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My mother is 86 years old and lives in NJ with her 2 elderly sisters. She recently got a bad infection and fell during New Year’s Day. When she left the hospital after 5 days she was placed in a rehab facility to gain her strength back. She suffered from no broken bones, but she also has stage 4 cancer, and that’s where the infection came from: her port. They have removed the port and had her on strong antibiotics to clear up all the infection in her blood.


When my husband and I got there from SC (we drive 600 miles to and from total 1200 miles), the whole time I am there doing whatever I can for my mom — going shopping and getting everything she needs for the rehab — she is so nasty to me. She can’t stand my husband who is so nice to her and her sisters. She calls me all kinds of names and I tell her, "mom please come back to SC with us where you have your own house and me and my kids (her grandkids who are grown) can help take care of you."


My mom and her sisters want me to leave my husband (who I have been happily married to for over 30 years) and come up there and take care of her indefinitely. Nothing is wrong with her mouth or her heart. She said I was the last person on this earth she would live with.


I am so hurt by the way she talks to me and she acts so jealous of my relationship with my husband. When I try to call and talk to her she is so nasty. I told her I would take care of her if she moved to SC (which is also her home) because her sisters are unable to take care of her, but they won’t be honest with her and tell her the truth. I have been so upset and sick and tired of going back and forth up and down the road 7 times in 2024 and 1 time already in 2025. I told her I wasn’t coming back until she was ready to leave with us.


Please help me. This is so hard. I do love my mean mother, but it’s so heartbreaking to me. They even have a problem because my husband drives me there. He even asked my aunt what was the problem with him driving me. She said my mom was just jealous. They say awful things about us. but we continue to be nice to my mom and her 2 sisters anyway. But I am tired of putting my husband through this. Our entire marriage, every time I go around my mom and her sisters (before she even got sick), she has always been nasty to us.

I am so sad for what your mum puts you through. We all want a loving relationship with our mums, but we don't all get it.

However, I'm going to show you some tough love. You have a part to play in this too. Your mum couldn't be so mean to you if you didn't allow her to. If you keep prostrating yourself at her feet, she's going to keep walking all over you.

It's time to stand up. You're not a child, you don't need a mummy anymore - you have a loving husband. Also, it's time for you to mother yourself, to nurture yourself. Be there for the family you created, not the one you escaped.

If you do take your mum home with you, then you deserve everything you get.
Don't be foolish. Live your life and stop feeling guilty over something that's not your fault.

It seems perverse, but you will grieve for her once she's gone. If you can, try and get counselling to process your feelings. If you can't, then write things down, then look back a week later and notice how many of your feelings - guilt and loss especially - are irrational. Look at your anger and think about how to reframe it, so you can be at peace.
Be kind to yourself, and realise that you have become a better person and mum (I'm surmising from how caring you seem to be), not because of your mean-spirited mother, but in spite of her. You can't change that, so accept it. And move forward.
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Reply to MiaMoor
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Your mother is a miserable woman.
Was she always? Or is this because she is ill, helpless and dying?
She seems not to like you.
She tells you that you are the "last person she could live with".
So let me ask you, is this NEW or was she always this way?
Did she always treat you this way?
Did she always treat your hubby this way?

To be honest I have very little use for connection by BLOOD and GENES. They are an accidental connection.
A good, kind, decent mother is a good, kind, and decent mother. And person. And deserving of love.

I would be out of there, and the LAST PERSON ON EARTH I would be inviting to MY home or even to the place nearby where I lived would be this woman.

This is a TOXIC FAMILY.
Are you willing to martyr yourself to them and to play victim to them?
And if you ARE, WHY? WHY? Because you share genetic material?

I would recommend going back home NOW. And going immediately to a good cognitive therapist. You are in grave danger of being the designated victim of every evil-doer out there is this is how you receive hate.

