My mom just passed unexpectedly and I can't deal with the loss and guilt.

I’m so sorry for your loss. That must have been a horrible shock. Your mom was lucky to have you, and you did nothing wrong. There were many times my mom had to go to the ER and we put it off because she dreaded the hours of waiting and discomfort. You had no way of knowing that something life threatening was happening.

Also, please don’t feel guilty for the times you thought about having your freedom back. My mom is still here and I think about it all the time. Caregiving is a huge commitment and I think anyone who says they never think about not having that responsibility any longer is lying.

Treasure the wonderful relationship you had with your mom, and enjoy your future with your fiancé. There will be lot of grieving, but know that you did the very best you could which was a blessing for mom. (((Hugs))).

Your Mom was 74. You say that after you dad's death 15 years ago you moved in with your Mom.
This would have made her only 59 years old at that time.
She did have some issues, but at 81 I have been dealing with IBS for most of my life; the bad back I have comes of a nursing career of heavy lifting. Neither has stopped me living a full life and taking care of myself. I would not need a daughter moving in now even at 81 years of age.
So it seems that your moving in with mom was a choice. Which is FINE.
As that was your choice--both of your choices--you then lived very close to one another and very entwined/enmeshed; you were very involved in her care and her medical issues which I think made you feel overly responsible for them, as they are nothing you caused, nor could cure. They were nothing for you to feel guilty about.

The best MDs in the world would not have recommended a trip to ER for what your mother complained of.
With a bad back she was spending her nights on a bad mattress, a combo that COULD HAVE BEEN EXPECTED to cause some issues. She told you of the problem. You were watching her. And then, unexpectedly, she died.
I do not know if autopsy was done, nor what it showed, but the presence of a lot of blood indicates hemorrhage from somewhere, and it would likely have occurred for her in care or out of it, and she may or may not have survived it even in an emergency room. It sounds like a catastrophic event.

Your mother has been ill and in pain for a long time, and has expressed honestly to you her willingness, (and I would imagine) her wish to be at peace. She passed suddenly without the time to even call you. I consider that swift passage, somewhat a blessing, that avoided pain, struggle and fear before a final outcome of death.

You have nothing to be sorry for. You were always there for your mom and you had a loving relationship she treasured.
Grief counselors tell us that we often sink into things like anger, blame (even self-blame) in order to avoid the finality of grieving the REAL AND FINAL LOSS of someone we love. That it is almost as though our being able to blame a doctor, a nurse, a hospital, even ourselves, could change the final outcome and we could do it differently and the outcome would not be that we must face grief.
But in the end we must face grief. The only way out of it is through it.
I beg you not to negate all the loving care, all the times you were there for her, all the devotion, all the extra time you gave her by suggesting that you caused her death, because you didn't.

If you need professional help with your grieving, do consider that. But meanwhile know that much of what you are feeling is normal to feel, and this is a process you must go through. You have a good life ahead of you that your mother would want for you. You will always have her with you in your heart and as someone with a loving mom lost many years ago (I am 81) I can assure you of that. And you have many good memories and a lot of love to celebrate in the future in happy memories.

When my brother died it was a comfort to me to write to him in a diary, to decorate it, to discuss this kind of feeling with him, and happy memories. I did that for about a year. It really helped me. I recommend giving it a try. My heart goes out to you. Your mother would want your happiness.

<(((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

You have nothing to feel guilty about. As often said on this forum. people get the words guilt and grief mixed up.
What you're feeling now is grief, as you've done nothing wrong to be guilty for. In fact you went above and beyond for your mom, perhaps even when she really didn't need your help, since she was so young when you first moved in and actually quite young when she died as well.
It sounds like perhaps you and your mom had a bit of co-dependency going on with each other which will in the long run make your grieving process more difficult, so I would recommend getting help from some type of grief counselor in your area.
And know that your mom is at peace now with her Lord and Savior and that she would want you to move forward in a healthy way not only in your grieving process but with your fiancé as well.
It sounds like he may have been put on the back burner this whole time since you said that your mom was your life, when in reality he should have been your life. Hopefully now you can put your relationship with him first and move forward in planning your wedding.
May God grant you His peace, comfort and strength in the days, weeks and months ahead.

You've had a terrible shock and are understandably deep in grief, I'm sorry.
The harsh reality is that death most often isn't the pretty scene portrayed in movies, but I hope you can take some comfort in the fact she had to have known you were there for her and that the end was obviously sudden, not a long drawn out affair. 🤗

My deepest condolences to you. Your mother is beyond all pain and suffering now and has gone to the Good Place.

You did nothing wrong. Even if she had gone to the hospital, there's no guarantee that they would have been able to stop or prevent her death.
Death comes for us all, It was your mother's time.

