Recently I ran out of my anti depressant meds and had to see my psych doc for refills. He spent the entire hour stressing me out. He told me I'm only caring for her "shell" and that her soul is no longer in her body. I didn't tell him but totally disagree with him. My mother knows all of us and can answer most of our questions with a rational answer. For one thing it would be only me trying to find an Alzheimer's care facility. My mother has out lived all her assets and makes too much money (what a joke) to meet Medicaids standards. I have researched all of this over the years and the facility I would choose for her is a Catholic home which will not accept Alzheimer's patients. My mother would know immediately if I was transferring her to a home. Further, she has had pneumonia 5 times and has a very weakened immune system. With the threat of the coronavirus if it were to sicken one patient it wouldn't take long for it to spread throughout the facility. This new flu type virus kills the elderly as we have all probably have been closely following it. What I really need are things I can do to prevent caregiver burnout. Any ideas? Thank you
But that is a bit like asking for good home remedies for burns and scalds while you're still holding tight to the saucepan.
On at least one point I do totally disagree with your psych doctor. How the heck does he know what's become of your mother's soul? Arrogant so-and-so. But even if he were right, even half-right, say it becomes as if your mother's soul is waiting to be released perhaps, the "shell" is very precious and merits excellent care. Where you're wrong is in thinking that only you, and you on your own, can give it.
Your mother would know immediately if you were transferring her to a home... So I should hope. I don't at all agree with tricking people or keeping information from them about where they are to live and who they will be living with; as far as possible, they should be given this information in a way they are able to digest. So I don't understand: why is this an obstacle?
And why would it be only you trying to find a memory care facility?
i understand the burnout. I’m in a 24/7 living arrangement with my mom. Dementia and health problems are changing by the day.
i have some support through family, but at this point for me, it’s not enough.
I am looking at hiring someone for a few hours and I just bought a camera for those urgent errands that I have to run.
self-care is the answer, but it sure isn’t an easy one. Bits complicated.
My prayers are with you.
https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/medicaid-virginians-needing-assisted-living-home-health-care.html
Also contact social services through your county's Dept of Health and Human Services to see if you can get an in-home assessment for services.
You need caregivers who can come in and help you shoulder the load.
You need friends who will support you just by letting you chat about something other than caregiving, but who won't mind being your sounding board for that as well. (I tried not to test my friend's patience too much and was grateful when I found this forum).
You need to make stress relief a priority - I walked a lot and learned how to run, some people turn to prayer or meditation, you need to find what works for you.
I got lots of well meaning advice from people to "go back to being a daughter instead of a caregiver", it infuriated me and made me all the more determined to soldier on. The thing is they weren't altogether wrong but the time just wasn't right for me to hear it, it 'was' a huge relief to step back from that role after I totally flamed out - despite my best intentions my mom lived a year and a half in a nursing home. I will challenge anyone who tries to tell me she was just a soulless shell😠, if your doctor can't empathize with that then perhaps they aren't a good fit for you.
So like suggested, find some resources to help you.
However, he is right, you need to find placement for mom to get your life back. Have you tried to find a place? There are geriatric care managers that will help you find the place that will provide mom the care she needs. Her assets are gerontologist need, her income too high. There are waiver programs that make the qualification possible. The geriatric care manager can help you with that too.
Do what is best for mom's needs and yours.
So finding help is what she needs.
If Mom is low income, try Medicaid for in home care. Then the aide can do the bathing and give u some hours to yourself. You can then run errands go to lunch with a friend. Maybe just take a nap un-interrupted. Go to a park, read a book. If u can afford it, find an aide. Private or an agency. Call your County Office of Aging. They may supply aides.
Come back and tell us how things work out.
I am concerned that your therapist is not listening to you or at least not hearing what you are saying. To spend an hour "stressing you out" and pretty much berating you for your beliefs I think that is outrageous. I would fast be looking for another therapist that will not put additional stress on you at this time.
Now back to mom
If you can and want to keep her at home...great.
The big question is do you have help? Use some of her funds to get a caregiver that will come in ideally at least 1 day a week for a full day, more often would be better. This would give you a break. Use the time to do some errands, a bit of "me" time or just sit and read a book or the paper at a local coffee shop, go for a walk in the park. Just relax!
There are Volunteer Agencies that will also companion sit.
If mom is on Hospice (might want to check into that you may be surprised to find she might be eligible) but Hospice has to have volunteers and they will come and stay with her for a while so you can get out.
And again..find another "therapist"
Freda H. Gordon Hospice and Palliative care
Schedule time for yourself daily
Counseling
Try to maintain order on a daily basis for as long as you can
Watch on YouTube and or listen to meditation beg. of day
Take 5 minutes and write in a note book anything that comes to your mind. Do not read it, no sense at all, keep pen moving
Find humor in movie, game, sing, act silly etc.
Writing on a site like this where you can participate, support and share
Contact: Family Caregiver Resource Center (Orange County 800-543-8312)
Sit outside or walk and really notice nature
Exercise YouTube
Free class or listen to a book and music. All you need is a library card
Volunteer
New Hobby
Baby Steps for all
You are not alone !
Your psych doctor is looking out for YOU. Taking care of your mother has affected your life immensely. Haven't you been hospitalized because of it? Didn't you have a breakdown?
If you won't consider ever placing her in a facility, then not much is ever going to change.
What I'm trying to say here is; you can't keep this up. And why would you even want to? Giving care to an elderly parent in the best scenario is still hard work, never mind a parent with dementia. I get it. I've been there. My mother lived with me for 12 years until she had a stroke and she had no other recourse but to go to a NH. I have to work a full time job as I am divorced and only have my income to pay my bills. My siblings are useless, BTW. Of no help....ZERO.
I don't think anyone is being selfish when the time comes where a parent needs FT care. And they shouldn't feel guilty about it either.
So stop beating yourself up and start looking into LTC for your mom. She will be fine. You can visit every day, take her out for a ride, or go to lunch. But at least you will have that time to yourself to take care of your own life. I don't mean to sound harsh, but there comes a time when you have to realize; you just can't do it anymore. The burden of care giving has taken its toll. Accept it and do what's best for you and your mom.
I wish you well.
If this is a psychiatrist then I am, to be frank, quite surprised at his or her response. It seems to me not quite rational over all. Surely they are aware of clinical depression that they cannot pinpoint to a "stressor" that can be relieved. LIFE is STRESSFUL. Right now you need help dealing with it. You may need to consider a more enlightened doctor, in my humble opinion.