After a failed marriage of 17 years to a narcissist, I moved home to my hometown and bought my first home, 3 bedrooms and 2 baths. I bought a home with an extra bedroom with my mother in mind as she is aging. Her living conditions were anything but desirable and unsafe. She has COPD and smokes like a chimney. She is a crafter. Many social activities with her friends. But she has completely dominated my house. I had my private bathroom in my office (smallest bedroom in my house), my room and the extra room for her. I don't allow smoking in the house, but said she can come in my office to smoke when she can't go outside. She has not "been able to go outside at all." She moved her stuff into my private bathroom in the office, and her recliner. She now uses my office as her private living room and smokes the day away watching the Hallmark channel. I expressed my concerns about being pushed out of MY private domain, and she blows up at me: "It's not fair, you can't do this to me, I knew this would happen." Boo hoo. Guilt trip. Mind you, she has a bedroom and has also taken over my sun room for her crafting. The only privacy I have is in my bedroom. She has pushed me out of my office because everything stinks like cigarettes. I can't study for my nursing school in my office because "shes watching tv and smoking." I told her I needed my office and again, she says I can't do this to her, boo hoo. I just don't know a practical and delicate way to tell her she needs to back off. I didn't buy her a home, I bought me one with a room, (one room) for her. Well, and I conceded in my garden room so she could have "her dream" of a huge 24x24 crafter haven. Help? I mean, I left a dominating husband to come home to be dominated my my aging mother. And before she moved in, I set the boundaries and we talked about it, but once she was here, things changed. I feel defeated, lost, walking on eggshells and am beginning to harbor resentment. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
24x24 crafter haven (with lots of light and a decent heater in it) sounds like a great place to study, no?
Um. I'm probably missing something. But if she actively *chooses* the smallest bedroom in the house with an en suite bathroom attached to it... doesn't that work for you quite well, actually? What prevents your re-appropriating the other rooms?
Your mother is not supposed to be smoking in your house. Take her cigarettes away and post in every single room “No Smoking.” If she cry’s, tell her she has broken the rules and you are not going to allow it in your house anymore. She will have to move out if she can’t follow the rules and good luck in trying to find a place that will accommodate her.
Your mother needs to confine her crafting to the space you designate. The house is yours. You need to charge her rent and tell her the space she is paying for AC nd that so far she has gotten away with a few things but from now on she has to comply or be evicted.
i remodeled my detached garage (400 sq feet) as my craft room and decided for my peace of mind and happiness to give it up to my daughter so I would not have to smell her pets in my house. My sewing room is her old bedroom and a small portion of the basement. I am perpetually trying to rearrange myself so I don’t bother the rest of my family but ever day I wish I had the 400 sq feet, and am happy not to smell her stinky dogs. The trade off is there. I keep thinking that she won’t be here forever or more likely I won’t be here forever - I.e. DH and I will sell the house and move to independent living.
That is another topic for another day.
Let this be a reminder to all people who are considering moving someone into their home who has a completely different lifestyle. IT DOES NOT WORK.
Move the TV out of your office and into her room. That would solve a lot of problems right there. If the office isn't appealing to her, she won't go there.
I agree that you should seek counseling, therapy - maybe a support group - to help you develop skills so that you no longer enable her behavior. Only then will you be able deal with and resolve the situation. It won't be quick or easy. It will be messy & most likely will get worse before it gets better because your mother will fight the "new you." You also will have doubts, but if you follow through, you will gain the self confidence you need to stand up for yourself without feeling that you're betraying the love you have for her.
Good luck.
I know you're in a difficult place.
Boo hoo is JUST FINE. In fact, life is full of moments when tears are great. What is NOT fine is breaking the rules. So time now to have a nice cup of tea and a long discussion about the rules of this, your household.
When you chose a smaller room you said who you are, what you needs are, what your expectations are, and what you will put up with. Problem is that she took your word for it; you are willing to put your own needs last.
I suspect that you knew who Mom is before she moved in. But magical thinking and fantasy took over. It's time now for a dose of reality. Mom won't change. This is your house. The rules need to be obeyed because once you are in a board and care home there isn't a lot of room for crafting.
She "boo-hoos".
So?
So what?
Get over this. Your mother cries to get her way. Stand strong and say, I'm sorry that you're sad, but this is my house that this is MY decision.
If you are going to be a Nurse you are going to meet a lot of different personalities, not all nice. You have to learn how to deal with them. So, Mom is a good start to learn how to assert yourself when needed.
Have a sit down with Mom over the kitchen table across from each other. Look her in the eye and say "Mom this arrangement is not working. You have taken over MY house. So, there either has to be some compromising here or we will need to find you your own place because you seem to need more room than I am wilking to give you. Starting today, I am taking back my office. You will have a bath of your own and your bedroom and your craft area. The living room and kitchen are common areas that are shared. I have found I can no longer tolerate the smoking so you will have to do that outside the house."
Let her Boo Hoo. You know she is manipulating you to get what she wants. Let her rant and rave, do not give in. Sorry Mom this is the way it has to be if u want to live here. My house my rules. Boundries are not boundries if you let her tear them down. She needs you more than you need her. She will realize this when you just walk away and let her think about what you have said.
Your Mom is ONLY 66. I have friends who at 73 are still working. She had a hip replacement and he is a diabetic. Mom's health problems are her fault. You can't have lung desease and continue to smoke. A friend of mine suffers from lung problems because of her fathers smoking growing up, she has never smoked. You may want to tell Mom you do not plan on caring for her physically. That you will not hesitate putting her in a NH if her care gets more than u can handle. You need to work.
