My 80 yo Mom has no Dx-she refuses to see Dr. & is living alone, 1000m from me (only child). She comes & stays with me 1-2x/yr for extended periods, & has her own bdrm here (we own this home together). We talk frequently on phone, & I'd say had a good relationship...
She is negative by nature & has been paranoid for years, But then she started accusing me of strange things, like putting spy cameras in her bedroom fan etc & accusations have just escalated. She says I'm trying to commit her so I can steal her $.
Anything I say to her about anything, she twists it around, somehow makes it about her- that I'm trying to blame her or badmouth her etc, even when I wasn't talking about anything to do with her etc.
A couple that lives across from her, help her out occasionally & she attends knitting at their home. I learned she basically gave away her minivan to a virtual stranger bc these neighbors suggested it. And other items.
I learned she went by ambulance to ER, but she couldn't recall when or why/Dx etc, she said her neighbors helped her. I called neighbors but got no info from them.
Recently, I (&12yo son) went to visit her- plan was to help her out around her house, sightseeing together, & then she was traveling back home with us to visit her oncologist (5yrs post breast cancer).
When we arrived, I was alarmed by how malnourished & shaky she seemed.
All of her pantry & fresh/fridge food was very outdated & spoiled, I wonder if maybe she has a nutrient deficiency.
With her permission, I started cleaning her food out, & organizing her cookware etc. She was right there.
Later, after doing kitchen &other things she asked, she accused me of doing things w/o permission.
She insisted a man & woman were helping me. I told her no one had been there but us, she became increasingly agitated. She said I wanted neighbors to hear, but she'd already warned them about me!
Then I saw her favoring one leg, I asked about it. She said it was from when I shot her! I was like WHAT!?!?
She said I shot her with a taser! (she later said it was in 2017, & I only held her down so my son could shoot her! He was 10 then!!)
I went to speak with neighbors, concerned about her. They asked why did I come? (To my Mom's) & point blank they told me to leave, that my Mom didn't want me there, or need me!
They told me that: They took care of her & watched out for her. She was scared of me! (I started crying then & the man told me I was bipolar!) Also, that she hated my dogs, & didn't like noisy teens! (My son is Very quiet & I know she LOVES him!!)
I said she wanted us to come, that she was driving back with us, after we visited coast. They told me: NO, that wasn't true!! & she didn't want to go to the coast.
Then they told me to sell my home bc my Mom needs her money!! I said eventually we were selling & would probably move in together & They said: No, that she likes where she lives. I need to leave & not come back bc my Mom doesn't need me, that I trigger her! She doesn't want me to call or text her anymore, that she's afraid of me or she'd tell me.
*My Mom denied she said any of that to them. She says I made it all up bc I don't want her to have friends!
But why would they make it up?
I told her she doesn't need to be afraid of me, I'd never hurt her, I only want to help, & if she feels this way, she should just tell me, it's ok. She still denied.
I said it was ok, I'd leave, then she cried, said we hadn't gone to coast, & I hadn't finished her kitchen!
She cried & begged me to stay... I left.
I know she's sad. I am too.
Because they mentioned $$, I can't help but wonder- Are the neighbors trying to alienate my Mom from us?
Am I overreacting about that?
Did my Mom tell them all that because she's so paranoid, about me etc & now my son too.
I don't know what to do...
Is there anything I CAN do?
Has anyone else experienced this?
Thank you
If my mom is in fact unable to continue living independently, I would want to be the one to take care of her, I feel I would have her best interest at heart versus a random stranger who is motivated by their paycheck.
*just to clarify I know there are a lot of home helpers out there who have a lot of compassion for what they do, and I don't want anyone to think that I am against people in this profession!
1. Get Mum to the doctors (however you can - a therapeutic lie if needed). Vit B12 deficiency can cause dementia-like symptoms apparently but sounds like she needs a good checkup. LOTS of worrying symptoms delusions, paranoia, self-neglect (bad food) all warrent medical advice pronto.
2. Do not tell those neighbours ANYTHING more. It does happen that people take advantage - elder with long distance only child - they could be eyeing off Mum's house. Mention this to the Doctor too. I am really suspecting elder financial abuse here. If so, notify Police asap.
I hope neither are as I suspect.
She needs to be seen by a doctor to determine physical and mental health.
If not the only resort you might have at this point (I think any lawyer will say she is not decisional) is to obtain Guardianship.
Sure the neighbors might want you to leave her alone as they might be trying to take advantage of her financially.
You should seek out an Elder Care Attorney as soon as you can.
Then your decision is do you move her closer to you and if so do you move her in with you or directly to Assisted Living or Memory Care.
