Worried for her safety - his condition is not being taken seriously and his family thwarts her efforts . She is out of state . How can i help protect her? She has been abused for years and seems still to care only about him not herself. I have called elder abuse, ( domestic abuse wont help due to age??) VA has been slow to help & dementia patient is running the show non cooperative and delusional & hostile. How can i protect them both? He calls his family all day long and they weaponize him ( his paranoid delusional state ) against my mom . Police don’t do anything unless she presses charges but she empathizes with his ‘disease’ . He needs medication to help him calm down & not carry out his violent threats against my mom - his family adds to his delusions and she’s in a lose lose situation. Blamed if she walks away blamed if she stays . Any ideas? I am beyond stressed . Thx
Your mother has refused your help.
The best you can do now is to tell mother that you are a phone call away. That she can leave whenever she wishes. Do not make announcement of any leavetaking, but go and help your mother to removed one half of their assets the best she can into a private account in her name only. Then to leave, reporting to his family that he is alone and in need of care, and to APS that he is a senior at risk in need of emergency intervention.
Once you let your mother know this, it is done. Let it go. There is nothing you can do. And you need to tell your mother that she needs to stop telling you all about her burdens if she doesn't wish to do something about them. That you can do nothing for her and it is frustrating you.
You WILL, of course, given her age (I am 82 and so I know) be getting "the call". The call will come from a medical team as my own "Hi, you know we have your brother here in Desert Regional Hospital, don't you"....
Or it will come from the coroner saying "Your mother's inlaws have called to inform us that.............."
We aren't gods, we aren't Saints, we aren't fairies with wands, and we can't work miracles. Make yourself available to your mom when she calls to tell you she is ready to make changes. Until then she has made her choice as a free adult.
Good luck. I recognize that this is beyond frustrating and terrifying. But it's also without any good answers. Not everything can be fixed.
How about calling the County Area Agency of Aging where your Mom lives . They can send a social worker out to the home to possibly help Mom navigate this and get her husband some calming meds.
IMO your mom should not be his caregiver any longer , but mom being a long time abuse victim may not even listen to the social worker about placement .
At some point one of them may get hurt or fall. I hope it’s not your mother .
Have you tried pointing out to your mom that her own physical health is at risk and that if she had to go into the hospital, there will be no one to care for him?
Ask her what is the plan if she sprains her ankle, or takes a bad fall, or gets sick and can’t get out of bed? Who is going to take care of her, and who is going to take care of him while she recovers?
And what if she dies first?