My mom is in assisted living now. she was falling and she can't see well. she hates it and constantly complains and cries. she says things like, what are you doing to me, wasn't I a good mom, your spending all my money, etc. I can't take it much longer. She is a pro at the guilt game. I don't even want to speak to her or see her anymore. What do I do?
this is now her life and she has to live with it. It doesn't matter why you placed her. Has nothing to do with loving her. My Mom was easy compared to some with Dementia. But I couldn't take the toileting. The mid night wanderings. My house was literally a death trap with all the stairs. Mom was 88. The AL was the best choice. She had freedom she didn't have here. Socialization she didn't have here. I am not an entertainer.
Grandma has some good responses. But, even in very early stages of Dementia its hard to reason with them. If this is a new move, then Mom needs time to adjust and get use to the staff doing for her. If you have been going everyday, go every other. If she continuously calls you, block her. Maybe set up a time to call every night. Usually after dinner they start getting people back to their rooms to get them settled in. Ask the staff what is a good time to call. I would say between 7 and 8. If she gets started, just say "just checking in Mom to see how your day went and to say hi. So will let you go for now" and hang up. If she starts when u visit, tell her your here for a visit not to be hollered at. If she continues, give her a kiss on the cheek and say "will be back another day". Will she finally "get it"? Will determine how bad her Dementia is. Tell her once making sure she understands what you are saying. After that, "Mom your hollering" If she doesn't stop. Kiss on the cheek and "I visit some other time". She needs to realize that this is now her home. The staff are there to help her. You need to set the boundries. Its not her fault or your fault that this is now her life. Its what it is and she needs to make the best of it.
You’re trying to do a job that you’re also paying someone else to do, then getting mad because she’s insulting you for doing it.
Next time tell her calmly that she’s not helping herself or you, and that you won’t listen to her do it any more, then leave.
If you “can’t take it any more”, DON’T TAKE IT- LEAVE.
Do speak to her caregivers and determine whether or not she is complaining to them, or instead using her time in more constructive ways. There’s at least a 50-50 chance that she’s adjusting to her surroundings and saving up her rancor just for you.
Let the staff know what you're doing, that you're fine, and that you won't be taking her calls but they can contact you if necessary.
Trust me -- they've seen this many times before.
”what are you doing to me?” Your response..I am trying to make sure you are safe and cared for when I can’t be with you.
”wasn’t I a good mom? Your response…Yes you were and are, I am doing what you taught me, to care for you
”you are spending all my money” Your response..mom, your money is for you, you and dad worked hard and your money is being spent so you can get more help than I alone can give you.
Then you keep telling her that she is where she is because you love her and want to make sure she is safe.
Try to find out from staff if she is unhappy and complaining when you are not there. She may be involved and not as unhappy as she is telling you
I remember years ago someone on this forum was commenting on how her Mom hated living in the senior facility, etc. Then one day the daughter decided to drop in to see her Mom at a different time than she usually would visit. What she found was her Mom enjoying herself with the other ladies, laughing up a storm, until she saw her daughter. Oops.