It's still so recent and you haven't gotten over the shock of it yet. Give yourself a break here and a rest. Your fiance can help you. Your family and friends can too. What you need now is people around you. That always helps.

You are grieving , you did nothing wrong at all. You went over and above for years . You had no way of knowing what was wrong . Your mother was an adult and decided to wait and see .

This sounds like an event that very likely would have had the same outcome no matter where she was . A trip to the ER was not a guarantee she would have survived . Or if she had even survived, her quality of life would have been extremely poor. She had already expressed she wanted to go “ home “ . Mom most likely would have preferred a quick exit the way she had it , rather than a prolonged death for you to have to witness .

You were very enmeshed with your mother . I believe grief counseling as well as other professional therapy would be of help .

You did all you could.
I guess the good thing, other than she in no longer in pain and discomfort she died at home, in her home, in her bed (and you made that possible by the care that you provided) not in the hospital with tubes attached and strangers around her.
I am sorry for your loss.
For you to have cared so deeply she must have been a kind and wise mom. For that you are lucky as not all have that privilege.
Now it is time to take care of yourself and your fiancé and get on with your lives I am sure she would have wanted that for you both.

You are seriously grieving with the woulda, coulda, shouldas and you witnessed something horrific with the blood. I doubt the extra half hour would have helped. This could have happened when you were taking her to the ER.
If it has been several days and your sleep is also affected then seek a grief counsellor soon. Do not wait for long scheduled appointments. You can call your doctor, contact clergy if appropriate. Hospices may even recommend someone.
Twice when I was working, we witnessed the tragedy of a work related death of a co worker and another time, a co worker died on his way to work. In both instances, social workers were sent within hours to help us process and they explained the triggers that could eventually become mentally unhealthy.

You speak as a woman of faith--and so let that faith guide you in the coming days.

Your mom was ready to go. I doubt that extra half hour of sleep would have made one bit of difference to the outcome. Please don't beat yourself up.

Mom still exists. Pray for courage, pray to have peace. Mom is out of pain and in a place where she doesn't have to BE in pain.

My mom died while no one was home with her. It was a shock, but she went the way she wanted to go. I couldn't have wished for a calmer passing.

I know that seeing blood & what seemed like a painful death--probably wasn't. More scary, right?

My heart hurts for you. Having lost both my parents I can be grateful they are together with THEIR folks--and I know they are still alive..spiritually.

Blessings to you as you come to terms with this. You absolutely did not fail her, don't even think that!

I think you did your best - Not so sure about the Hospital you brought her to But Please do not Blame yourself . The shock Of Finding your Mom Like that would traumatize any One . My brother Passed suddenly from a Internal combustion and I think when It is sudden it throws you into shock . I Found a grief counselor and we spoke for 3 and a half hours and It helped me Immensely . After My Mom Passed I felt numb and My phone died that day . My Brother was Much tougher on me I got sick for 2 Months with a flu . I had a tenant who Killed himself and Luckily I did not find the body . Death and Grief are hard it takes a couple years to recover . Maybe get yourself some flowers and a candle and have a chat with your Mom . I Believe the spirit still Lingers around for a Bit . It is a huge Loss But dont Blame yourself . Grief is tough - give yourself a break. if you can go on a cruise with your fiancee or a trip . You will dream about her and she will still be very Much alive in your dreams . Take care of yourself .

I'm sitting here, crying for you. So very sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss. Sending you a bear hug. You are a good daughter, please do not second guess what happened. It was her time.

Daryle, my deepest condolences to you on the loss of your beloved mother. What a wonderful relationship and friendship you shared with her. 😊 She was truly fortunate to have you in her life.

Thinking of you.

Your story is absolutely heartbreaking. I am so very sorry.

I also cared for my mother. What you experienced was my worst fear. I was terrified to find my mother dead. I can’t imagine the shock that you felt after discovering your mom.

Please know that you did everything that you possibly could have done for your mom. Also know that she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that you loved her with all of your heart.

Everything that you are feeling is quite normal after going through this kind of thing. You are grieving and questioning everything. In time I hope that you will be able to see that you didn’t fail your mother.

Of course, you will miss her. You will always have your cherished memories of her. She wouldn’t want you to blame yourself for her death. She is going to live in your heart forever.

Sending you a million hugs. Wishing you peace during this difficult time in your life.

I’m so sorry for your loss and pain. Please know your mother passed exactly when she was meant to, and nothing you did or didn’t do made it happen. She is now at peace. I hope you’ll soon begin some grief counseling so you’ll also find a way to peace, knowing you didn’t cause this and accepting the loss. Many have been helped by the Grief Share groups, you can find them in most communities.