After a failed marriage of 17 years to a narcissist, I moved home to my hometown and bought my first home, 3 bedrooms and 2 baths. I bought a home with an extra bedroom with my mother in mind as she is aging. Her living conditions were anything but desirable and unsafe. She has COPD and smokes like a chimney. She is a crafter. Many social activities with her friends. But she has completely dominated my house. I had my private bathroom in my office (smallest bedroom in my house), my room and the extra room for her. I don't allow smoking in the house, but said she can come in my office to smoke when she can't go outside. She has not "been able to go outside at all." She moved her stuff into my private bathroom in the office, and her recliner. She now uses my office as her private living room and smokes the day away watching the Hallmark channel. I expressed my concerns about being pushed out of MY private domain, and she blows up at me: "It's not fair, you can't do this to me, I knew this would happen." Boo hoo. Guilt trip. Mind you, she has a bedroom and has also taken over my sun room for her crafting. The only privacy I have is in my bedroom. She has pushed me out of my office because everything stinks like cigarettes. I can't study for my nursing school in my office because "shes watching tv and smoking." I told her I needed my office and again, she says I can't do this to her, boo hoo. I just don't know a practical and delicate way to tell her she needs to back off. I didn't buy her a home, I bought me one with a room, (one room) for her. Well, and I conceded in my garden room so she could have "her dream" of a huge 24x24 crafter haven. Help? I mean, I left a dominating husband to come home to be dominated my my aging mother. And before she moved in, I set the boundaries and we talked about it, but once she was here, things changed. I feel defeated, lost, walking on eggshells and am beginning to harbor resentment. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Tell mother that if she lights up another one in your house, she will not be living in your house anymore.
Lay down the law in your house. If you decide to let her remain in your home tell her in no uncertain terms that she will abide by your rules and boundaries or she will be given a 60 day notice to quit and have to move out.
Stop letting her ruin your home with the crafting and smoking. Tell her exactly what every parent has told their child at some point in their lives.
If you live under my roof, you live by my rules.
”Walking on eggshells” in your own home?
SHE hasn’t “pushed (you) out of (your) office”- you GAVE it to her.
And when you tell her that you NEED the office THAT IS YOURS because it is your study site, and you are studying to increase YOUR skills and earning potential SHE CRIES??
If she needs IL or AL, attractive opportunities are available. Also “low income housing”. If she is willing to give these alternatives to leaching off you a shot, she will need to be aware in advance that tears won’t work. Their rules or the sidewalk.
Go back and read over what you’ve written. Then read it again. Then, if you’re still unconvinced that YOU have rights that SHE’S unfairly and unreasonably encroaching on, seek out a therapist for yourself, preferably someone trained in cognitive behavioral therapy.
One thing you don’t have to worry about is your right to “harbor resentment”. Your resentment is fully justified.
Change your perspective on Mom. Get her out of your house. She will probably live to torment you for decades. You are young and deserve to have a good life, hopefully with a loving partner (I met my husband at 49). It isn't just the house and space, Mom is taking over your life. If she loves you she wants you to be happy. If she doesn't feel this way she is either demented or too selfish to live with. Either way, out she goes. I'm suggesting move her out even if she does agree to rules. Having her live with you will probably prevent living with someone else in the future. Please, take your life back and go back to being a loving daughter.
So your mother is 66 and has "age-related decline, anxiety, depression, and lung disease."
Why did you decide to take her in? Do you have siblings? What is her financial situation?
I'm impressed that you are studying to be a nurse, and your mother's selfishness should not get in the way of that goal. I suppose that because you're studying nursing that you are expected to become her caregiver?
Are you even charging your mother anything for rent? Utilities? Food?
You are entitled to insisting that your own home be smoke-free AND to give your mother very strict boundaries as to what she can and cannot do in YOUR home.
Better yet, she should just move out. If she's only 66, she can have a lot of years left to make your life miserable.
Start out by finding a therapist who can help you understand this pattern of behavior of yours.
