Follow
Share

My mother is 86 years old and lives in NJ with her 2 elderly sisters. She recently got a bad infection and fell during New Year’s Day. When she left the hospital after 5 days she was placed in a rehab facility to gain her strength back. She suffered from no broken bones, but she also has stage 4 cancer, and that’s where the infection came from: her port. They have removed the port and had her on strong antibiotics to clear up all the infection in her blood.


When my husband and I got there from SC (we drive 600 miles to and from total 1200 miles), the whole time I am there doing whatever I can for my mom — going shopping and getting everything she needs for the rehab — she is so nasty to me. She can’t stand my husband who is so nice to her and her sisters. She calls me all kinds of names and I tell her, "mom please come back to SC with us where you have your own house and me and my kids (her grandkids who are grown) can help take care of you."


My mom and her sisters want me to leave my husband (who I have been happily married to for over 30 years) and come up there and take care of her indefinitely. Nothing is wrong with her mouth or her heart. She said I was the last person on this earth she would live with.


I am so hurt by the way she talks to me and she acts so jealous of my relationship with my husband. When I try to call and talk to her she is so nasty. I told her I would take care of her if she moved to SC (which is also her home) because her sisters are unable to take care of her, but they won’t be honest with her and tell her the truth. I have been so upset and sick and tired of going back and forth up and down the road 7 times in 2024 and 1 time already in 2025. I told her I wasn’t coming back until she was ready to leave with us.


Please help me. This is so hard. I do love my mean mother, but it’s so heartbreaking to me. They even have a problem because my husband drives me there. He even asked my aunt what was the problem with him driving me. She said my mom was just jealous. They say awful things about us. but we continue to be nice to my mom and her 2 sisters anyway. But I am tired of putting my husband through this. Our entire marriage, every time I go around my mom and her sisters (before she even got sick), she has always been nasty to us.

I think we want people to be as we think they should be and not how they really are. She’s shown you her true colors. Care for her from afar.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to RealMary
Report

I get where you are coming from in wanting to do the right thing because she is your mom. It is right to want to honor your parents, but that doesn't mean you need to stay in a toxic relationship with them. In this case, it sounds like to honor her best is to give her what she wants, meaning a distant relationship with you. She has made it clear she has no intention of living with or near you, which to me sounds like a gift. You and your husband have made the effort to care for her and she has rejected you both at every turn. For her to suggest you leave him to come care for her is the epitome of selfishness and you do not have to subject yourself to that kind of abuse, yes abuse, any more. I think a phone call once in a while, on your terms, is fine to let her know you care for her, but when the bashing begins, the phone call is over. If you want to maintain contact, perhaps even writing letters would be emotionally safer for you. You can only love someone so far as they will allow you. If she is abusive like this, you are allowed to draw a boundary that will not permit her to continue that behavior and you need not have any guilt about it. She has chosen to act this way and now she will feel the consequences of her behavior.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to loel94
Report

It’s very hard, but for your own sanity and peace of mind, you may have to distance a bit from your Mom and her sisters. Don’t take on guilt because of the need for self preservation. Realize you deserve to enjoy your life too. Do what you can, but realize to them, it will never be enough .
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to FromNJtoGA
Report

Wow, her refusal to live with you is a BLESSING. Imagine that vitriol in your home, 24/7. Sorry she has such a mean streak and it doesn’t sound new. Please limit your exposure.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to JeanLouise
Report

Sorry but your mother should see a professional for her inexcusable nasty behavior and jealous disrespect for your spouse. Stop seeing her until she straightens up her mind, perhaps never again!

I want to tell you what I went through with my late mother’s mental problems. When my mother was no longer able to care for herself in our CA condo, nor able to return back to our home from a board and care, she wrote a nasty letter to me threatening to through me out at age 93. It was then that my brother and his wife moved her up to OR in an AL near were they live. She received counseling from an ombudsman. From then on her health went downhill and died two years later in humane comfort. I had three weeks visit to say Goodbye to her.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Patathome01
Report
BurntCaregiver Jan 30, 2025
@Patathome

You've got to love the threats to throw you out of your own property. My mother tries to make threats about "her" house which is not hers anymore when she doesn't get her own way about something or is looking for a fight. We just ignore her.
(1)
Report
Your mother is jealous of your marriage and has probably been trying to sabotage it for as long as you've been married.

Please for your family's sake and your own, heed the good advice you're being given here and don't enable your toxic mother. Under no circumstances should you allow her to move in with you.

Yes, your mother is old and she is sick. Being old and sick does not give a person a free pass to be an abusive a$$hole to the people who do for them and you need to let your mother know that you will not be verbally abused and treated disrespectfully by her. Nor will you tolerate her treating your husband this way.

