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My sister has POA of my mother, and now shut me out. She’s removed my name from all med records & refuses to let me see our mother. Our mother is bed fast & lives with my sister and is 80% aphasic & can’t confirm identifiers. Only after gettin to see her in the Hospital a few weeks ago, i realized why my sisters keeping her from me, she’s not bathing her properly and isn’t caring for her contracted hand that’s completely curled under wrist. Asking my sister why she’s not providing proper care, angered her & since she lives with my sister? she won’t answer my calls & when i attempt to see her, she sees me & let’s me keep knocking, never opening door. i don’t have 10k for retainer to file for guardianship, as i know she’ll contest it. i feel she’s letting our mother waste away & she tells our mother im trying to come put her in a nursing home, which ISNT TRUE! But now my mom seems afraid to see me??? IM DESPERATE FOR HELP!!

Despite these people looking down on you, not knowing anything about it, turn to the authorities. I doubt that power of attorney gives anyone the right to restrict your visitors.
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Geaton777 7 hours ago
Actually, it does. Especially if the visitor creates has a negative impact on the person or that person's care.
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If you saw your mother unbathed in the hospital several weeks ago, the staff had other medical priorities related to her care. Your sister probably doesn’t have a life of her own having to deal with your mother who is likely a full-time job. I suggest that you apologize, and offer to do whatever you can to lighten her load. Criticism doesn’t go over well with a caregiver who is surely exhausted and overwhelmed.
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Your sister sounds like a control freak and that raises a lot of red flags to me. No POA gives anyone the right to block visitors especially other children. A POA is to act in the best interest of the person not in their own interest.

Sis is probably feeding Mom lies about you which is why she seems afraid now. Go to a consultation with a lawyer to see what your options are. You should also try to make sure sister is listed as a representative payee for mom’s SS because they don’t recognize POA to handle mom’s money.
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LakeErie Dec 21, 2024
The Rep Payee is determined by SSA and may or may not be PoA.
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It sounds to me that your sister is making some income out of this situation and keeping you at arms length / out of the picture for this reason / objective.

As many others have said, I would encourage you to contact an attorney. I wonder though - why you haven't considered / done this already?

Clearly, your sister doesn't know the level / quality of care needed for your mother or she doesn't care - or both. I sense there is a financial rat here. Perhaps it is free rent - and/or more ... ?

Call Adult Protective Services and tell them what is going on; ask them to make a house call to assess the situation.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Isabelsdaughter Dec 21, 2024
Agree
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It sounds to me like your sister is spiteful and nasty.
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TouchMatters Dec 21, 2024
Yes, of course. The question is how can this sister handle the situation for the welfare / best care for her mother.
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Start with a visit to a lawyer that specializes in elder law or family law. Since you have concerns that your loved one is suffering neglect, you could also notify the authorities. If they find probable cause, your loved one would be taken to a hospital for evaluation and treatment. A guardian ad litem might be appointed to oversee her care. Then, you could see her but the guardian would make all medical decisions for her.
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TouchMatters Dec 21, 2024
Thank you. Couldn't the sister, then - possibly become the POA - since neglect was determined with the other sister?
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Paritchie: Contact APS.
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TouchMatters Dec 21, 2024
Just to clarify for some who do not know.
APS is Adult Protective Services (yes, I suggested this too).
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My siblings did the same thing to me, with my father, who died before I could reach him.

His wife always hated me, so she blocked me (by bribing my siblings with (cash, art-work, real-estate etc).
His sister let me know his location, but it was too late, he died as I was en route to see him.
Maybe contact an elder law attorney, to get help?
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TouchMatters Dec 21, 2024
No maybe about it.
This writer needs to contact an attorney yesterday.
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My sister did this too. It is illegal to bar other siblings even if the sister has POA. Your mother needs to be in a nursing home. Caring for a bedridden person takes skill I was a CNA once in college. This sister is putting herself up for legal risk. Anything could happen. Bed sores could happen. Infections from lack of being clean. Yes many elderly people don't like being bathed. My own mother who could shower on her own refused to do it more frequently. She ended up giving herself E.Coli. She got confused for several days. She refused any suggestions to make her shower safer. Using wet wipes to be cleaner etc. She is her own worst enemy. And i have a sister just like this but she lives across the country and does nothing but has threatened me many times if I contact my mother. The person who said contact your sister's attorney is correct. Unless that attorney has reason to make big bucks off your family.
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TouchMatters Dec 21, 2024
Some people with dementiia has a fear of drowning - in the water / shower.
Yes, this sister needs an attorney specializing in elder law asap.
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My heart is breaking for your mother. Our elder loved ones want peace as they enter this phase of their lives.