Your mom is young; I am 68, live independently with a bi-monthly housekeeper and look after myself and my husband. There is no reason that your mother can't do the same for herself.
I would sit down with her and say "mom, this isn't working out; you need to move. By July 1, you need to have your own place. If you'd like help finding one, please let me know. But we can't live together."
You tell mom that she has 2 months to find other housing. Assisted Living, Independent Living, a condo or apartment. Tell her you will help her look.
You tell her that she has overstepped and it is time to move out.
You are a little bit at fault here in that even after you told her that she could not smoke in the house you allowed it in a small room that you used as an office. AND then she "took over" that room as well. No smoking in the house means NO SMOKING IN THE HOUSE. That smoke does not stay just in that room with airflow in houses that smoke goes to every room. And it gets into all soft surfaces as well as drywall. (look up 3rd hand smoke) She should also pay to have that particular room "decontaminated"
If her moving is not an option then you need to set and stick to some hard rules and do not let her cross boundaries that you set. If she crosses the line again I would say that then she HAS to move out.
See I told you as an outsider this was an easy fix.
Now you have to decide what you want to do and what you will tolerate.
If you are going to be a Nurse you are going to meet a lot of different personalities, not all nice. You have to learn how to deal with them. So, Mom is a good start to learn how to assert yourself when needed.
Have a sit down with Mom over the kitchen table across from each other. Look her in the eye and say "Mom this arrangement is not working. You have taken over MY house. So, there either has to be some compromising here or we will need to find you your own place because you seem to need more room than I am wilking to give you. Starting today, I am taking back my office. You will have a bath of your own and your bedroom and your craft area. The living room and kitchen are common areas that are shared. I have found I can no longer tolerate the smoking so you will have to do that outside the house."
Let her Boo Hoo. You know she is manipulating you to get what she wants. Let her rant and rave, do not give in. Sorry Mom this is the way it has to be if u want to live here. My house my rules. Boundries are not boundries if you let her tear them down. She needs you more than you need her. She will realize this when you just walk away and let her think about what you have said.
Your Mom is ONLY 66. I have friends who at 73 are still working. She had a hip replacement and he is a diabetic. Mom's health problems are her fault. You can't have lung desease and continue to smoke. A friend of mine suffers from lung problems because of her fathers smoking growing up, she has never smoked. You may want to tell Mom you do not plan on caring for her physically. That you will not hesitate putting her in a NH if her care gets more than u can handle. You need to work.
Mom should have Medicare. Is she collecting Social Security? If not she can be, you don't have to wait till 67, I started at 62 getting 75% of what I would get at 66. There are HUD apts where you pay 30% of your monthly income for rent. There are resources out there for Mom if she is on her own. Maybe a nice little job would be good for Mom. Could be a hostess job, or a receptionist part-time. Gets her out of the house and cuts down on her smoking.
Once ur back into your office, put a lock on it. I would not put it passed Mom to go in there and smoke and watch TV when ur not home. Read the book Boundries by Townsend and Cloud. My daughter says its a good book. You have the opportunity while you are still pretty young to change your world. This will be the time you find out who YOU are. To be an independent woman you need to learn how to use the word NO.
No, is a one word sentence
From the book Boundries...When using the word No you are not responsible for the reaction u receive.
My new mantra..."I am here to help people find the way, not be the way." This means you help people find the resources, maybe even get them the forms, but its up to the person to carry it thru. Not you doing everything for them only to find out the person didn't take advantage of your efforts.
Good Luck
Because she should be living in her own apartment. She would probably love a senior living environment with planned activities and group get togethers. At age 66, she could be with you for a very long time.
By the way, I’m 68 and taking care of a 92 year old uncle who lived with me for two months before he was promptly removed and lives in an apartment now. Before him I gave care to his deceased wife, both my parents and my brother (ALS). I worked full-time, raised three kids and help with my Autistic grandchild and a pair of twins.
Your mother is not a victim, she is the product of her own life choices.
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