Hello,
Recently I had posted a lot of questions re: my mother becoming verbally abusive with me and I made the decision to move out but remain close by to continue to support her while protecting my own health.
Just as I am about to move, everything has changed drastically. Talk about how you make plans, and God laughs : (
On Monday I came home from work and found my mother in a disoriented state. She admitted she had fallen, and I took her immediately to the ER. She was admitted and as of today I have a clear update after the battery of tests.
Per the neurosurgeon, she has what they first suspected in the ER, a Meningioma, but they couldn't tell the extent until the MRI was run and analyzed.
Unfortunately it's a big, nasty, aggressive tumor covering the entire frontal lobe of her brain. There are only two options, and they are bad or worse.
Bad is surgery to remove the tumor, which they feel confident is possible due to the location, but due to her age of 82 it's still iffy. At best, she would have a chance at quality of life, but there are still the risks of infection, bleeding, and left-sided weakness.
Worse is doing nothing and the obvious progression to end of life discussions.
The medical team does not feel she has decision-making capabilities based on her presentation; she is confused and they don't feel she is fully aware of what is going on.
I am her HCP and POA.
From past conversations we have had, she has told me she NEVER wants to be in a nursing home. I am conflicted because I have a feeling this could be the case if we go the route of surgery, I want to do what's best for her and I am so torn.
If we do nothing, we may be looking at Hospice and keeping her comfortable at home, which is what I think she would want. The good news is that per the neurosurgeon she is stable as of today and not in any pain. She is also walking and eating well.
My siblings and I are having a Zoom meeting tomorrow to come together and talk about this.
Has anyone here had this, or something like this, happen, and what was the outcome?
You say your mom has said in the past that she would not want to be in a Nursing Home. (I am going to assume that she meant Skilled Nursing facility.)
There is a possibility that either way she may be in Skilled Nursing.
If, as you say she has the surgery she may need help after. If this is not help that you can give at home or she can not have caregivers 24/7 the only viable option is Skilled Nursing, maybe Assisted Living.
If you elect NOT to have the surgery and she is on Hospice can you care for her at home as she declines or again caregivers 24/7. And if neither is possible we go the Skilled Nursing or Assisted Living route once again.
So.... neither option is without problems and the potential for a time in Skilled Nursing or Assisted Living.
I think I would include mom in the conversation with your siblings as you run through all the options. (That is if your mom is somewhat decisional as to her options)
Ultimately you are the one that has to make the final decision and I hope that you do take m oms wishes into account. You know what her past discussions with you have been.
Personally if this were me...I would opt for Hospice. (And I know my POA would follow my wishes in that decision)
Like I know my mom wants to live at any cost, no matter what, pain or anything she is going through. So do you have an inside gutt feelings of what your mom would want.
I make it pretty clear to my loved ones that id rather not be here if I had to choose a life of possibly being bed ridden.
I also want to add , has the doctors mentioned that being put under alone, even with hip surgery often gives patients a large set back in cognitive function, and this seems even more of a possibility.
So sorry for what is happening to you and your family. I'm very interested in what others will say.
Please keep us posted.
For myself, I have already at 82 made VERY CLEAR in my advanced directive that I would never have this (or any other) surgery that I had no capacity to myself fully understand and sign for. I have lived a good long life. If they are being honest with you, the outcome of the current surgery for such a big tumor is NOT GOOD percentage wise, and at this age ANY brain surgery would likely be too large an "insult" for the brain to recover any quality of life.
I am sorry that you mother did not leave clear instructions.
As POA then, this falls to you. I can tell you that your mother will end in care almost certainly, and never return to her former quality of life. The chance for that is miniscule and at 82 she is already aged enough that the coming life WILL include care (for MYSELF if I live, as WELL AS for her).
I would not under any circumstances sign for this surgery.
I would request hospice care and do it at home if you are able, and in facility if you are not.
I would make this decision regardless of the others in the family given that this is the position your mother assigned to YOU, not to them.
So I have told you what I would do.
You will make your own decision now with the advice of doctors, of family, or on your own, and you will make the decision you feel is best and is right for your mom. Once you make your decision there is no guarantee as to it being the right or wrong decision. You aren't God; you can't know these things. You can only do WITH ALL STRENGTH AND CERTAINTY what you believe to be the right thing.
My heart goes out to you. I am so very sorry.
If this were my dx at 67, I'd choose hospice care. My cousin had a cancerous meningioma surgically removed at 40 yrs old and said he'd never, ever go thru such a thing again. Consult with moms surgeon about all the risks and whether it's worth taking them, at 82.
Again, I'm sorry for this situation you're both in.