I am an only child. My Father passed in 2016 and my Mother moved to NM to be close with two of her sons from her first marriage. In January 2022 she fell and broke her hip, recovered well and then has a stroke. No one contacted me and as I hadn't heard from her for a couple of days I rang the police and they told me she was at a hospital. My mother didn't put my name down as an emergency contact so it was near impossible for me to get any information. In late January 2022 her son emailed me a most toxic horrible email stating how he hated her, my Dad and me. He signed some papers and she was put into a nursing home some 108 miles away from her home.
To cut a long story short, some how he has managed to sell her home and gain full control over her finances. He will not allow my Mother to see her bank statements. I emailed him asking for transparency but he told me to F off. I live abroad and am very concerned he is spending her money. Mom is very confused and can't remember much, making it even more difficult. I fear my Mother will die soon and she has lost the will to live and being at this nursing home is **** on earth. She wanted her check book to buy sweat pants but her son said she didn't need a check book. When she does die I fear her 'will' will not be adhered to, which was money my Dad had worked all his life for. Don't know what to do, and that's why I'm here on this forum. Any advice would be so gratefully appreciated.
Your half-brother has to have POA or guardianship to sell Moms house. Those proceeds are probably being used to pay for her care in a NH that probably costs 10k a month. As POA/guardian, he cannot tell you anything about Moms financials. He represents Mom so that info is private. If she needs Medicaid in the near future, there is a 5 yr look back so any large sums of money coming out of her acct will be questioned. Those deductions will need to be backed up showing that the money was used for Mom. If not, then there will be a penalty and brother would have to pay for her care or do the caring himself until the penalty was met. So taking money for himself personally, will only cause problems for him later.
You can't just place a person in a NH because you feel like it. They must meet criteria of 24/7 care with a Dr's order. Since ur overseas, maybe you have no idea how Mom has declined. Even Dementia patients can "showtime" meaning they seem normal for a short period of time.
How is your Mom going to buy sweatpants in a NH? If its one of those outfits that go around to NHs selling clothes, they are very very expensive. She can't order on-line because checks are not used on-line. She also does not need a checkbook, debit card or credit card in a NH. Residents wander and tend to pick up things from other rooms and sad to say, some staff members may not be honest. And you are getting your info from a woman who may have Dementia and is confused.
I think you need to go see Mom before you can determine what is really going on. If brother has POA not much u can do. Guardianship...that was assigned by a Court Judge and that would be hard and expensive to change.
Mom's relationship with her kids was mainly by the phone. They did not invite her to live near them but rather she wanted to live close to her favourite son. I though for 6 years everything was lovely and fine, until this last January when I received and email from XX saying how much he hated her. He also despised my Dad and as I am my Father's daughter I too am despised. Ironically though XX loves my Dad's money.
You should hire a lawyer, but one in the city/town where she is, not where you are.
I can only wish you luck. This is going to be tricky. We don't have enough information about your 'brother' to make any kind of decision or to really give you advice.
Likely mom would love an actual visit from you.
(((Hugs))))
I take it that, aside from the direct communication from step-brother, your information is coming from your mom.
My mom had a stroke and developed Vascular dementia shortly thereafter. It took me a loooooong time to realize that she was no longer a "reliable reporter".
If brother is mom's POA, and mom is no longer competent to be in charge of her affairs, he may have sold her house to fund her NH care. Totally legit.
Is mom on. Medicaid? If so, she may have only a small personal needs allowance to pay for stuff like clothing, haircuts and the like.
Can you contact the social worker at the nursing home and ask if she can have mom sign a HIPAA release so that you are privy to medical info? And ask her how mom's clothing supply is?
2) Put together a concise, easy as possible to read statement of the issues, and narrative of the history with times and dates. State clearly what your questions to the lawyer are. Don't leave out important details, but trim as much as possible, anything that's not necessary. The better you prepare this, the better your answers, and lower costs.
My BIL did the same thing , would not let other brother see bank statements. ( we believe POA was borrowing money ) That brother turned the POA brother in to adult protective services because POA brother bought a car for over $40000 for mom in memory care.. after all the hella boo APS determined he was legally ok, but told him that he’s not done things in the best interest of his parents…
Now that I've read your situation and see that it was deemed by the APS that spending 40k on a car is ok, really worries me. and to think your BIL only got a pat on the wrist is appalling. If I were to get a lawyer I fear it would cost me greatly and that I would lose in the end.