You needed information about your moms ER visit. They didnt give it to you. Therefore, they dont seem to want to help.
In your shoes, I would consult a lawyer. I might go back and call 911 and have mom taken to the ER while I was there so I could find out what is going on physically and mentally. I would look into Assisted living facilities near where YOU live.
Do you have POA? Can you freeze moms credit so no one dishonest can open accounts in her name? Pull a credit report to make sure this hasn't been done already.
I did want to get as much information from the neighbors as I could, so maybe I did put up with more than I normally would have...
I do not plan to ever engage with them again
On a side note, document what you've written above. You need to also protect YOURSELF against her accusations. Dates/times/places along with witnesses and every thing she accuses you of. If you call in the authorities for a wellness check on her (and document that too), and they find her to be alright, they may follow up on her accusations.
Best wishes to you both in this very tough situation.
I did call her local PD because she had a very high front porch light out and needed the light bulb changed!
*It was on the evening that someone had knocked on her front door asking to be paid in advance and they would come back and do work for her, and she called me upset, but told me that she never opened the front door.
Turns out later she calls me again breathless and upset more, because apparently she had walked out her back door and around the side of the house, to talk to the person and they had went to the back door with her?! She assured me that they had not gone inside the house with her. but she was so upset, and she was worried about a credit card because she had been doing her credit card statement when the person came. There was nothing I could do from 1000 miles away.
Then she called me back that night because her front porch light was out and she was still upset about the guy,
So I called the police and had them come and take care of it & I did inform what happened with the guy, to police as well. I don't know that they made a record of it but I imagine that they do keep track of that type of thing.
This happened during summer, before my ill-fated visit.
It sounds like your mother is suffering from dementia, her neighbors know it, and they're doing everything in their power to take advantage of her. If they successfully alienate YOU from her, they can resume cleaning her out of everything she owns and nobody will be the wiser.
Wake up!
Get your mother to the doctor right away and then OUT of that unsafe environment she's living in. That's my take on things.
Also make sure you have medical & financial POA.
Whatever the case, while I understand how horrid this must have all been it sounds like you gave them what they wanted, you left. It doesn't sound like that's what your mother wanted, at least the last thing she said she wanted was for you to stay, to go on the trip but you allowed these neighbors to chase you off and leave you and your mom vulnerable as well as solidifying any delusions or fears your mom may have of just that, you leaving her. I know this wasn't your intent and you probably thought you were doing what was best to keep peace at the time but still you are her daughter, her only child and your son is her grandchild, don't let anyone else chase you off. That said, your options and how easy it will be to work through this may depend a great deal on where you stand legally. If you have POA/DPOA, medical proxy and all of those are in order it will be an easier road at least procedure wise and you can step in immediately. If not it may require some planning and hoping anyone with access to mom who doesn't have her best interest at heart isn't able to wipe her out before you can prevent it.
It sounds like you know mom needs to see a doctor, there may be all kinds of contributing factors here that can be helped, undernourishment, dehydration, UTI, just to name a few. Even more to the point her ability to make decisions for herself needs to be assessed so if as it sounds, she is not able to do that others ability to take advantage of her can be stopped while the legalities are worked out. You can decide how much of this responsibility you want to take on or not and at least with her safe and in better shape you can start to figure out what to do next for her.
yes, I am angry at myself for leaving! I took cowards way out, but at time I felt it was only choice!!
I took my son camping, I wanted to help him forget the bad of the trip and end it on good memories! So we went on an adventure for several days!
Then driving home, literally drove thru Mom's town. I had planned to stop back, but then she texted me more negativity and accusations! I just drove through without stopping...
I know I should have stopped. I'm very angry at myself...
First- No I do not have a POA :(
I have nothing, & By time I realized things were not as they should be, it was too late-- she refused to allow me anything bc she was sure I wanted to control her only.
As a child my family was very dysfunctional, my Mom was abused by my Dad, I'm a product of various abuse, but even as a child I felt compelled to protect her. I didn't understand why she stayed. I divorced when I realized I'd married my Dad, the abusive man! -but without all my Dad's good qualities!!
In 2015, I tried to get help for her bc she had been experiencing peripheral neuropathy- hands/feet numb, not able to use etc, I took her to neurologist who I also told re my concerns of mental impairment, she told him I didn't have her best interest bc I wanted her money, and she answered a few Qs to assess for memory.
*Her vit B12 levels were extremely high which can cause PN, so she stopped taking any vit B supplements & avoiding food with. Ultimately she refused further testing.
I have full access to the medical situation re her breast cancer bc it's where I live. But no access where she lives. I asked her to add me.
