He does just fine in casual engagements with friends and neighbors, but treats me like the enemy. Has no regard for the care I give. The constant enmity breaks my heart. This really started last Nov. but now things have gone down rapidly. I need help getting him a diagnosis so he can begin to accept help he needs. Right now he rejects everything, as he has more trouble dealing with basic problem solving, among other things.
Personally, I would tell him that you will be there, as long as he doesn't abuse you in any way, including but, not limited to, verbally, emotionally, psychologically or physically.
He, obviously, knows how to be civil or he would be a jerk with others.
Being scared, confused or whatever isn't a free pass to abuse you. That's what he's doing and you need to tell him to knock it off or he can live in a facility with others taking care of him.
Maybe that sounds mean or harsh but, statistics show 40% of caregivers die before those they are caring for, putting up with this crap is a lot of stress and that is a killer. You matter as much as he does, take care of you and put those boundaries in place and enforce them.
But he did listen when I read him the riot act, backed him down, and told him I was not the enemy!
Then, I let go of a lot of things, as he isolated himself from me more and more.
It is disturbing to watch him not even understand something simple or be able to work it out. As he tries to work it out, I will walk away, realizing this is something so unimportant that he does right, or even does at all! His dignity is more important. I still want to be his wife. I will care give in ways that I am able. But I refuse to be his task master. Some things just cannot be fixed.
• Being the enemy does pass, but the condition worsens
• Dignity is important
I want my husband to focus on the beautiful parts of life daily. I hope to remove things from his life that cause stress.
This puts a lot of stress on me, and I fail quite often. This forum is helpful.
Thank you for your post
Ginny
I'm sorry you're dealing with such a difficult situation and I hope your husband allows an exam with his PCP to take place as a starting point. My heart goes out to you for all this suffering you're experiencing.
God bless you,
Ginny
Now, we no longer eat dinner together! I bought him a TV tray (I didn't know they still made them til I went looking). So, now we are dining in peace..............and that's better than candlelight and music: a new kind of ambiance.
I was really uncomfortable and felt trapped when I was trying to dine and being verbally attacked: I realized we needed the physical separation to keep the calm. Finding solutions is worth the effort if you're going to remain in the same home.
"Protect your peace."
I really appreciate your input. As things have taken a turn for the worse, I do tend to empathize for him; as difficult as it is for me, I imagine his fear must be very hard to live with.
I don't put it past him to do some permanent damage to me in the midst of his suffering, however. I am picking up the pieces of our business that he was part of until recently. Again, he might just pull some kind of devastating trick, but I need to focus on the next right thing.
I am hopeful that medical professionals will confirm that what is going on is not his fault, and then, I hope he will allow me to help him turn his attention to what can be done, not what can't.
I value your input,
Ginny
I think it might (possibly) be worth trying the ‘please and thankyou’ line. It’s less complex than dealing with the total behavior. If he wants something, he gets it if he says please. It gets removed if he doesn’t say thankyou. My marriage works along the ‘please and thankyou’ line anyway, so nothing ever gets removed! And simple courtesy might change the vibes. How about that for an ‘old-fashioned mummy’ type idea?
This forum is very helpful, as so many people seem to be dealing with very similar issues.
Thank you and God bless you and your husband.
Ginny
Yes, these types of things are very stressful. And we often fail. But we pick ourselves up and try to do better. Time and time again. It's not easy, no doubt about it.
Getting support is soooo helpful. I am very thankful for this forum.
If hubby is nice when people are around, maybe have more company! More work for you but might be worth it too.
Best of luck.
Call his physician and share these symptoms and needs for the physician guidance on appointments, caregiving etc. If you really do not think you can get him into the doctor ! Sometimes there may be safety issues with this) then ask his physician about a
" Housecall Physician" service where someone will come to the home. These are available most areas now.
If your husband becomes too violent or uncontrollable or seems heading in an unsafe direction for you or himself do not hesitate to call 911 immediately.....let the pros handle it and document.....
Your husband may also be fearful of what he is noticing in himself and this fear , grief is coming out as anger toward you.
There are many dynamics that could be happening and, YOU need help..... Call his physician and go from there or if husband is too adverse or beligerant call 911 and have them transport him to ER .
You both need help . Also speak with your clergy if you practice a faith for their support.
Peace.
Tomorrow morning if you wake up,
And the sun does not appear
I, I will be here
If in the dark we lose sight of love,
Hold my hand, and have no fear
Cause I, I will be here
I will be here when you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind,
I will listen and
I will be here when the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winning, losing and tryin'
We'll be together 'cause I will be here
Tomorrow morning if you wake up,
And the future is unclear
I I will be here
As sure as seasons are made for change,
Our lifetime's are made for years
So, I I will be here
I will be here and you can cry on my shoulder,
When the mirror tells us we're older,
I will hold you and
I will be here to watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here
I will be true to the promise I have made 💔
To you and to the One who gave you to me
I I will be here
And just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetime's are made for years
So, I I will be here we'll be together
I will be here.
Steven Curtis Chapman
"I will be here"