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She hates me and says she wishes I was never born. I have no one to turn to and am exhausted and hurt. What to do?

I feel for you. My mother was an odd mix of “You made me get old. You ruined my life. You never understood me.” and “If you don’t leave your family to be by my side 24/7, I’ll kill myself.”

Are you her caregiver?
Do you live with her?
Is she cognitively ok or does she have dementia?
Has she always been nasty?
Do you have POA?

If she is of sound mind, distance yourself from her. Teach her how to treat you. If she wishes you were never born, logic follows that she wishes you weren’t there.

If she has dementia, start investigating care. You, like me and several others on this site, may be a rage trigger. I pop in to check on my mother (99, dementia, care home) once a month. If she identifies me she either orders me to leave or yells at me. Now she is kicking, biting and hitting the staff when she’s angry.

If you are caring for her because you hope that, one day, she’ll realize how much she loves you and she’ll express appreciation, walk away. That day will never come. Which is a terribly difficult realization that has crushed many spirits. Do not sacrifice yourself on the altar of her misery.
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Reply to Anabanana
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Anxietynacy Jul 20, 2024
Great advice
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Bev I'm curious, do you live with your mom, are you her main caregiver?

Often the main caregiver gets the worst of the nastiness.

I suspect if your moms 90 then she most likely has some cognitive decline going on.

You could read up on dementia see if you notice anything that resembles your mom. Teepa Snow on YouTube, or read the book, The 36 hour day.

And what about her health conditions?

Growing old is no fun, constant pains and aches . That may be making her negative also

If you are her caregiver, as it sounds like you are from , saying your exhausted. Maybe it's time to look for different alternatives for your moms care.

I can truly understand how much her saying those things hurt. And you don't have to put up with it.

Let us know more info when you can, so we can answer you better
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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That's sad, but she's probably going to keep on with it. Remove yourself from her presence when she starts up. If you don't respond, she won't be encouraged to go on and on and on.

And, if you're up to it, next time she starts with the wishing you'd never been born, look her straight in the eye and tell her, "SO DO I." Then walk out and let her stew. There are variations on this theme. "So do I, Mom, because then someone else would be changing your diapers." Or "So do I, Mom, because you're making my life a living hell." Or "So do I, Mom, because I'm exhausted. Tomorrow I'm going to find you a new place to live." And then you do it.

There's this thing called enmeshment where two people get their lives all tangled up, and despite the misery of that, neither can survive without pushing the other's buttons. It's not a healthy way to live. Do you think it could be like that for you and mom?
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Reply to Fawnby
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I myself would have nothing to do with a "mother" who says she hates me and wishes I was never born.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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I’d just tell her, dementia or not, that you’ll exit her life as if you’d never been born. If she still has property she can lose it to some charity, or to those cyber scammers, or a Nigerian “boyfriend” or to illegals who’ll be happy to move in and take over. If there’s no money to cremate her then the county will pay and dispose of her ashes in a landfill.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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Dementia or not , some parents either were always abusive and it becomes worse as they age , or they become abusive.

It’s time to put on your shield .

If Mom has no dementia , competent , tell her she needs to find someone else to help her .

If she has dementia , place her in a facility . The staff will ignore her rudeness and name calling and chalk it up to a crazy old lady .

You should not be the person taking care of her.

When my lifelong NPD abusive mother didh’t get her way , she would say “ If I knew my kids would turn out so rotten , I wouldn’t have bothered having any . I wasted my time “. She was never happy .

Your Mom is going to be who she is no matter what . Save yourself . Don’t live with her .
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waytomisery Jul 20, 2024
add to my post .

This could escalate if your Mom is manipulative like my mother was to get her way. She will call family and the police with lies . Happened to me . Get out of Dodge .

If you visit her at a facility , visit in the common area sitting room , or at a minimum always leave her door open if you are in her room.

When she starts her nonsense , you leave , tell her you’ll be back when she’s in a better mood . Limit number of visits and keep them short .
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Decide today you have more value and worth than to be treated this way. Arrange for others to care for your mother if there’s dementia, if there’s not, let her figure out the help she needs. Always know you matter and no one deserves hateful behavior. Your mom isn’t changing, but you certainly can. I wish your healing and peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Start looking for a place that will meet her needs. Either Assisted Living or Memory Care.
There is no way I would care for someone that says they hate me and they wish I was never born.
I get it if mom has dementia BUT I still could not care for someone for any length of time that said that, Eventually I would feel deep resentment and I would not be able to care for the person the way I should. And that would make me feel even worse.

You do not indicate what problems your mom has, (Please fill out your profile or add to what you have said in your post)
If mom can be placed in a facility that can meet her needs and pay for it, great. If not then you will have to begin the application process for Medicaid.
Contact your local Senior Service Center or Area Agency on Aging and have a "Needs Assessment" done to see what she would qualify for.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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You asked..."What to do?" Well you can start by walking away and leaving your miserable mother to herself.
You owe her NOTHING!!!!
And since you've not given us much to go on(you know we're not mind readers here right?)as far as what your mother's issues are and if you are a hands on caregiver, and why exactly you're exhausted, so you leave us to have to fill in the lines, which really isn't fair, so all I can tell you with the little info you've supplied is to just stop the insanity today.
Walk away, or better yet, run away and never go back.
You deserve SO much better, but sadly I don't think you yet realize that you do.
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