There is a movement called Supported Decision Making. It’s a process where parties are brought together in a conflict resolution type meeting that is facilitated. You have some family dynamics going on here that would be better addressed by professionals in the psychology realm versus law enforcement and legal system.

I would check with any free legal elder services as well as your county/state to see if something like that would be available to you.

Lawyers are expensive and the legal system is painful and drawn out.

Our elders deserve a more expeditious resolution than courts provide.

I feel your pain as I witnessed manipulation and emotional abuse of my parents. My father was dead 3 months after my siblings had him sign me off as his health care agent. It’s heartbreaking but so is the let down of the legal system.
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Jada824 Dec 22, 2024
Susanora,
Sorry to hear what you went through. I went through something similar with my sibling. The only help I got to see my mom was when she was placed in a nursing home after a hospital stay when she got Covid.
When my brother wouldn’t let me see her I contacted Alliance for long term care & they told the nursing home that I had every right to see her. My brother had lied to them & told them there was a no contact order against me for elder abuse which wasn’t true. I finally got to see her 4 times before she passed.

APS & the legal system are a joke & the police say it’s a civil matter.
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Wow. No one on this thread knows exactly what is going on here. Family dynamics can be complicated, and I have a great deal of compassion for you, as well as your mother and sister. Perhaps you can start by, as they say, “Leading with curiosity“. It is very difficult to bathe someone who does not want to be bathed even when bed ridden, and your sister may feel that it is kinder to your mom to let her smell than to bathe her more than necessary if your mom is upset by the process. She may also be doing the best she can for the contraction, but as others have pointed out, progress may be very limited. It’s unclear from your post whether your sister has any aides or other help, but either way, caregiving is extremely strenuous both physically and psychologically. I have no idea why she would tell your mother that you want to put her in a nursing home, but she may feel that you don’t understand how difficult the circumstances are, or she may think that you will try to turn your mother against her. Perhaps try to offer specific kinds of help, rather than a general question about what she needs. For example, you could ask if it would be helpful for you to stop by to help with the bathing sometime, or to do the laundry. (I know in my mother’s case the odor transfer between her and her clothes is a big issue.) Or perhaps she needs a break from cooking. A little compassion all around may go a long way, I hope you can find a way to start gently, and escalate only if that fails. This is so hard, I’m so sorry you are going through this!
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TouchMatters Dec 21, 2024
This situation is way beyond 'offer specific kind of help' - and approaching 'gently.' The red flags are here and an intervention needs to happen.

To find out what is happening, Adult Protective Services should be called along with this sister engaging an attorney - yesterday.

