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Mom is currently living at my sister's because she has physically hurt me when she's angry. She's a handful. I'm guilt ridden that my sister has to bare the burden. Mom has a caregiver during the day seven days a week until the money runs out and then Medicaid will cover 40 hours a week. Mom doesn't sit and constantly tries to walk and falls. You turn your back for a second and she's up. Her feet just don't want to work and she's angry all the time. She doesn't sleep much at night and gets out of bed, therefore my sister is on alert. No facility will take her due to her behavior and being a fall risk. Caregivers have no rights. I live 45 minutes away and relieve my sister when she's off work 3 days a week for a couple hours, but I feel so guilty that my sister is not getting rest. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

She wasn't kicked out for being a fall risk, it's that she's violent. Is she on meds for this? If not, why not? You and sister need to work with your Mom's neurologist to find the right medication so she can get proper care and your sister can be relieved.
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Geezlouise1 Jun 18, 2024
She has medication for her anger. Once she takes it she still won't stay down and falls because her feet won't work. We tried to find a place here in Oregon when mom still had money to pay for care for a few months at which time Medicaid would take over once her fund's were down to $2,000.00, but as I said no body would take her, claiming she was to much of a fall risk. One place said they could handle her anger, but not willing to take the responsibility of her falls. A person can't be restrained what so ever in Oregon. The caregiver has no rights to be able to keep them safe in such a matter. It makes no sense. Thank you for trying to help.
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Get your mom properly medicated for her violent tendencies and get her placed in another memory care facility ASAP.
Like Geaton said below, she was NOT kicked out of her previous memory care because of her falling, but because she is violent. Pretty much everyone with dementia fall a lot, but not all are violent.
Her doctor should be able to help you find the right medications to help her and then get a social worker to help you find the right memory care for her.
Your moms care is now WAY too much for your sister or anyone else, but trained professionals.
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Geezlouise1 Jun 18, 2024
You're correct. Thank you
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I agree with Geaton - fall risk IS the business of residential facilities like memory care and skilled nursing facilities. They don't typically kick people out for that - when that is one of the primary reasons they are admitting people - increased falls at home leading to it being unsafe for them to stay in their homes.

My FIL fell MULTIPLE times in the 8 months he was in SNF. Each time they pivoted and adjusted their plan for him to make things safer - but people are going to fall - you can't prevent it entirely.

The more likely scenario is exactly what you described happened to you - you say she physically HURT you when she was angry. THAT can and will get someone removed from residential care if it is not remediated - because THAT risk is a danger to other residents and staff alike. She needs to be assessed and potentially medicated for her potential for violent outbursts and rage. And if that is under control - it is likely that another facility would consider admitting her.
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Geezlouise1 Jun 18, 2024
She has medication for her rage, but it doesn't always stop her from acting out. They had us paying an additional $3,700.00 a month for one on one care at the facility she was in for eight hours a day. She was also mean to the staff. She's been a force to be reckoned with our whole life. It's just worse now. Thank you for answering.
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Let us assume for a moment that mom was childless.
What do you think would have happened in that case?

Mom would be in care. She would be medicated. She would in all likelihood have falls. Often for our ill elders falls are the beginning of the end. The end would come.

No child can be forced to care for a parent.
I am sorry that your sister took on this care. I am happy that you refused to do so, for whatever reasons.

Were I your sister I would take mother to the ER and leave her there as a "social admit". I would resign any POA/guardianship I may have through an attorney (which must be done because mom isn't competent to receive any resignation nor appoint another to her care). I would request state guardianship and say I am no longer physically, mentally nor emotionally able to care for someone who is total care 24/7. If I had to get psychologists letters to prove that I would get them and have them with me.

These are the hard, cold, simple facts as they would stand for me.
I honestly have no answers otherwise.
I cannot imagine being a slave/a prisoner to giving care in this manner. I do not see how it is survived.

Your mother should be medicated now, and placed in a safety bed such as they exist. Some have a simple netting around the frame that prevents leaving the bed until it is unzipped. As an RN that's my personal opinion. The quality of such a life is abysmal. It is basically being an animal trapped in a cage.
Other option?
Perhaps better is the simply allowing your mother to have her way, which will lead to falls, and falls are, as pneumonia was once (before antibiotics), the "old person's friend" as they used to say of things that took people to the peace of death.

I honestly have no good answers for you. As you and Sis have learned so well, not everything has an answer.
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Geezlouise1 Jun 18, 2024
Thank you for your honest suggestion. My mother was originally going between my home and my sister's until she attacked me. My sister went into protect mode afraid that mom would hurt me and to be honest mom was to much for me. My husband has leukemia and I was trying to keep him from stressing with my mom's overwhelming personality. My sister said she would turn mom over to the state once she didn't know us. Mom hallucinates, has delusions and at one point hospice came because she stopped eating and drinking and was to weak to move for five days. We thought she was going to pass away, but on the sixth day when her medication was to be given to keep her comfortable , she sat up all on her own. She walked! Guess God wasn't going to take her yet. We surrounded her with so much love she fought to live. I drive to my sister's three or four days a week to be with mom a few hours and give my sister a break when she gets home from work. I've stayed the night a few times, but my sister deals with our mean mom every night. It feels like a loose loose situation and she'll probably outlive my sister and I that are no spring chicken's. Mom is 90. Thank you for listening.
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I agree with Geaton. If a MC facility bounced every client who fell a lot, they wouldn't have anybody using their services.

People get old and very often, they fall. They'll fall if they're home or in a NH. I think that the fact she's 'difficult' is what got her sent 'home'.

I'd re-place her and make sure she has meds to regulate her moods. Once my MIL became violent, the in home cared stopped almost immediately.

Good Luck if this is the way you choose to go.
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Well, my mother fell 50x while living in Memory Care Assisted Living for less than 3 years and she wasn't kicked out! They'd just send the big guys in to pick her up and that was that.

Find another Memory Care Assisted Living residence for mom and some relaxation meds to calm her down a bit.
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AlvaDeer Jun 18, 2024
True this. It was my experience that falls were the NORM in both rehab and ALF where my bro was. Had the whole protocol in place, of a bumped head equals further care, watching, likely a check in at the ER and back home again. In the rehab where my bro was a man feel many times a day and due to the new no restraining devices laws he was put in my brother's room so my brother could report when he was on the floor basically. Had rubber matting around his bed. So we could have poor placement choices done here, perhaps. Such good point Lea.
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Because Mom is medicated does not mean its the right medication. Her doctor needs to know she still has outbursts.
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Thank you all for giving valid answers and understanding the difficulties and frustrations. I appreciate all the comments and help. I'm grateful.
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