When suggesting the idea she flatly refused wanting to go and said we can bring hers back to her. She lives with my sister. Being retired I'm her caregiver during the day & sister takes charge after working hours. Mother is not where she wants to be, can't live alone, can't cook, can't remember to take meds, doesn't remember days or date of the week. She refuses having lunch or dinner with us so have to take it to her twice a day. We though this would be nice in going out for the holiday and eating together what do we do? Continue to give in or insist this is something she is going to do with us. She cannot be left alone for fear she'll try to leave on her own,yet we feel like prisors in our own homes.
Mom didn’t really want to go but he was her Golden Child so she said okay to make him happy.
I had tried to warn him against it as I knew my mom was loosing her ability to use eating utensils - plus she was double incontinent and had lost the ability to know when to ask to be taken to the bathroom or to know that she had gone in her Depends - that a change would be a good idea.
But - my brother always thought he was smarter than all us regular folk - still does - and said it would be fine - that he could handle it. What did I know anyhow? Up to that point I had been looking after her for five years and up until a couple of months prior to this holiday his participation consisted of two hour long visits a month.
Anyhoo- mom ate mainly with her fingers - even the mashed potatoes. She also had wet through her Depends so completely that urine was dripping down the legs of the chair. This wasn’t discovered until brother was helping her up to leave and found that she was drenched from the waist down.
Of course brother called me afterwards- completely mortified and horrified. Such a nice phone call to cap off my first Christmas sans mom in longer than I could remember. Misery loves company and I guess he felt the need to degrade my - up until that call - peaceful and calm day.
BUT- what really made it worse for me was not that brothers holiday had been ruined. Not that my holiday had been stripped of peace. It was that I knew - that my mom prior to her dementia- would have been completely and totally humiliated by what had happened. What had happened to her - is the way I look at it. Since I told my brother how this was gonna play out - had he listened to me it could have been avoided.
I guess in this case - my mother not really understanding the extent of what had happened was a blessing. But still - I wish her dignity had been spared. Mom would have been happy to have gone to his house for dinner - or even eating a catered dinner in her room with some family around her.
Listen to your mom if she’s saying she doesn’t want to go out. If you think it’s a ploy - get a sitter and go out with your sister and enjoy. If her reason is sincere - bring in a catered meal. It need not be fancy or expensive. Restaurants like Shari’s do the full meal deal at a very reasonable cost.
You don't say how old mom is...I know as my mom hit her 90s, she was perfectly happy in her apartment and would tell me that frequently. I'd want to take her out to see some different scenery and be around others, but it wasn't as important to her as it was to me. Mom was more of a loner. If your mother is that way, I'd try to figure out how to let her stay at home.
I know what Dad means about the noise levels in restaurants. That is one reason I don't eat out. Olive Garden has carry-out which we have been using for the past 5 years, it work great, and we get to have our own private quiet table at home :)
Something to think about.
Edit: if she wasn't prone to wandering, I would honestly say let her stay home if she doesn't want to go out, and go enjoy yourselves. If you can afford a caregiver, even this once, I would suggest hiring one....just to get the break.
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