This isn't about compassion. It is about the welfare and best care for the mother, which is not happening.
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Call the Attorney your sister is using. That might stir the pot. You may have to reach out to the local Department of Aging. I would be worried too.
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This is a breach of duty of the POA and is , if not technically illegal, valid cause for removel of the POA person
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gwinnyb Dec 21, 2024
Indeed this is beyond the scope of POA paperwork!!! It is illegal to restrict visitation by relatives, POA paperwork allows you to take care of monetary and business affairs for the incapable person. I was and am the POA for my husband of 25 years with dementia. His daughters attempted to assume guardianship for monetary gain ( he has no money but lives off of my retirement and social security). I had to challenge them in court to assume guardianship. I am now his legal guardian and POA, however even that status does not allow me to restrict their visitation. In fact, I MUST file detailed yearly legal paperwork that is sent to them by the court to report his status to them. Incidentally, they are so very interested in his welfare that they have not visited him for 2 years, though they live less than 20 miles away. He does get a card from them for father's day at this point. Prior to my becoming POA they saw him twice a year so he could take them out to lunch on their Birthdays and Father's day. I was never acknowledged or welcomed at these limited visitations. My concern is for his welfare, yet I am obligated to keep his daughters informed of all situations that arise with him whether they demonstrate interest or not, because I am his legal guardian. You must call adult/ elderly protective services, and legal aid fir limited cost help
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This is a repeat, apologies !Wow. No one on this thread knows exactly what is happening here. Family dynamics can be complicated, and I have great compassion for you as well as for your Mom and sister. I do think it is worth considering “leading with curiosity” here. It’s not that easy to bathe someone who doesn’t want to be bathed, even when bedridden, and your sister may feel it’s kinder for your Mom to let her smell than to try to bathe her more often than absolutely necessary if your Mom gets upset by the process. As others have noted, she may be doing the best she can for the contracture, but there’s a limit to improvement. It’s also unclear if your sister has any aides or other help with your Mom, but either way, caregiving is strenuous and exhausting, both physically and psychologically. Of course I don’t know why your sister may be telling your mother that you want to put her in a nursing home, but she may feel that you really don’t understand how difficult the circumstances are, or that you will try to turn your Mom against her. Maybe specific offers of help rather than general inquiries, like, “would it be helpful for me to come by to help with bathing? Or to do the laundry? Do you need a break from cooking?” Start with the gentlest approach, and then escalate if necessary. This is so hard, I’m so sorry you are going through this!
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She needs reporting
work out tho what plans for your mother if anyone deems her an unfit carer
she may be just overwhelmed needing help
either way you won’t know as she’s shut down communications
has your mother money - could that be a reason also fir her controlling things controlling money
seek legal advice
depending on your overall relationship with your sister maybe if it was reasonable prior to reproach her with a letter saying apologies if your words were blunt you meant no offence but you are concerned she is overloaded and you’d like to help ?
maybe
only you know your sisters temperament
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Call Adult Protection if she is being neglected.
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I’m sorry. I’m truly amazed at responses. If you feel something is wrong. Then something is wrong. And if you can’t get a clarification. Do what you have to do. If the judge assigning someone and it for the betterment of your mother. Good! You don’t have to suck up your pride. You kiss the ring. My sister is doing the same. Mom before she passed told me this was coming. Mom refused my sister’s attempt to sign POA of dad over to her. I now have a PPO because my sister needs to keep me away from dad. So, with vascular dementia she had him sign saying trying to kill him or harm him. I a move back and took care of both mom and dad since 2016. Never been to jail, never had a ticket, had a CPL, 10 years in the Air Force, bachelor degree and master’s. I have mentor kids since 2005 in school and homeless. Now I’m just going to up a harm the man who made me who I am. Who taught me what service to the community means. The system requires you to filed in court. I would. The state assign attorney will be non-bias and address the issues. It's considered isolation and that's illegal. Just do your research and make the right decision for you and your mom.
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The conjecture is not a telltale sign of poor caregiving. There may be a reasonable explanation for the bathing too. My MIL took very good care of my FIL but the last few months of his life his hand began to conjecture severely. His skin was so fragile it was only gentle wipes to cleanse him and he did have an mild odor but not due to neglect.

If you truly believe it is an unsafe environment for your mother then call APS. however, if your sister is cleared dont be surprised if she continues to prevent you from seeing mother. She has all legal right to prevent you on her property.

In my view, you need to extend the olive branch in order to visit ypur mother. With her illness do you really want to have no contact?
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The only one that can state she does not want you to visit is her. It's considered isolation and that's illegal. However i agree with comments stated. Sometimes we think that horrible things are happening and they may not be the issue. Try to talk with your sister and offer to give her much needed breaks. If she agrees then ask her how to help not tey to take control. Taking care of a loved one 24/7 is not as easy as some may think. Show your sister that you care for her as much as you care for mom.
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Pat, I am sorry you are going through this. To be honest, for me anyways it's is impossible to know exactly what's going on, because this is just one side.

You may be right your sister may not be bathing mom enough, but what is the other side? Is mom not being bathed because your sister is going 24/7 waiting hand and foot on mom, and sis is so exhausted that she just can't take anymore.

Should of, could of , would of? The best thing that you could have done is maybe , think without emotions and asked your sister if she needs help, before accusing her.

But all this can not say your wrong, or sister is wrong. Id say you have two choices , call APS, or swallow your pride and tell your sister that you want to make things better and start helping more. Then you would be around at least to help and to know if there is large neglect.

