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She has vascular dementia and lately has started having hallucinations and has been angry a few times. A large part of most days she’s ok, but otherwise suffers from anxiety and loneliness. She is recently on abilify and buspar.
her room now is close to the smoking hut and since she has claustrophobia, she spends most nice days outside. Once she is in memory care she’ll have to wait for an aid to be able to escort her outside. Maybe 3 times a day. I don’t know how to explain the move to her and whatever I tell her will be forgotten so I’d like to have a good , short thing to say, as I will be repeating it several times a day.

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I would first work on making sure she is on the appropriate meds in the appropriate combination and dosage. This can certainly change over time, as one's body and symptoms change.

You are correct in that she will most likely not remember so do not bother trying to reason her through an explanation. Tell her whatever therapeutic fib works to keep her calm day by day. Make sure the staff is in on it.

You do not have to keep repeating it. Practice distraction and redirection. Bring things for her to look at: pics on your phone, items from home, something on the tv, go for a walk, etc. Get creative.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Buspar was created so you wouldn’t get addicted. It’s about as effective as benedryl. Frankly addiction is not a concern anymore. Try Ativan Or Xanax instead. And as for abilify, thats not strictly a antipsychotic like seroquel designed to lessen visual or auditory hallucinations.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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You will not be able to explain it to her. Have her items moved to her new location as she is out on an activity of some kind. then just take her to her new place. Make sure that whoever moves the items - furniture, chairs, pictures are placed as they were in the old place so as not to confuse as much as possible. Upon arrival make statements like - ah great to be home, isn't it nice to be in your home, ah look at this nice comfy chair, lets get a treat out of your cupboard, lets have a treat here at your table. Just continue to emphasize YOUR.
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Reply to Ohwow323
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Tell her it is cheaper.
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Reply to TxPonyGirl
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MissesJ Jul 16, 2024
L🤣L—this would definitely work for a lot of our parents (theoretically)!
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You can't explain to her. So just move her stuff into the new area and that's the end of it.

I do like the idea of telling her it's cheaper though. It can't hurt.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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That sucks for her. She gets "used" to her room, now has to move, and start the process all over again.

Would not be surprised if she gets pissed.
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MiaMoor Jul 17, 2024
Life is always difficult and there are always things that will make us feel "pissed" if we're so inclined. That's neither here nor there, and there's no use in bringing it up.
Let's be thankful that there are places where we or our loved ones can be looked after and kept safe when we're no longer able to do so.
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The concern I usually have with people with any dementia being in AL rather than Memory Care is that it is easier to wander. It does not sound like your mom is a wanderer so I am going to suggest this....
But first...her anger. Is she becoming violent to the point that it puts her or other residents or staff at risk of injury?
Talk to her doctors about adjusting medication to eliminate the hallucinations and manage the anger.
If the anger and hallucinations can be managed there might not be a reason to move her.

If that has already been tried and the move is inevitable no amount of explaining will help and the staff should be able to get her outside. (the facility should have a locked outdoor area that the residents can access themselves) I would think on nice days they would want the residents outside anyway.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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MiaMoor Jul 17, 2024
"Should" doesn't come into it. If the OP is right and the facility doesn't have an area that the residents can access themselves, then the mother will have to wait for a member of staff.
However, the OP can be an advocate and make sure that the facility is aware of the claustrophobia and the mother's need to get outside.
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How about simply “you have enough complaints that they agreed we could try this section out” or something to that effect.
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Reply to Lymie61
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I like the idea of “they’ve heard your complaints and think this would be better for you.” Or just move her stuff. End of story.
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Reply to Lmkcbz
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KerryK, when my Dad needed to move into Memory Care from his apartment in Independent Living (same facility), I told him it was less expensive (therapeutic fib) and Dad was always agreeable when it came to saving money :)


At first it was tough trying to move in whatever furniture he needed as going from a 2 bedroom apartment into just a room the size of a bedroom wasn't easy for me to arrange. Thankfully all his bookcases fit, and that was all he was worried about.


By setting up this bedroom size suite, which had a small kitchenette, I tried to arrange the bed and dresser the same way he had it in the apartment, which was the same way he had it at home. That way when he woke up at night and wondered where he was, seeing his tall dresser where it was gave him comfort.
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Reply to freqflyer
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Many years ago, my Dr. prescribed Buspar. That medication caused me to have strange hallucinations. My Dr. verified that this was a side effect.
This has nothing to do with your question, but I thought it was worth mentioning, since your Mom is taking it.
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Reply to Janus12
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KerryK: Perhaps you can come up with a little fib.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Tell her that her AL room needs to be redecorated, the window needs fixing, or some other reason why she has to move temporarily. With luck, she'll forget what's going on.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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The memory cares that I have toured have secure outside areas that residents can access on their own. The memory care is built around a garden area in the middle that residents can access.

Check on what is in your area.
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Reply to brandee
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You really can't. What we did was to have my MIL to spend 2 full days in memory care 8 to 5. Two weeks apart. Then they returned her to her to her AL room for the night. She loved it. Had no problem. By that time they had a memory care room ready. We told my MIL that her room had to undergo major repairs and we needed to move her into another apartment. We moved her and she never asked to go back. It was incredible.

I also would ask about medication for anger.... memory care/ AL should be on top of this.....

Good luck...
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