If your mother's care needs require she be moved into a nursing home, agree to help her be moved to one. Don't you allow her to move in with you. Don't ruin your life, your marriage, and your family by moving a toxic, abusive ingrate into your home. Don't do it.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to BurntCaregiver
Report

Smoochez65: Do not enable a toxic mother.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Llamalover47
Report
BurntCaregiver Jan 28, 2025
Well said, Llama.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
Please do NOT move her in with you. She will be gone some day, and then so will your husband....because of her. Even if he doesn't leave, it will be too stressful on you and your marriage and will change things for the worse irrevocably. If you are set on helping her, do it from afar, and don't invest yourself (mentally) in to it so that it makes you sick.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to michelle7728
Report

Going through something similar I need answers also I am here to take care of her there is no one else to help. This gradually getting worse. I will be checking back for comments. I am really confused and don't know what else to do. Hope your situation gets better.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to MJack2025
Report
MiaMoor Jan 29, 2025
Do everything you can to move your mum into a facility. You should not be providing hands on care if she is nasty to you.
If you are managing her care, rather than doing it yourself, don't visit any more than is necessary.
Make yourself and your own family your priority.
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
Walk away! Obviously she will never appreciate what you do. My mom is almost as bad, I spend as little time by her as I can
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Momlittr
Report

Love your mother from afar!
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Bunny567
Report

I can’t believe you want her to live with you, what would that do to your marriage and husband
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Mjustice98
Report

I hope you can find ways, enlist help, to manage without so many trips. You may imagine it would be easier to take care of your mother if she was closer. In some ways that is probably true, and you assume your children would help. However, considering the tendencies your mother has, I think you might be underestimating what she would demand of you if she was closer. I can imagine her demands on you, your husband, and your family would be greater than you think, without the mental and physical break you have now when you are at home. Though she may not ever be far from your thoughts, when she lives elsewhere it does give you an opportunity for focus on other things for a time.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Learn2Cope
Report

So many cases where dependent parents turns mean and cruel. I had it happen. My aunt did it to my cousin. Naturally you get the garbage but others are treated like the cherished ones.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to fedupforever
Report
MissesJ Jan 28, 2025
But the mother hasn’t changed at all. She has always been like this.

I’m sorry to say, but your mom is deliberately ugly to your husband because she knows that is the best way to hurt you.

I would LOVE it if you use this “extra” free time to go on beautiful dates and mini/mega-vacations with your wonderful husband—you BOTH deserve it!💕
(4)
Report
See 1 more reply
You mentioned your mother was nasty about your husband even before she became physically ill. Could it be she was always nasty to you to some degree but you didn't acknowledge it until she started on your husband and increased her anger toward you? It's probable your mom's approach to parenting has made you completely codependent on her. Not in a manner of depending on her for your physical and financial needs but mentally you simply can't be happy without her approval of your choices, plus you're stuck in a mental ideal that caring for her earns her approval. She will never give it to you....it's her psychological issue and you've allowed yourself to become her victim. Perhaps her upbringing along with her sister's was of the same mental abuse by their parents and the result of meanness in their personalities is etched in stone. I hate to say it but the good news here is your mom has made it clear she wants to be with her sisters, not you. You don't know it now, but you're luckier than so many who are stuck in such family dysfunction because their parents make them feel guilty for trying to leave it. You have her full permission to leave and stay away and hopefully you're beginning to realize you are not to blame for any of her shortcomings. Please stop putting your own family's well-being at risk for this woman. Your husband seems to have been totally committed to YOUR needs regarding your mother, despite her verbal abuse toward him and her unappreciation of efforts made by you both. Start giving your attention to people who show their willingness to be there "for" you. Also, set an example for your kids to reward kindness with kindness and walk away from those who aren't. Without knowing it, you're creating upheaval within your own family with your priorities. There's a thing in 12-step recovery called "Separating with Love". Swear off your mother with final thoughts of love and move on with your own life. I'd suggest going as far as giving her sisters responsibility for her finances, medical decisions, etc. Make that separation permanent. Best wishes and prayers for your own mental release from such pain! If you need to consider therapy for codependency by all means do so....you deserve to be happy!
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to Jannycare
Report
BurntCaregiver Jan 28, 2025
Well said, Jannycare. My mother is very much what you describe here. She was jealous of both my marriages and no matter what I did (or do) for her is never right or enough. So, I don't really do much.

I brought in homecare for her and she knows that she makes it work with them or it will be a nursing home.

