my sister has primary caregiving responsibilities for my Mom. She put Mom into a nursing home about 3 years ago. Mom was living with me when she was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s, but decided after a couple of years that she wanted to go back home (I live 6 hours away). My mom leans on my sister exclusively and calls her all the time - she will not call me. My sister does not like to go to the nursing home and most of the time will send others. She retired in late 2023 with the plan that it would give her more time to go see mom. But it can be many weeks between physical visits - she lives 20 minutes away. I go see Mom monthly and call her 3-4 times a week. A few months back, my sister had a health scare and said she had to pull back from caring for Mom - so I hired a caregiver to go into the nursing home a couple of days a week - that’s still in place. My sister is the poc for the nursing home. My sister seems to be experiencing compassion fatigue- she just doesn’t want to be bothered with Mom’s care. And I am resentful. Even though Mom does not live with her - and she doesn’t work - she seem to be overwhelmed and does not wants to go spend time with her. Mom is in the middle stage of dementia and is scared - and my sister can be short with her. I see that the nursing home is the safest place for Mom - but it drives me crazy to have her there. What can I do long distance to help my sister and how can I help protect and care for my Mom given my sister’s disinterest? This is ruining my relationship with my sister. I feel she has the time and Mom depends on her. I have considered bringing Mom back to live with me or renting a place there so I can physically be there more. But I’d have to turn my life upside down and sstill probably couldn’t afford it. We have been told moving her will only confuse her more. And her needs have changed so much. Any recommendations?
I'm with your sister on this one. She probably has caregiver ptsd. Give her space. If she feels up to seeing mom she will, if she doesn't that's her choice for what is best for her right now since your mom has care. She is where she needs to be.
If she has compassion fatigue that's understandable and I think the best thing you can do right now is have compassion for her. She has a right to have a life that doesn't revolve around caring for someone who already has care.
Stop judging your exhausted, overwhelmed sister and be grateful she's stepped up to do anything, ever. That's my suggestion. So many siblings stay 100% out of the caregiving picture 100% of the time. She sounds in need of compassion herself right now, tbh.
What you can do to help your sister is either move mother into your home or into a SNF closer to where you live.
Good luck to you.
Obviously their care contract is null and void; her sister has the right to terminate their contract.
OP is very rigid which I don’t understand. The very clear answer is to move mom back by OP so OP can give mom the attention OP feels mom deserves.
And you are very right about how the stages are different. Sister sounds mentally exhausted and depressed and sister has the right to not go see her mom if she can’t handle it.
All OP is doing with her judgements of her sister is adding to her sister’s stress. If OP can do it better, then OP needs to step up and do that. Problem solved.
You both have paid your dues and now it's time for you and your sister to live and enjoy your lives to the best of your ability, and if that means that you sister doesn't go on regular basis to see your mom....well so be it.
If you feel that someone needs to be visiting your mom more often then perhaps you should go more often or rent a small apartment or Airbnb near her so you can spend more time with her.
But don't try guilting your sister into doing something that she's just not prepared to do, as she has more important things on her plate right now, namely her health. That will only widen the rift.
You can make decisions for what YOU do, but really cannot make decisions for your Sister. She will speak with you about her choices, and it really is up to you to support those choices. Your mother is in care. She will not be happy about that. Old age is grief and loss. But neither can you MAKE her happy with constant coming at her beck and call.
We have a daughter that comes in once or twice a year for a week or two while I take off and go skiing or whatever. My next break may be to Branson, Missouri. That's a wonderful relief that helps keep me sane.
I am where your sister is now. I live in California and rent an apartment in NYC so that I can be near my 96 y/o father (who is in a LTC facility) for big chunks of time. He has mild dementia and a plethora of health issues that don't seem to be life threatening. I was hoping that my father will have passed by the time my lease is up on July 31st. It does not appear that it will happen the way I hope.
After 5 years of traveling cross country for caregiving, I am done. I have no intention of renewing my lease and will be drastically cutting down my visits to a week or so every three months. I can't afford it anymore and I am tired of living out of a suitcase. I don't feel much compassion anymore. I didn't realize when I started this routine in 2020 that this slog would go on as long as it has.
You need to accept that . Your sister is not choosing to do less . She literally can’t do what she was doing before . Many of us make commitments regarding caregiving that we end up breaking due to burn out .
If you were in your sister’s shoes you very well could be burned out . I think you need to give your sister grace . She’s doing the best she can right now . Watching a LO’s decline can be harder for some than others . The far away relatives also tend to be critical of those with boots on the ground . Swooping in with advice . The close by person has more stress than the far away person who gets to live their life more removed from it .
Either move Mom to a nursing home near you , or accept the situation as it is. You can’t force your sister to visit .