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I would just go back to SC and let the chips fall where they may.

One thing I want to say, don't offer your children as caregivers. IMO, if there are children who can care or do for a parent, they should be doing it. But don't expect your kids to give their time helping or caring for a grandparent. They are in the beginning of their lives establishing jobs and families. Its nice if they are willing to help, just don't expect them to.

We have so many grandchildren who come her asking for help. Somehow, familty feels they are the good choice to care for a grandparent because the children have jobs and lives. In the meantime, the grandchild can't continue their schooling, get a job or have a relationship, its sad.
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Bulldog54321 Jan 23, 2025
Seriously, I would cut my own mother off is she offered me up as a caregiver to a narcissist, destructive horrible woman.

You don’t get to offer up your adult children into slavery because you are tired of unnecessarily driving up to see a cold hearted awful woman.
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You are providing your mother with what she wants, someone to complain to and put down. For some reason she thinks she needs to do that, probably because she is deeply unhappy. I like Jenny's idea of just once a month calls and some help with finding food delivery for her and her sisters - their money, not yours. See if her attitude changes, but do not take her into your happy home. She'll ruin it. She likes to ruin relationships, so don't give her that chance. Also, she probably likes being with her sisters, so until they can't or won't care for her any longer, let it be for now.
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Smoochez65 Jan 24, 2025
Thank you that’s exactly what I am going to do today was my birthday. I was a little sad but I got over it my husband and my children and grandchildren all came over and celebrated with me. I feel less guilty now. I just felt like that was something I had to do because she was my mom regardless of how mean and nasty she has always been to me even before she got sick she just seemed like she was always jealous of me and my husband’s relationship. But she told me today she was going to be staying at her sisters house in Jersey so I said good I am glad yall are working things out. And I will talk to you later. I am glad you are feeling better.
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I am not an expert, but it sounds like your mom has been struggling with a mental health condition for some time. I encourage you to find a qualified therapist who can help work through these issues. In the meantime, instead of just cutting your mom off, why don't you just limit your contact to once a month telephone calls and things like ordering groceries for delivery or arranging for housecleaners, etc.? This way you won't feel guilty about cutting her off but will also not be subjecting yourself to further abuse.
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Jennyjenjen Jan 23, 2025
I just want to clarify that I was suggesting you get the therapist for yourself, not your mom.
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“My mom and her sisters want me to leave my husband who I have been happily married to for over 30 years and come up there and take care of her indefinitely.”

That alone says how little they regard you. No family members who love you would even entertain the thought! Step back.
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She has made her choice. Let her live with that choice and stop putting yourself into her line of fire. Just let her go. And please start therapy. You need to figure out why you can’t let go of this abusive relationship. You don’t deserve to be treated this way by anyone.
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Let her stay with her sisters and cut her off. She has made you physically sick with her nastiness? She deserves NOTHING from you.
You made vows to your husband, not her. You have your own family to take care of, so don't even consider bringing her to live near you!
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Beethoven13 Jan 26, 2025
Luckily she Has sisters who can take care of her and assume responsibility. This is very fortunate. Let them. As many have advised, it’s best for you to back off and focus on your own family. Let mom and her sisters make their own way. How incredibly selfish of them to assume you into being their caregiver. I don’t have a husband or children and I have relatives who think I should be the caregiver. It makes me furious when I realize how little they value me and my life, and passions. It’s lucky your mother has her sisters. Leave it to them to be the caregivers.
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Go no contact. No one has time for abuse. Stop trying to gain her love and affection— it’s never going to happen.

Stop breaking your back and your cars by trying to wait on her hand and foot. LET. HER. FAIL.

And give your husband the respect he deserves but cutting this toxic, miserable and abusive woman out of his life too. He must be a saint to put up with this.

DO NOT EVER MOVE HER BY YOU.

I say this as someone who has been in therapy off and on since I was around 21– please do something good for yourself and find a trauma therapist to work out why you have no boundaries. Not only do you keep going back for more, you are insisting she move by you. Honestly, that is disturbing. Why would you make such a bad decision like that and do that to your sweet family?
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Please stop putting your nice husband through this! Why on earth would you bring a mean mother even closer to you? Do you expect her being closer will somehow make her nicer to you and your husband? She’s clearly shown you who she is, for many years, please believe her and leave her to it. It’s a miracle your husband will drive to see her at all, it’s totally unfair to expect this of him. Let you mother stay where she is, let her figure out her own plans for care, and live your own life with your family in peace. I wish you well in breaking an unhealthy cycle
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Smoochez65 Jan 22, 2025
You are absolutely right I need to break this ridiculous terrible cycle that I continue to go through. Sometimes you just don’t know why it’s like being in a bad relationship and you keep trying because it’s your mother and mother’s are suppose to love you no matter what. 😪 But I finally get it!!!
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Why are you doing this? What is the point? She is doesn't want to live with you. She is angry, mean, and insulting to you and your family. So what is to be gained? What are you trying to prove, and to who? Why do you want to make your mother, yourself, and your husband miserable? Just leave her with her sisters where she wants to be. Stop doing the driving round trips. If she really needs something that only you can take care of, arrange to have it done by someone there. Live your life happily with your husband and children and direct your attention toward them, since they appreciate you and your mother does not.
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Smoochez65 Jan 22, 2025
I guess I felt guilty because I am her only child and I thought that’s what I had to do because she is my mother. But after this episode and I came back so sick with a migraine headache and I had to be put on a IV for my headaches. I realize she is better off with them and not me it just hurts so bad because I know they really don’t want to take care of her but she is so mean to them too but they think I should take it because she is my mother. But she wants to be with them not me.
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I think you are in the right here. You are trying to protect your mental health. She is angry and perhaps more so in the anger phase of dying. If you need help with counseling. NAMI is located in SC. Look them up on the web or call the helpline to find your local chapter. +18009506264. This is a free service.
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Smoochez65 Jan 22, 2025
Thank you I will give them a call because I am really feeling so overwhelmed.
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