First off, I'm so glad I found this community of such caring, thoughtful, and compassionate caregivers. This experience has taught me patience and compassion for others I didn't know I had in me. My mom had a fall this week while I was in the same room. I feel really bad about it, but at least I was able to break her fall (I think) so she wasn't injured. Understandably, she calls me at night to spot for her when she has to use the commode at nights. I don't mind that at all, what does bother me a little is that it takes at least a half hour to get her back in bed. 5 minutes getting on the pot and peeing, 25 minutes of her adjusting her Depends and squirming in bed to be where she wants to be. She yells at me when I try to help and then complains it's not right. I know I can pull up her Depends in seconds, and lift her into bed but she refuses my help. I have to hover over her to prevent another fall while she stands forever and "fixes" things. Needless to say, this affects my sleep as it can come at any time of night and I have to be there. Same thing during the day. I retired early last year to care for her. I almost feel like I sacrificed my joy in retirement, but it is what it is.
Get an OT. Just call it "the OT," don't say the whole word out loud. She'll never know.
Some PTs want taking out and spanking. I understand your mother's feelings about that, but the ones in my service are lovely and brilliant at their work.
Speak plainly to her that if she doesn't want help from you at night when she needs to use the commode then don't call you.
If she expects you to get up for her in the middle of the night and you're willing to, it has to be on YOUR terms, not hers. If she refuses to allow you to pull up her Depends and put her back in bed to get it done fast, then tell her you're not getting up at all. That you refuse to be kept up all night to appease her vanity in thinking that she's still independent. You can play this game with her of a half an hour pee during the day. Not at night when you're in bed yourself.
I had a homecare client like this. She was incontinent and had serious mobility issues. She used a 'pull-up' and was way past the point where a 'pull-up' was appropriate. She was adamant about not wearing diapers. The living room had become her bedroom and she had a bedside commode. My job then was two visits a day because she wasn't living alone. I'd get a call every day from her husband while on the job I went to after her, telling me that she knocked the commode over, was on the floor again and could I come right then. No. I couldn't because I was at another client's home. So, she'd stay on the living room floor in her own mess for a few hours until it was my time to make the second visit. It was a miracle that she never got hurt, but she never did.
One day I came in and told her husband that I refuse to get her up off the floor again that this was the last time. Also I would not be cleaning the mess up again either.
I put the commode out in the garage and put her in a diaper. No, she didn't like it. She threw a tantrum which we ignored and that was the end of it. Better a diaper and some hurt pride than a broken hip.
Same thing with your mother. Insist that she let you help her at night to get it done fast otherwise refuse to help her at all or take the commode away entirely and she can go into diapers.
Try getting an OT or physical therapist to come and supervise her getting into and out of bed with a stern, professional eye. She will have her technique corrected, and you will then be able to prompt her verbally. Or, possibly, the therapist will tell her to get a different bed.
If she uses a walking frame, then enough of the nonsense with the Depends. She stands and balances, you whip up her nightie, you straighten that pad and mesh (or pull up) at waist and each thigh - and it's a mistake to be too tentative. Not tight, but good and firm and straight along the line of her back and round her waist(ish). We are on a mission to encourage independence, but too much faffing in the dead of night is good for *neither* of you.
If she doesn't use a walking frame, she should. Probably. Ask the OT.
As for the toilet, Is she using a walker going to and from? If the toilet is close to a wall, can you install a grab bar there to give her proper support getting up or down? As for the Depends, just take charge and do it for her. Promise you won't "look". She will resist _ who wouldn't? - but after a few times she will get used to your help.
If you can't have a "therapist" in to help, change the word and call it a "nurse" and let the therapist know why. Best of luck and keep us posted!
The mother may not be at the point where there has to be placement in a care facility. That isn't always the answer when an old person is a stubborn and ornery complainer.
You're spot on about laying down the law with her though. That nonsense of being up all night so mom can pee and fuss needs to have the brakes put on it.
This situation could benefit greatly from some outside hired help. Many times a senior will go harder on their family caregiver and get meaner and nastier to them because they're embarrassed that they have to do for them.
When it's outside help, they often feel better about because they see themselves as less of a burden to their adult child.
I hope they consider some other options besides putting the mother in a care facility.
If you're not getting enough sleep. you may want to look into hiring someone(with moms money)to spend the nights, so they can attend to your mom, and you can sleep. Also it's important that you're taking time away for yourself to do some fun things you enjoy. And if you have to hire some outside help in order to do that, then do it(again with moms money).
The caregiving journey is very hard, and it will wear you down before you realize it, so you MUST take care of yourself along the way as well, so you can continue on this journey. Best wishes.
You may try to stop her liquid intake by a certain time depending on her bedtime. Tea and sodas irritate the bladder making you feel the need to go. Of course coffee is a no no. Limit her water intake. Maybe that will give you a couple more hours of sleep.
You need to tell Mom how she is effecting your sleep. Explain you know she wants to stay as independent as possible but could just please compromise at night with your help. By the time she does want she needs to do you are wide awake and can't get back to sleep. Your needs are as important as hers. Our parents see us an children not adults. And forget that we are Seniors too.
You can also have her stop drinking liquids past 6 PM.
MEssington with someones sleep is really bad and it can keep you tired all the next day when you're suppose to be the Caregiver the next day. It can also just end up making you I'll.
If mom won't let you help so it can be fast, just let her wear overnight Adult Diapers and let her pee in them just like a baby does and change her in the morning.
But a number of things here.
1) you should not try to catch someone if they begin to fall. You can help them to the ground safely. If you try to "catch" them or prevent them from going down they will easily take you with them. Safely get them to the ground then call Non emergency number for paramedics and ask for a "lift assist" they will come and help her up and get her into bed or onto a chair safely. They are trained to do this. And 99.99% of the time as long as there is no transport to the hospital there will be no charge.
2) you should not "lift" someone into bed. That will just hurt you in the long run when your back gives out or hurt the person you are helping when you drop them.
Getting a hospital bed would help as you can raise or lower it to make getting in and out of it easier. And the mattress is cleanable so if it does get soiled it is easy to clean and sanitize.
Does mom use a walker? that would also offer some support for her.
I also used to place one backwards and pushed over the toilet so that there was a sturdy bar to grasp when he started to stand up. (sorta made the toilet more like an "armchair", I even used it that way when I broke a bone in my leg last year and I needed support when getting up.)
For both your safety and hers you should consult with a Physical Therapist and learn the safest way to transfer her and how to deal with falls.
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