When I recently visited- this Sept 2019, getting access & some type of POA was on my list, but I was just too emotional and I left- bc of what neighbors said yes- but also bc I was protecting myself, Everytime I tried to discuss with her, she freaked out, I felt powerless!
I was so upset, it wasn't healthy for any of us!
*I did call APS, as I was driving out of town, but never returned their call...
Even after I left, she accused me of stealing her driver's license & credit cards! Later she found them. Then accused me of something else.
I met a gal who told me her Gma's hallucinating about a woman in her home going through her stuff, turned out to be true- a supposed friend was arrested.
This made me wonder about neighbors who have a key to her home. Then I think I'm becoming my Mom & being paranoid!
Neighbors- Christians, Own their home,
-Wife early 60s, has knitting class & Bible study in home, defers to husband, afraid of dogs, she's also a notorious gossip- my own Mom declared this too and said she would not say private things to her- but wife did know things, so my mom has spoken to her.
-Husband is 70? Retired college professor. Outspoken, He was very verbally aggressive to me. He's the one saying I must leave. He told me I was bipolar- I told him no, I have no problems with depression (against the odds, thank the Lord!), I have no stigma re mental illness. He continued to say this, I suggested he had Parkinson's dt his shakiness & pill rolling specifically!! His mouth dropped & they passed look, he shut up.
(I know it wasn't nice of me! And I apologized to him. He didn't apologize to me)
They say they have NOT seen anything out of ordinary with my Mom. They say she drives fine. Acts fine. She is fine, and I am the problem.
I intuitively felt they weren't being truthful. And so I tried to end it nicely, by thanking them for keeping eye on her, etc. I hugged them both when I left.
M son said simply "I don't like them, they are liars". He has witnessed my Mom's behavior.
I should add-
Growing up my mom did exhibit paranoia, she would accuse my Dad of poisoning her etc... after he died, at some point she started accusing me of poisoning her. I didn't get bothered by it bc I had heard it as child, it seemed normal. (I realize it wasn't)
My Mom is an introvert, and normally she's very sweet & kind, she's also highly intelligent, I think she's possibly able to mask her symptoms for short periods. She has done a lot for me as an adult, and I still feel need to protect her.
I think maybe she told neighbors things bc she didn't want them to help me if i approached them. (As I did do!).
Right now, it's the holidays, I'm worried bc she's alone, my beloved dog just died, my adult dtr has her own demons, I don't think I can handle more... :(
There is almost always more to a person's post than it first seems. Please disregard the bulk of my response for now. I would highly recommend figuring out a way to get your mom in to see a doctor ASAP, but the rest can wait.
You did the right thing by taking your son camping! He should not be stuck in the middle of this, and your time alone together will always be something you treasure. I know you want to help your mom (and you will, I'm sure of it), but your primary responsibility right now is to yourself and to your son.
Whatever happens, please know there is at least one random person who you've never met that is thinking of you and your family and sending you prayers this holiday season.
I can't tell for sure from your post or profile, but you seem to imply that you are a single parent and the only close relative of your mom. If you're married, talk to your husband; if you have siblings, talk to them; they all should be involved and aware of your concerns.
First and foremost, I would get your mom in to see a doctor ASAP. If the delirium has come on quickly, and with the other evidence of neglect, there is a very real possibility that she has a medical issue that can and should be treated: general malnutrition, low B12, dehydration, electrolyte imbalance, UTI, or ??? I don't think you need to go to the expense of an ambulance ride to an ER, but get her in to see her doctor or Urgent Care within days not weeks.
I would also stick to the original plan of bringing her back with you. I would not have her travel until she's seen a doctor, but I would get her out of there as soon as possible. You say she stays with you periodically, so why not now as planned and enjoy the holiday season together?
Those are the immediate concerns, but I also highly recommend that you look into POA, both healthcare and financial for your mom! The POA powers generally only go into effect if/when your mother can no longer make medical or financial decisions for herself, so it's important to get them in place before she actually needs them. She may need them in place now (based on your post), but even if it's 5 or 10 yrs from now, get the paperwork done.
The neighbors have zero rights where your mom is concerned, but I'd still tread carefully. Your mom's neighbors may be simply trying to look out for your mom and protect her from that "crazy daughter" she keeps telling them about without realizing it's all a delusion. If that's true, you may need their help and support later on. Keep the dialog open, but remain suspicious.
That being said, if you are truly concerned about the situation with the neighbors and potential abuse and/or neglect, please call APS! You can find your local/state office here: https://www.napsa-now.org/get-help/help-in-your-area. Keep in mind, though, that it's entirely possible based on what you've described that APS would recommend your mom not remain in her home alone.
