My father died a few months ago and my mom has become very depressed. My mom also has health and mobility issues and only showers when I force her. Sometimes over a month between showers. She can't do her own laundry, can't stand long enough to cook, can't do any housekeeping or make the bed. I do everything for her, including serving her meals in the recliner. She says she can't sit at the table and it's easier to eat in her chair. She never leaves the house and will lie about doctors appointments being rescheduled, etc. She stays in her room until noon and then hobbles to her recliner and watches TV all day. She orders things on Amazon and/or Instacart so she doesn't have to go anywhere. She has great LTC insurance and can move into a wonderful place. But every time I bring up going on a tour she breaks down crying and says she doesn't want to move out of my house. But I work full-time as well as my husband and in a couple months will be going into office 4 days per week. I mostly telework right now so I'm home alot. She cannot take care of herself and my husband and I are so tired and exhausted and fight and have no privacy. How do I talk to her about moving out and not ruin my relationship with her?
Tell her you will help her find a nice AL apartment. Then you and your husband together tell her that she's not living with you anymore. She's manipulating you with the tears and tantrums when you bring up her moving. Tell her plainly that you will not have that nonsense and that she's moving whether she wants to or not. Let her know that if she refuses to look at AL places with you that you will choose for her and she will be moved in without even seeing the place. Then do exactly that if you have to because enough is enough.
I am concerned that the wording that you are using to describe her situation doesn’t match up with what LTC insurance is likely to cover. So, I highly recommend that you read through what the policy covers and see if you can describe covered ADL or cognitive deficiencies that will qualify her claim for payment.
Read about ADLs here. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/amp/186853
Does she refuse to shower or is she unable to groom herself safely? What other two ADLs are problems? (Home care may qualify with two impaired ADLs, but assisted living or memory care may need three to qualify.)
Likewise, she may be covered for cognitive impairment, but not for mental illness, like depression. Both may be present, but her application for coverage should focus on the one that qualifies her for payment.
If she hasn’t had any of these medically assessed already, I agree that POA and health care proxy are essential.
If she actually doesn’t qualify for assisted living coverage, you’ll need to figure out what other alternatives might work. Perhaps an independent living facility with agency caregivers if she has two ADLs, or a board and care that works with the mentally ill. Something that gets her the care she needs and doesn’t require service from you in your home.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness, https://www.nami.org/ may be a good resource.
Kindly, gently and to the point. She is already ruining the relationship with her unreasonable demands on you. Time to let the tears and tantrums flow as long as you make it clear that things are changing and she can make the best of it or be miserable, it won't change the trajectory of her moving to a facility that can give her the care she needs and you can go back to being her daughter.
Why did she spend all that money on LTC insurance if she planned on hijacking your life? She is in the wrong here, not you.
I would try to get her to a doctor . This could be depression and/or dementia . After my father died , my mother’s dementia became more pronounced , along with depression .
You will also need to have a sit down and tell her this is not working out and she needs to go to assisted living . That you can no longer provide the care she needs .
Tell her she needs daily care and you can't be there (and cannot continue to be her servant). She can't expect to live with you and Husband forever. Ask her is that what she expects? Tell her you made vows to your husband, not her. Your priority is your Husband and that's just the way it is. The relationship you have will be ruined if she refuses to move where she needs to be.
She wants to stay with you because she can manipulate you, use you as her servant, and get whatever she wants. She doesn't care about you or your Husband. I bet she doesn't give you a dime as well.
Mom is manipulative and spoiled. You have a perfect excuse for her to leave, now that you are returning to your office! She cannot be left alone, has mobility (falling) issues, and has clearly shown she can't do anything for herself. Working full time and doing everything for her (in what little spare time you have), is simply too much and exhausting!
Sorry Mom, I helped you temporary through your grief, and now I must return to the office, so I keep my job. You are so lucky to have excellent LTC insurance, so let's find you an awesome place! If the crying starts, tell her crying won't change this situation, she has to move for the good of BOTH of you.
If you aren't her FPoA I would take her to an attorney and have her do this. She needs to know that no PoA puts her at risk for getting a court-assigned 3rd party guardian. She can confirm this fact with the attorney.
If you are her PoA then read the document and see what triggers the authority. Usually it is 1 formal medical diagnosis by her doctor. Get this done, then get her out.
Another question is whether she can afford a facility. I would start researching options if she doesn't have a lot of assets. There are still solutions.
She can cry and beg and plead, but mom needs more help than you're capable of giving her. This arrangement was to be temporary, and she's manipulated you into keeping her much longer than originally planned and waiting on her hand and foot to boot. AL is not some house of horrors but a place where she'll get her own apartment with 3 meals a day, aides to help her with everything, activities and social interaction. She can choose to stay in her apartment all day in AL if she'd like, but staying with you is no longer an option. I love you mom, but it's time to change up living arrangements now.
Go see a few ALs and pick one you like best.
Good luck to you.
She probably needs antidepressants. She’s most likely mentally ill and may have dementia. Since you’re a prisoner to her needs, and since you are miserable with the situation, I’d say your relationship with her is already ruined. Therefore, there’s nothing to lose by hanging it all out there. Tell her she can’t live with you, be prepared for the crying, accusations, etc., then tell her again. You will have already chosen where she’s going to go. Hand her the brochure. Tell her that her room is waiting there, and off she goes.
“Oh, but I can’t - “ Yes, you can! It’ll be much easier if she’s already assigned you her POA. If she hasn’t, get it. The alternative is to go on as you are. You must change so she will have to.
PS for all who read this: NEVER NEVER TAKE A PARENT INTO YOUR HOME UNLESS YOU ARE WILLING TO LET THEM LIVE THERE FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY AND BEYOND.
Second, gather the information from the assisted living places, and narrow them down to a few that are the best options for her. Tour them by yourself if she won’t go.
Then tell her that you are going back to the office and will not be home to take care of her and for her safety, she WILL be moving so these are the options. Tell she can either visit them or look at the brochures and websites and make a choice, or you will make the choice for her. Look for a place will do a thirty-day trial period, if possible.
Finally, start leaving the house for the length of time you’ll be gone for your job plus commute, so that she’ll see what it’s like to cope on her own. (Do it on the weekend so you don’t have to miss work.) Stop doing the things for her. Stop doing her laundry. Stop preparing and bringing her meals. Go out with your husband for meals, walks, movies, whatever, since you have no privacy at home.
And go ahead and make the arrangements for her move.
It IS for her safety. And having the company of other residents and staff will help with her depression. So don’t feel guilty.
That's too bad.
I think you will have to gather your courage and tell your mother outright what you need her to do. I would preface it that it would be "ever so nice if we couldn't come to an agreement satisfactory for us both, as without that I will be forced to evict you; I am certain that would ruin our relationship, but the only other option would be that I continue to live what to me is an abysmal life".
You have made a serious mistake in taking your mom in. Let her know you have concluded that and that there is no one to blame but you yourself. Neverytheless you will have to rectify the situation.
Other options?
Keep doing things just as you are, remembering that burning funeral pyres are often a very SLOW burn.
LTC insurance can cover sitters/aides too. Well the money can be used for that I should say. Can you get some help that way so you can go back to work and maybe get some time away with your husband?