My 80 yo Mom has no Dx-she refuses to see Dr. & is living alone, 1000m from me (only child). She comes & stays with me 1-2x/yr for extended periods, & has her own bdrm here (we own this home together). We talk frequently on phone, & I'd say had a good relationship...
She is negative by nature & has been paranoid for years, But then she started accusing me of strange things, like putting spy cameras in her bedroom fan etc & accusations have just escalated. She says I'm trying to commit her so I can steal her $.
Anything I say to her about anything, she twists it around, somehow makes it about her- that I'm trying to blame her or badmouth her etc, even when I wasn't talking about anything to do with her etc.
A couple that lives across from her, help her out occasionally & she attends knitting at their home. I learned she basically gave away her minivan to a virtual stranger bc these neighbors suggested it. And other items.
I learned she went by ambulance to ER, but she couldn't recall when or why/Dx etc, she said her neighbors helped her. I called neighbors but got no info from them.
Recently, I (&12yo son) went to visit her- plan was to help her out around her house, sightseeing together, & then she was traveling back home with us to visit her oncologist (5yrs post breast cancer).
When we arrived, I was alarmed by how malnourished & shaky she seemed.
All of her pantry & fresh/fridge food was very outdated & spoiled, I wonder if maybe she has a nutrient deficiency.
With her permission, I started cleaning her food out, & organizing her cookware etc. She was right there.
Later, after doing kitchen &other things she asked, she accused me of doing things w/o permission.
She insisted a man & woman were helping me. I told her no one had been there but us, she became increasingly agitated. She said I wanted neighbors to hear, but she'd already warned them about me!
Then I saw her favoring one leg, I asked about it. She said it was from when I shot her! I was like WHAT!?!?
She said I shot her with a taser! (she later said it was in 2017, & I only held her down so my son could shoot her! He was 10 then!!)
I went to speak with neighbors, concerned about her. They asked why did I come? (To my Mom's) & point blank they told me to leave, that my Mom didn't want me there, or need me!
They told me that: They took care of her & watched out for her. She was scared of me! (I started crying then & the man told me I was bipolar!) Also, that she hated my dogs, & didn't like noisy teens! (My son is Very quiet & I know she LOVES him!!)
I said she wanted us to come, that she was driving back with us, after we visited coast. They told me: NO, that wasn't true!! & she didn't want to go to the coast.
Then they told me to sell my home bc my Mom needs her money!! I said eventually we were selling & would probably move in together & They said: No, that she likes where she lives. I need to leave & not come back bc my Mom doesn't need me, that I trigger her! She doesn't want me to call or text her anymore, that she's afraid of me or she'd tell me.
*My Mom denied she said any of that to them. She says I made it all up bc I don't want her to have friends!
But why would they make it up?
I told her she doesn't need to be afraid of me, I'd never hurt her, I only want to help, & if she feels this way, she should just tell me, it's ok. She still denied.
I said it was ok, I'd leave, then she cried, said we hadn't gone to coast, & I hadn't finished her kitchen!
She cried & begged me to stay... I left.
I know she's sad. I am too.
Because they mentioned $$, I can't help but wonder- Are the neighbors trying to alienate my Mom from us?
Am I overreacting about that?
Did my Mom tell them all that because she's so paranoid, about me etc & now my son too.
I don't know what to do...
Is there anything I CAN do?
Has anyone else experienced this?
Thank you
1. Get Mum to the doctors (however you can - a therapeutic lie if needed). Vit B12 deficiency can cause dementia-like symptoms apparently but sounds like she needs a good checkup. LOTS of worrying symptoms delusions, paranoia, self-neglect (bad food) all warrent medical advice pronto.
2. Do not tell those neighbours ANYTHING more. It does happen that people take advantage - elder with long distance only child - they could be eyeing off Mum's house. Mention this to the Doctor too. I am really suspecting elder financial abuse here. If so, notify Police asap.
I hope neither are as I suspect.
It sounds like your mother is suffering from dementia, her neighbors know it, and they're doing everything in their power to take advantage of her. If they successfully alienate YOU from her, they can resume cleaning her out of everything she owns and nobody will be the wiser.
Wake up!
Get your mother to the doctor right away and then OUT of that unsafe environment she's living in. That's my take on things.
Also make sure you have medical & financial POA.
One question: can you distill this situation down into 1 goal? For example, if you can't do/control anything else, will you be satisfied if she is in a safe place getting reliable care? If so this would point towards getting APS/social services involved and they eventually take guardianship over her. Your mom is a dumpster fire of resistance, so thinking she will willingly go to doctors, sign PoAs, leave with you seems unlikely based on the info you posted. So, if the best you can do for her is to make sure she doesn't get abused, injured, starved or die a lonely death, then call APS and get her on their radar.