We have two chances at family.
The one we are born to and the one we make for ourselves.
I congratulate you on having one of the kindest and most patient husbands I have heard of in many a day. Looks like you have this part RIGHT. You have a loving and kind family. Go back to them, cling to them, shed your tears and let them help heal your broken heart, because when you get dealt a mom like your mom, it hurts and it hurts a lifetime. You set that hurt aside or let it teach you how to avoid hatred.

She has stage four cancer. She will die of it, and I am sure she is furious, because as a nurse I learned we die as we lived. When she DOES die, take in a deep breath, wish her well on her journey, and be happy she will finally be at peace.

My heart goes out to you and I wish I could give you a hug.
But I caution you, do NOT love evil-doers. They will take you down with them as they drown. They mean you no good.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I agree with everyone here. Go about your business and please leave your mother as she is.
Another thing that I agree with is don't offer up your children's time to help your mom. If they want to help, ok, but it should be their choice. My bossy cousins tried to offer me up to help our childless aunt with dementia. They had it all planned out behind my back without even discussing it with me and I live out of state. I mean they wouldn't let up and it caused resentment on my part because I never volunteered for that or said ok. They were trying to get themselves off the hook by loading aunt on me. I can't stand them now to this day for thinking I had nothing else to do and that my life just wasn't important, so I should give it up to care for a stubborn aunt who balked at someone trying to help, anyway.
Go about your life. Stay away and let the chips fall. She's mean and nasty and it will continue to get worse. Don't move her in with you or near you and don't offer up your family to care for her. They will resent you, as I resent my cousins now.
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Reply to Tiredniece23
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You should not have your Mom live with you or near you . You should not expect your children to care for this abusive woman either .

Let her stay where she is as she wants . Let the sisters tell her she has to leave . Then Mom goes to a nursing home on palliative care for her stage 4 cancer .

You should not feel any guilt over this . You did not make your Mom old or sick .
Mom is not going to be nice no matter how much or how little you do . Your Mom is not going to change no matter what .

Your marriage comes first . And see a therapist to deal with how this abuse has effected you.
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Reply to waytomisery
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I can’t imagine why on earth you love your mother. Or why you put up with her sisters.

Go home to South Carolina and be happy with your husband and the family you’ve created there. You are far too good to be abused by your horrible mother.
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Reply to Fawnby
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There is no law that says you have to support or care for a mean, abusive and nasty parent. People who abuse their children do not deserve loyalty.

Leave your mother where she is with her horrible sisters and go no contact. You owe this woman nothing. Stop making these trips and making yourself sick because of them.

Don't offer your children up to look after a mean grandmother. They will resent you for it.

Please do not bring this woman into your home. She will destroy it.
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Reply to Scampie1
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Why do you subject yourself and your husband to this abuse?

Leave her be and stop running up to NJ. Take her at her word.

These people do not have your best interest at heart if they want you to leave your husband to be their handmaiden.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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I would just go back to SC and let the chips fall where they may.

One thing I want to say, don't offer your children as caregivers. IMO, if there are children who can care or do for a parent, they should be doing it. But don't expect your kids to give their time helping or caring for a grandparent. They are in the beginning of their lives establishing jobs and families. Its nice if they are willing to help, just don't expect them to.

We have so many grandchildren who come her asking for help. Somehow, familty feels they are the good choice to care for a grandparent because the children have jobs and lives. In the meantime, the grandchild can't continue their schooling, get a job or have a relationship, its sad.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Bulldog54321 16 hours ago
Seriously, I would cut my own mother off is she offered me up as a caregiver to a narcissist, destructive horrible woman.

