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I am the only caregiver for my husband. He sundowns every evening. Some mornings he wakes up with a persistent delusion. He gets terribly anxious and scared if he can't see me. He moves and walks so slowly I feeI like im living life in slow motion. I desperately need some "me time". I tried to leave him here at home with a companion. That escalated his confusion and he felt like he was a prisoner in his own home. That triggered wandering to get free. All our family is distantly far and can't help. Any suggestions?

Is he on any meds for anxiety/depression? If not, now is the time to get this in place.

"Anxious and scared if he can't see me" is called Shadowing and is a common behavior with dementia.

If you can afford an in-home companion, can you afford an Adult Day Care where he goes in the mornings and comes home later in the day? I totally understand your desperation for alone time and self-care so that you don't burn out...

Have you tried starting slowly and telling him the companion aid if for you, not him? Maybe see if you can get a guy? It is possible for him to acclimate to a person, it will just take time. Maybe at first don't leave the house but have the aid engage him in an activity while you have alone time in your home, then eventually he may accept you leaving the premises -- but really do get him on meds if he isn't on any. Call his primary doc about this. It may take a few weeks for med to fully kick in.

My friend's wife with ALZ was paranoid and shadowing, and totally rejected a companion for a while but then eventually got comfortable. The aid had an RN background, so IMO it's important you don't get a newbie who knows nothing about dementia. This is always a disaster. I wish you much success in finding a solution!
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Reply to Geaton777
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Piggybacking on the comment above...You'll need a consistent caregiver ( same one every time). Perhaps, if you haven't tried yet, have the person come while you're home, and work your way to having alone time at home first ( ie. you're outside while he is inside, or in another room) and work towards getting some freedom to leave the house. Easier said than done, I know.
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Reply to TXmomof3
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I highly recommend sending your husband to your local Adult Daycare Center, where you can have him there up to 5 days a week and 8 hours a day.
They will serve him breakfast, lunch and a snack and have different activities to keep him busy and may have(like most)a spa day where they will give him a shower and even trim his hair and beard if needed.
They do such a wonderful job with the folks that attend. Of course there is a charge, but if money is an issue they do offer financial help, as does the VA if your husband is a veteran.
Even if you can bring him there 2-3 days a week for 8 hours/day, just think of what you could all get done in that time, plus it would keep your husband busy.
It would be a win win for you both.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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mrsand4, when you get a chance please fill out your Profile page as that will give us more information, such as your hubby's age, etc. Are the caregivers male or female?


If you haven't tried to find a male caregiver, see if you can find one, someone who has the same interest as your hubby, such as golf, NASCAR, football, soccer, gardening or great literature? Someone who has a common interest might spark your hubby to be more accepting to having a caregiver or companion.
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Reply to freqflyer
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If your husband cannot allow you to get some help in to care for him I think it must be coming clear to you that this isn't sustainable, and it isn't. You will need to begin to come to some tough conclusions about how long you can give care in your home. I would start with a consult with a good elder law attorney to look into care costs, assets, division of finances in needed to protect your OWN finances for your own future. But the time is looming when you will not be able to do this without grave injuries or health concerns for yourself. And if anything happens to YOU, then what does that mean for HIM.

I am so very sorry. This is such tough stuff and I wish you so much luck.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I tried getting a guy instead of a woman. In fact we tried 2. I stayed in the house working in another room and he wouldn't go into any other room of the house. The meds he's on now help a lot with the sundowning if I give them to him before it starts.
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Reply to mrsand4
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