Also, I would not trust the neighbors. They are either taking advantage of her or they're off their rockers themselves. Don't engage them. If you do have the opportunity to visit your mom again (without your son present) I would remove anything that has sentimental or monetary value since you've said the neighbors have a key. What a messy situation and I'm so sorry that you have to deal with it. Bless you for trying but you can only do so much when your LO isn't willing/able to participate in their own best life. May you have peace in your heart about that reality.
Thanks so much for this!
While it's not truly funny per se, at the same time it made me smile!
I agree, my gut feeling is that I should not trust them, something is off, and even if they are trying to be protective only- they're not going about it in the right way.
I can't get over the fact that they would rather tear apart and destroy our family connection, someone that truly cares about another person would want them to be happy and that includes having what they know was a previous good relationship, restored, especially between elderly mom and daughter, they would want to encourage and sustain that relationship, help it ¬ demand it ends.
Thank you for your well wishes
She needs to be seen by a doctor to determine physical and mental health.
If not the only resort you might have at this point (I think any lawyer will say she is not decisional) is to obtain Guardianship.
Sure the neighbors might want you to leave her alone as they might be trying to take advantage of her financially.
You should seek out an Elder Care Attorney as soon as you can.
Then your decision is do you move her closer to you and if so do you move her in with you or directly to Assisted Living or Memory Care.
You needed information about your moms ER visit. They didnt give it to you. Therefore, they dont seem to want to help.
In your shoes, I would consult a lawyer. I might go back and call 911 and have mom taken to the ER while I was there so I could find out what is going on physically and mentally. I would look into Assisted living facilities near where YOU live.
Do you have POA? Can you freeze moms credit so no one dishonest can open accounts in her name? Pull a credit report to make sure this hasn't been done already.
I did want to get as much information from the neighbors as I could, so maybe I did put up with more than I normally would have...
I do not plan to ever engage with them again
On a side note, document what you've written above. You need to also protect YOURSELF against her accusations. Dates/times/places along with witnesses and every thing she accuses you of. If you call in the authorities for a wellness check on her (and document that too), and they find her to be alright, they may follow up on her accusations.
Best wishes to you both in this very tough situation.
I did call her local PD because she had a very high front porch light out and needed the light bulb changed!
*It was on the evening that someone had knocked on her front door asking to be paid in advance and they would come back and do work for her, and she called me upset, but told me that she never opened the front door.
Turns out later she calls me again breathless and upset more, because apparently she had walked out her back door and around the side of the house, to talk to the person and they had went to the back door with her?! She assured me that they had not gone inside the house with her. but she was so upset, and she was worried about a credit card because she had been doing her credit card statement when the person came. There was nothing I could do from 1000 miles away.
Then she called me back that night because her front porch light was out and she was still upset about the guy,
So I called the police and had them come and take care of it & I did inform what happened with the guy, to police as well. I don't know that they made a record of it but I imagine that they do keep track of that type of thing.
This happened during summer, before my ill-fated visit.
Whatever the case, while I understand how horrid this must have all been it sounds like you gave them what they wanted, you left. It doesn't sound like that's what your mother wanted, at least the last thing she said she wanted was for you to stay, to go on the trip but you allowed these neighbors to chase you off and leave you and your mom vulnerable as well as solidifying any delusions or fears your mom may have of just that, you leaving her. I know this wasn't your intent and you probably thought you were doing what was best to keep peace at the time but still you are her daughter, her only child and your son is her grandchild, don't let anyone else chase you off. That said, your options and how easy it will be to work through this may depend a great deal on where you stand legally. If you have POA/DPOA, medical proxy and all of those are in order it will be an easier road at least procedure wise and you can step in immediately. If not it may require some planning and hoping anyone with access to mom who doesn't have her best interest at heart isn't able to wipe her out before you can prevent it.
It sounds like you know mom needs to see a doctor, there may be all kinds of contributing factors here that can be helped, undernourishment, dehydration, UTI, just to name a few. Even more to the point her ability to make decisions for herself needs to be assessed so if as it sounds, she is not able to do that others ability to take advantage of her can be stopped while the legalities are worked out. You can decide how much of this responsibility you want to take on or not and at least with her safe and in better shape you can start to figure out what to do next for her.
yes, I am angry at myself for leaving! I took cowards way out, but at time I felt it was only choice!!
I took my son camping, I wanted to help him forget the bad of the trip and end it on good memories! So we went on an adventure for several days!
Then driving home, literally drove thru Mom's town. I had planned to stop back, but then she texted me more negativity and accusations! I just drove through without stopping...
I know I should have stopped. I'm very angry at myself...
2. Get a conservatorship ASAP. She is a danger to herself. Talk to an attorney.