You have to decide for yourself, but my gut feeling is that the time is now for you to seriously start thinking about and making arrangements for you to (1) move in with your mom, (2) move your mom into IL or AL, (3) move your mom into your home, or (4) provide in-home care up to 24/7. These are very personal decisions with a lot of "what-ifs," so consulting an lawyer specializing in elder care would be a great idea. Even if your mom's delirium goes away, she shows she can take care of herself, and her neighbors move away, I would start thinking now about this inevitability.
I know this is a lot, but it sounds like you love your mom, and you hope she's able and willing to spend more time with you and her grandson, so IMHO the effort is worth it.
All the best!
Financially, I'm not in a position probably to hire the best or possibly any, elder abuse attorney, however I will certainly look into it! And maybe try to get some free consultations that will provide some information, & as to my rights.
I do not even know who to contact about setting up a POA but I'm going to Google all of that information, and yes I would be willing to move my mom here but saying something and actually getting it done with her being resistive are two different things...
And unfortunately, there is so much going on in my life right now aside from my mother, that I am worried about my own coping at this point :(
It is time for you to visit the neighbor and find out just what she IS telling them. Tell them you are very worried about her and feel she should go now for testing and diagnosis, that she may require guardianship, and she may need to move into care, that her place is not fit for living and her health doesn't seem good, that you found outdated food in the house and etc.
You are going to have to move NOW and do this. You may need to involve Adult Protective Services to help you get your Mom seem and to have an assessment that will move her out of the clutches of these likely well-meaning neighbors. From there it will go to placement or care in your home because clearly Mom is not being able to be on her own now. Unfortunately this means you are going to have to "be there". I don't know what this means to your current life, your own home, your own family, your job. But it looks like it must be done.
2. Get a conservatorship ASAP. She is a danger to herself. Talk to an attorney.
One question: can you distill this situation down into 1 goal? For example, if you can't do/control anything else, will you be satisfied if she is in a safe place getting reliable care? If so this would point towards getting APS/social services involved and they eventually take guardianship over her. Your mom is a dumpster fire of resistance, so thinking she will willingly go to doctors, sign PoAs, leave with you seems unlikely based on the info you posted. So, if the best you can do for her is to make sure she doesn't get abused, injured, starved or die a lonely death, then call APS and get her on their radar.
Also, I would not trust the neighbors. They are either taking advantage of her or they're off their rockers themselves. Don't engage them. If you do have the opportunity to visit your mom again (without your son present) I would remove anything that has sentimental or monetary value since you've said the neighbors have a key. What a messy situation and I'm so sorry that you have to deal with it. Bless you for trying but you can only do so much when your LO isn't willing/able to participate in their own best life. May you have peace in your heart about that reality.
Thanks so much for this!
While it's not truly funny per se, at the same time it made me smile!
I agree, my gut feeling is that I should not trust them, something is off, and even if they are trying to be protective only- they're not going about it in the right way.
I can't get over the fact that they would rather tear apart and destroy our family connection, someone that truly cares about another person would want them to be happy and that includes having what they know was a previous good relationship, restored, especially between elderly mom and daughter, they would want to encourage and sustain that relationship, help it ¬ demand it ends.
Thank you for your well wishes
Then go back-immediately and rescue your mom. From what you describe she needs to be evaluated as to her mental capabilities and her neighbors could have been taking advantage of her
vulnerable state of mind for some time now.
My advice is to 1) Take mom to a safe place-home with you or an AL, locate immediate medical diagnosis and care
2)contact an lawyer for elder issues, deal with her assets. Get a conservatorship if necessary to protect her. If the “helpful” neighbors defrauded her, go to the police.
3)Get help with caregiver issues if it becomes too much for you. Take breaks when you need them. Research all you can. Learn it is not personal. We are only human! God bless you!
at that point the only way for me to get any control will be to actually hire an attorney and go to court against the state? To obtain financial / bodily control of my mother?
That's an option I am definitely not in a financial position to do unfortunately.
Conversely, if I get the POA now, before she is legally deemed incapacitated, if something happens with my mom, I would then legally be able to take over as needed...
Just wanted to make sure I understand correctly.
I did call my mom and tried to talk to her about this and explain to her that it was important that there be some documentation in place, I suggested from the angle of if she was to have a major stroke, if I didn't have a way to take control, the state would basically take control of her and place her,
and I would have to spend resources that I do not have to fight for her,
in the meantime, she might be in a place that she is not happy etc as well as possibly losing access to her money and having her assets sold against her wishes. Do I have that correct?
Again this was a phone conversation...
To which she really didn't reply much...
**I tried to speak to her also about coming down for the holidays, she said she was too busy, I asked doing what - - she said she had bills to pay, that is her typical answer, she is always paying bills! Or sleeping.