My 91 y/o mother passed away early this morning after suffering with dementia and a host of medical problems. She is at peace, as am I. I have been her champion, companion and caregiver for the past 15 years, since my father’s death. I have no idea what to do with myself. The dynamics of my life are dramatically different now. I have put my mother first for so long that I really don’t have a life plan for myself. How do I move forward after so long?
When someone has been a caregiver as long as you have, it will take some time to figure out what your life will look like now. You will wander around for a while wondering what you should be doing, but in time you will figure it out.
Just start taking baby steps in putting yourself first, and eventually you will find that you're living and enjoying your life again.
Your mother would want that much for you, so I wish you well in starting your new life.
You have my sincere condolences. What you feel is utterly normal; you have spent years invested almost solely in thoughts of her because you have had to. It has formed things in your mind. Now retrain your mind to walk out and see and experience the rest of this beautiful world waiting.
Take your time. You've just lost her and need to grieve still. If you are anything like me you'll need to start thinking differently. It's strange when you don't have that other person to consider before you make plans. But you will get there. Don't expect it to happen overnight.
Take care.
In this groundbreaking and “poignant” (Los Angeles Times) book, David Kessler — praised for his work by Maria Shriver, Marianne Williamson, and Mother Teresa — journeys beyond the classic five stages to discover a sixth stage: meaning.
In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first identified the stages of dying in her transformative book On Death and Dying. Decades later, she and David Kessler wrote the classic On Grief and Grieving, introducing the stages of grief with the same transformative pragmatism and compassion. Now, based on hard-earned personal experiences, as well as knowledge and wisdom gained through decades of work with the grieving, Kessler introduces a critical sixth stage: meaning.
Kessler’s insight is both professional and intensely personal. His journey with grief began when, as a child, he witnessed a mass shooting at the same time his mother was dying. For most of his life, Kessler taught physicians, nurses, counselors, police, and first responders about end of life, trauma, and grief, as well as leading talks and retreats for those experiencing grief. Despite his knowledge, his life was upended by the sudden death of his 21-year-old son.
How does the grief expert handle such a tragic loss? He knew he had to find a way through this unexpected, devastating loss, a way that would honor his son. That, ultimately, was the sixth stage of grief - meaning. In Finding Meaning, Kessler shares the insights, collective wisdom, and powerful tools that will help those experiencing loss.
My condolences on the loss of your dear mom. May God guide you towards peace, acceptance and eventually finding a new life for yourself down the road.
I'm sorry for your loss.
You’re mourning a significant loss in your life. It will take time for you to process your grief.
Your mother’s spirit will live in your heart forever.
I was thinking about my mother earlier today and posted poems and quotes in the ‘Discussion’ section for everyone on the forum who has lost someone special.
I will share one that I posted earlier today. It’s called, My Mother Kept a Garden.
My Mother kept a garden
A garden of the heart
She planted all the good things
That gave my life its start
She turned me to the sunshine
And encouraged me to dream
Fostering and nurturing
The seeds of self esteem
And when the winds and rain came
She protected me enough
But not too much because she knew
I’d need to stand up strong and tough
Her constant good example
Always taught me right from wrong
Markers for my pathway
That will last a lifetime long
I am my mother’s garden
I am her legacy
And I hope today that she feels the love
Reflected back from me
Let yourself grieve .
It will take time to reinvent your life .
Seek help at grief support group and/ or therapist if you are not moving forward in your own life after some time of grieving .
You're a very good daughter. Take care of yourself.
I know it sounds blank going forward, but at the same time now is a chance for you to live your life the way you want.
PLEASE know, or at least consider…… she is so in a loving and peace filled life in Heaven right now.
Her spirit is not dead or gone, just back home ♥️
She can hear you, see you and is STILL a huge part of your life.
If I were you, I’d try a grief counselor/ group where others are also coping.
You will meet others, make friends and have support at the same time. Please don’t sit alone too long. You’ve done a wonderful job at caring for someone you loved, be very proud of yourself.
It is your time to find yourself, and you will, you absolutely will!!!
hugs
Look to see if there is a meeting in your area.
Do not rush this.
Do not let anyone tell you.."It's time" "it's been months, get over it" or any of the other things people say to "help"
Then when you are ready you can find something that will sooth your soul and give you a "purpose" and only you will know when you are ready for that to happen. It might be very soon, something you find that will help honor your mom, something that you have always wanted to try, something you have wanted to do.
Now you can rediscover yourself, find out who YOU are.
I am glad you are at peace.
First of all, breathe. You will be so tense after everything you have been through; now you need to spend some time grounding yourself.
Take a walk in the park. Stop at a cafe. Go somewhere that reminds you of a lovely moment with your mum.
Do something small every day to teach yourself how to smile again, without having to be always "on", as you were as a carer.
Just be your mother's daughter, grieving for the mum you loved. Just be you.
When my mother died after 10 years as her caregiver, I was a bit lost too.
Be kind and allow yourself to grieve.
When you are ready, slowly reintroduce yourself to general life.
One of the weirdest feelings I had was when a simple house issue came up and I immediately started thinking about getting someone to sit with my Mom so I can run to the store and get an item to fix the problems...........and I realized that I was free to go anywhere at anytime without having to arrange care for someone else.
It was weird and a bit wonderful.
You'll find things that will be a shock and a joy, too.
I hope this next chapter of your life is a fulfilling and happy one for you. I have no doubt your mother would wish this for you.