot be bankrupted by him.
I wish there was another choice, a better choice, but I just can't think of one; I would bow to anyone with a better solution for you. It takes a lifetime to save for our care in the future. I am 82 and know this. I wish you the best of luck and hope you'll update us.
Consider taking your son for a short trip during the holidays. He deserves a break and it might help your husband see things with more clarity if mom is completely his to care for, at least for a few days. I wish you all peace
If you aren't willing to consider the most severe options - which I also understand, then you will have to ensure that you and your son are protected.
If you have talked to your DH and he is unwilling to budge, about the only recourse you still have is to ensure that you (and your son if that applies) do not lift a finger to help him take care of her. And I mean a single finger. Don't be available to give him respite, don't be available to help her to the bathroom or make her meals or anything at all.
If HE is choosing to care for her against what is best for his family and you aren't willing to leave (which again I totally get), then the only other option is to remove yourself as his backup, as his helper. Focus all of your energy on your son. Give him that one full time parent who is focused on him, your home and your family.
Your DH has put you between a rock and a hard place, with zero input into how he handles a situation that doesn't just impact him. You don't need his permission to stop being involved at all. You don't have to help him take care of her.
I know this is hard. It honestly sucks. I was very lucky in that the instant I told my DH I was done helping his father, he agreed and we were prepared to back off right before it became an immediate need to place him. But not everyone has that luxury and I recognize that.
I also knew that in giving him an ultimatum that I would no longer help, I was taking a risk. I took a number of them when trying to figure out FIL's care. They were calculated but still a risk. You never know how someone is going to react when backed into a corner.
But you are backed into a corner right now too. And your responsibility is to your DH and your son. And if your DH is putting your son in this spot over his mother, then your options are limited. Because it is your responsibility to protect your son.
Your Dh may not realize just how badly this is impacting his family. Or just how much you are involved in helping. You can and should take back your own autonomy and focus on your son. Maybe even the simple act of removing your assistance will be enough to open your DH's eyes, who knows.
Again, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It's an awful spot to be in.