Best of luck
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Anxietynacy Dec 11, 2024
Just to add, I also see the hand contractor, the least of your sister problems to deal with.
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I’m really surprised at some of these people’s reactions! Some of us have evil siblings that have control issues. My brother did this to me with my Dad. He was always jealous of me. Calling Adult Services is a waste of time. My Dad was never changed properly, or bathed properly, and my brother didn’t feed him when he was supposed to. I did find out that the police will show up and you can see your parent. That is how it is in the state of Missouri. I know times are tough but try not to get an Atty. I wish you the best! God Bless!
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I'd be seriously angry too if I were doing the terribly hard caregiving for such a seriously ill elder, and heard from my sister how bad a job I was doing because of a contracture that's not fixable!! Had the hospital seen signs of neglect or mistreatment, as mandated reporters, they'd have reported your sister to APS themselves.

I agree with Alva. You're out of line here. Apologize to your sister and see how you can help her with this huge burden instead of telling her what she's doing wrong. Living with and caring for an elder in this condition is hell on earth.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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You can put a call into APS and tell them you suspect your mother's care is being neglected and her POA (your sister) refuses to allow you to visit your own mother.

Bedbound people get contractures. Your mother should be in a care facility. Neither you not your sister should have her in your homes. She needs a staff.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Your sister is the POA and the caregiver.
The worst you have to say is about a contractured hand. Your mother is dying, and THAT is what you are worried about? Because other than a small, folded soft cloth to keep nails from digging in and to prevent yeasts from talking up housing in the moisture of this hand there is little to NOTHING to be done about this.

Why in the WORLD would you want guardianship? It's clear sister is the caregiver. She likely dislikes you at the least fears you at the worst.

Here's what you can do if you really care.
Write a letter to sis:
"Dear Sister:
I am throwing myself upon your mercy.
I clearly gave offense and when I think it over I had a lot of nerve suggesting ANYTHING to you when YOU are doing all the care for our Mom. Now I have somehow offended you and scared Mom and I am so dreadfully sorry. I can't imagine I had the nerve to criticize anything when I do so little.
I beg you to give me another chance.
And please, let me help. Make an amazon wish list of something so I can send you supplies you need. Create me a shopping list and I will come with groceries. Let me deliver you food or food cards from a place you like. Tell me what you need. When you trust me let me give you a few days off so I can take on the care; let me hire someone for you a day a week.
I am so sorry. Let me help. If I offend you again tell me to leave and I will do so at once. Love, your Sis.

There you go. My suggestion for peace.
Or hey, you can always come up with that 10K. I think actually that's cheap today. Was the standard about 5 years ago. Bet you could double it today, and you would, of course, lose in court.
OR
You can call APS for a wellness check if you REALLY want to be locked out forever. Because they will ask you for proof and if this contractured hand is what you have? Not good. And if they visit sister will know who sent them. And when APS tells you "no case" you will likely get a restraining order with your next pounding at the door.

Now, you MAY have something you didn't tell us. Squalor or meanness or neglect. But if not, my final word here is OMG, your POOR sister. I hope mom left her EVERYTHING. But most often the case is that nothing is left, and mom leaves only memories of pain behind. I think that your sister has taken on a job that is likely more than she should or could do without help; that isn't mine to judge if she is doing an adequate job; she isn't the one who wrote us.
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BurntCaregiver Dec 11, 2024
@Alva

Clearly the sister is unable to provide and hasn't been providing adequate care for the mother if her hands have contracted so badly. That doesn't happen in one day. As we both know there are special gloves and fabric braces that can be used for a bedbound person getting contractures. Also frequent repositioning and exercizing the person twice a day or more can help prevent them. Sometimes they happen anyway.

My friend, you know I've seen every family dynamic there is. When one adult child is caregiving and won't allow the other (or others) to even visit, it's usually because there's something they don't want anyone seeing. Like neglect.

The OP should take to someone over at APS.
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If you suspect abuse or neglect call your States Elder Abuse hotline.
I will mention though if your mom was in the hospital a few weeks ago the medical staff are MANDATED reporters of abuse. If they suspected there was a problem they would have reported it and possibly not released her until they were sure there was no abuse.
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Call APS and report a suspicion of neglect or abuse.
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