You don’t get to offer up your adult children into slavery because you are tired of unnecessarily driving up to see a cold hearted awful woman.
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You are providing your mother with what she wants, someone to complain to and put down. For some reason she thinks she needs to do that, probably because she is deeply unhappy. I like Jenny's idea of just once a month calls and some help with finding food delivery for her and her sisters - their money, not yours. See if her attitude changes, but do not take her into your happy home. She'll ruin it. She likes to ruin relationships, so don't give her that chance. Also, she probably likes being with her sisters, so until they can't or won't care for her any longer, let it be for now.
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Reply to ArtistDaughter
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I am not an expert, but it sounds like your mom has been struggling with a mental health condition for some time. I encourage you to find a qualified therapist who can help work through these issues. In the meantime, instead of just cutting your mom off, why don't you just limit your contact to once a month telephone calls and things like ordering groceries for delivery or arranging for housecleaners, etc.? This way you won't feel guilty about cutting her off but will also not be subjecting yourself to further abuse.
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Reply to Jennyjenjen
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Jennyjenjen 18 hours ago
I just want to clarify that I was suggesting you get the therapist for yourself, not your mom.
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“My mom and her sisters want me to leave my husband who I have been happily married to for over 30 years and come up there and take care of her indefinitely.”

That alone says how little they regard you. No family members who love you would even entertain the thought! Step back.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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She has made her choice. Let her live with that choice and stop putting yourself into her line of fire. Just let her go. And please start therapy. You need to figure out why you can’t let go of this abusive relationship. You don’t deserve to be treated this way by anyone.
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Reply to ShirleyDot
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Let her stay with her sisters and cut her off. She has made you physically sick with her nastiness? She deserves NOTHING from you.
You made vows to your husband, not her. You have your own family to take care of, so don't even consider bringing her to live near you!
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Reply to Dawn88
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Go no contact. No one has time for abuse. Stop trying to gain her love and affection— it’s never going to happen.

Stop breaking your back and your cars by trying to wait on her hand and foot. LET. HER. FAIL.

And give your husband the respect he deserves but cutting this toxic, miserable and abusive woman out of his life too. He must be a saint to put up with this.

DO NOT EVER MOVE HER BY YOU.

I say this as someone who has been in therapy off and on since I was around 21– please do something good for yourself and find a trauma therapist to work out why you have no boundaries. Not only do you keep going back for more, you are insisting she move by you. Honestly, that is disturbing. Why would you make such a bad decision like that and do that to your sweet family?
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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Please stop putting your nice husband through this! Why on earth would you bring a mean mother even closer to you? Do you expect her being closer will somehow make her nicer to you and your husband? She’s clearly shown you who she is, for many years, please believe her and leave her to it. It’s a miracle your husband will drive to see her at all, it’s totally unfair to expect this of him. Let you mother stay where she is, let her figure out her own plans for care, and live your own life with your family in peace. I wish you well in breaking an unhealthy cycle
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Smoochez65 Jan 22, 2025
You are absolutely right I need to break this ridiculous terrible cycle that I continue to go through. Sometimes you just don’t know why it’s like being in a bad relationship and you keep trying because it’s your mother and mother’s are suppose to love you no matter what. 😪 But I finally get it!!!
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Why are you doing this? What is the point? She is doesn't want to live with you. She is angry, mean, and insulting to you and your family. So what is to be gained? What are you trying to prove, and to who? Why do you want to make your mother, yourself, and your husband miserable? Just leave her with her sisters where she wants to be. Stop doing the driving round trips. If she really needs something that only you can take care of, arrange to have it done by someone there. Live your life happily with your husband and children and direct your attention toward them, since they appreciate you and your mother does not.
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Reply to MG8522
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Smoochez65 Jan 22, 2025
I guess I felt guilty because I am her only child and I thought that’s what I had to do because she is my mother. But after this episode and I came back so sick with a migraine headache and I had to be put on a IV for my headaches. I realize she is better off with them and not me it just hurts so bad because I know they really don’t want to take care of her but she is so mean to them too but they think I should take it because she is my mother. But she wants to be with them not me.
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I think you are in the right here. You are trying to protect your mental health. She is angry and perhaps more so in the anger phase of dying. If you need help with counseling. NAMI is located in SC. Look them up on the web or call the helpline to find your local chapter. +18009506264. This is a free service.
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Reply to MACinCT
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Smoochez65 Jan 22, 2025
Thank you I will give them a call because I am really feeling so overwhelmed.
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