Mom should have Medicare. Is she collecting Social Security? If not she can be, you don't have to wait till 67, I started at 62 getting 75% of what I would get at 66. There are HUD apts where you pay 30% of your monthly income for rent. There are resources out there for Mom if she is on her own. Maybe a nice little job would be good for Mom. Could be a hostess job, or a receptionist part-time. Gets her out of the house and cuts down on her smoking.
Once ur back into your office, put a lock on it. I would not put it passed Mom to go in there and smoke and watch TV when ur not home. Read the book Boundries by Townsend and Cloud. My daughter says its a good book. You have the opportunity while you are still pretty young to change your world. This will be the time you find out who YOU are. To be an independent woman you need to learn how to use the word NO.
No, is a one word sentence
From the book Boundries...When using the word No you are not responsible for the reaction u receive.
My new mantra..."I am here to help people find the way, not be the way." This means you help people find the resources, maybe even get them the forms, but its up to the person to carry it thru. Not you doing everything for them only to find out the person didn't take advantage of your efforts.
Good Luck
Tell mother that if she lights up another one in your house, she will not be living in your house anymore.
Lay down the law in your house. If you decide to let her remain in your home tell her in no uncertain terms that she will abide by your rules and boundaries or she will be given a 60 day notice to quit and have to move out.
Stop letting her ruin your home with the crafting and smoking. Tell her exactly what every parent has told their child at some point in their lives.
If you live under my roof, you live by my rules.
You tell mom that she has 2 months to find other housing. Assisted Living, Independent Living, a condo or apartment. Tell her you will help her look.
You tell her that she has overstepped and it is time to move out.
You are a little bit at fault here in that even after you told her that she could not smoke in the house you allowed it in a small room that you used as an office. AND then she "took over" that room as well. No smoking in the house means NO SMOKING IN THE HOUSE. That smoke does not stay just in that room with airflow in houses that smoke goes to every room. And it gets into all soft surfaces as well as drywall. (look up 3rd hand smoke) She should also pay to have that particular room "decontaminated"
If her moving is not an option then you need to set and stick to some hard rules and do not let her cross boundaries that you set. If she crosses the line again I would say that then she HAS to move out.
See I told you as an outsider this was an easy fix.
Now you have to decide what you want to do and what you will tolerate.
”I feel defeated, lost,walking on eggshells and am beginning to harbor resentment”
You sound depressed. Get mad. It’s one step above depressed but only get just mad enough to take action. Don’t stay in depression or anger. It can become habitual. And by the way, what you are doing isn’t helping your mother’s health.
https://chfs.ky.gov/agencies/dail/Pages/default.aspx
Try this link. Call these folks to see if they can help you find your mother another home. You may have to evict her so look up Kentucky rules for eviction.
With her current habits any place she lives will be less than desirable and unsafe FOR YOU. she sounds like she knows how to make herself at home wherever she goes.
You made a 17 yr foray into a situation that wasn’t good for you and you jumped right back into another. Please stop doing this to yourself. Call a therapist today so they can help you understand your need to let someone else mistreat you.
Mom is too young to be content in a bedroom. She obviously wants a larger space for herself. She is not even old enough to be on Medicare! She needs a job. it sounds like she had aspirations Of a crafter but isn’t pursuing it.
If you asked her to come live with you and made some promises that she uses to guilt trip you, then apologize.
Tell her you were wrong to make her think she could live with you and take over your home.
Tell her you will take all the blame but she has to go. Thank her for helping you transition from your Past relationship but that you have it now and she can go live her best life. It’s been two years. You have no idea how quick that can turn into 20 years.
Make a plan. Get support. Follow the law. Get her out. Get you studying for the next phase of your life.
Come here and vent. We will help you. We know it isn’t easy but you can do it.
And to put a more positive spin on things, Mom needed out of where she was. You needed a distraction?
Not sure why you jumped in. Therapy will help find out and just as important help you not do it again.
But regardless, your living together has served its purpose and now you need your own space under your own terms. Thanks mom, you are the best but let’s find a new place for your crafts and Hallmark.
”Walking on eggshells” in your own home?
SHE hasn’t “pushed (you) out of (your) office”- you GAVE it to her.
And when you tell her that you NEED the office THAT IS YOURS because it is your study site, and you are studying to increase YOUR skills and earning potential SHE CRIES??
If she needs IL or AL, attractive opportunities are available. Also “low income housing”. If she is willing to give these alternatives to leaching off you a shot, she will need to be aware in advance that tears won’t work. Their rules or the sidewalk.
Go back and read over what you’ve written. Then read it again. Then, if you’re still unconvinced that YOU have rights that SHE’S unfairly and unreasonably encroaching on, seek out a therapist for yourself, preferably someone trained in cognitive behavioral therapy.
One thing you don’t have to worry about is your right to “harbor resentment”. Your resentment is fully justified.
Start out by finding a therapist who can help you understand this pattern of behavior of yours.
Your mom is young; I am 68, live independently with a bi-monthly housekeeper and look after myself and my husband. There is no reason that your mother can't do the same for herself.
I would sit down with her and say "mom, this isn't working out; you need to move. By July 1, you need to have your own place. If you'd like help finding one, please let me know. But we can't live together."
So your mother is 66 and has "age-related decline, anxiety, depression, and lung disease."
Why did you decide to take her in? Do you have siblings? What is her financial situation?
I'm impressed that you are studying to be a nurse, and your mother's selfishness should not get in the way of that goal. I suppose that because you're studying nursing that you are expected to become her caregiver?
Are you even charging your mother anything for rent? Utilities? Food?
You are entitled to insisting that your own home be smoke-free AND to give your mother very strict boundaries as to what she can and cannot do in YOUR home.
Better yet, she should just move out. If she's only 66, she can have a lot of years left to make your life miserable.