It took me a lot of therapy to get past the hard feelings, the guilt, and the fear. I know I will never have my mother's approval, so I no longer seek it. I know she's a very petty and jealous person. She will try to ruin and sabotage and has any special event or accomplishment I've ever had because of her pettiness and jealousy. So, I keep her at arm's length and my life is peaceful and happy because I do.
(7)
Report
See 1 more reply
My advice: Back off. Stop going to her. I know it's hard for you because you care so much about her.

Put your attention into your marriage, your own life, and kids.

Let mom fail. And she will. There really isn't much you can do to prevent it.
She and or her sisters will reach a point where there is an emergency that they can't handle on their own. That may be the turning point for her - to go into assisted living or some sort of care home - not to live with or near you!

You will soon regret it if she moves near you, or moves in with you!
All the stress and nastyness you are struggling with now, will be closer! And more frequent! It is not your job to take care of her, and she doesn't seem to want you doing so.

If you're struggling with the dysfunction of your relationship with your mother, see a therapist. You may never get the approval or kindness you want from her.
Don't spend the rest of your life agonizing over it. A good therapist can help you put things into a different perspective and let go of those negative feelings!
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to CaringWifeAZ
Report
MissesJ Jan 28, 2025
If the fire burns, stop stepping into it…
(5)
Report
You need better boundaries when it comes to your mom.

Yes, she can and will say mean things to you and your husband. Accept that this will probably never change. She has lost her social filter and does not know how to have polite conversations any more. You should not let yourself get upset when she says things you know are not true. May I suggest you (and your sweetheart) read any of the boundary books by Townsend and Cloud about creating boundaries and plan for problem behaviors. They are Christian counsellors with good advice and established practice for just this type of situation.

Are you the one who has to make decisions regarding your mother's care? If so, then make sure that doctors, hospitals, etc. contact you when your mother needs medical treatment. Will you also be the one to deal with your mother's financial affairs? If both of these apply, then it might be a good idea to have mom's mental capacity evaluated by a doctor. If she is no longer mentally competent, then somebody (you?) needs to step in to take care of her needs and make good arrangements for her. If she is mentally competent then you need to step back and let her manage her own affairs.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Taarna
Report

What sticks out, to me, is what you said here:

"I am tired of putting my husband through this. Our entire marriage, every time I go around my mom and her sisters (before she even got sick), she has always been nasty to us."

I can imagine how your husband feels, after years and years of this treatment. My *former* MIL and her family were nasty to me, too. XH never stood up for me and it hurt terribly.

Also, your mother told you: you're the last person she'd ever live with. Believe her. Let her go.

It's heartbreaking, yes, but how much pain will you accept?

I am so very sorry.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to TUXcat70
Report

My suggestion would be to write out and get a print of a statement of your decision to let your mother organise her own life and ageing problems, without ruining your life in the process. You can use clips from the advice on here to your question, in your statement. When you feel your resolve weakening, get out the statement, read it to yourself, and think again about why you wrote it.

The statement can be your own ‘counselor’, with no appointment or payment needed.

I did this after our house burned down, lots of insurance issues, with a print out that said "The worst outcome is not the most likely outcome'. Pinned up next to the computer, I read it out over and over again. It got into my soul.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
Report

If I were you:

* I would get into therapy asap. You need to learn what is running you, psychologically and emotionally.
* Learn to love yourself and learn to set boundaries.
* As you say you ' love my mean mother' I wouldn't be surprised if you were in an abusive relationship as a child ... as many children 'do' attach to their abuser.

You manage your own mental health by staying away, setting boundaries and understanding why you are setting boundaries (self respect, self-protective).

Ask yourself why you 'continue to be nice' when this abuse is coming at you?
Yes, it is 'so hard' as you say.

You appear to desperately want a mother who cannot be there for you as a healthy, loving mother would be. You will not get this from her - or the rest of your family - you get it from inside yourself, and from your husband.

* Cease visiting.
* Cease expecting your mother to love you as you want to be loved (she can't).
* Get into therapy and learn to love yourself.

Self-love is a life-long process.

You have immense pain inside from not getting the love of a parent - likely not as a child - and certainly not now as your mom. (Many of us need to learn how to do this for our selves as we didn't what any child needs - positive, loving support).

I understand she has cancer. You can learn to feel deep compassion for her and not subject yourself to the pain she and others in your family are dishing out. You deserve more - better. The key here is that you need to know and believe that you deserve better.

I had to learn to be-come my own mother inside ... to give myself what my mother couldn't.

If you are psychologically minded, read:
1) R Schwartz book on Internal Family Systems and
2) Focusing by Ann Cornell (my favorites).
3) Watch Rick Hanson, Ph.D., neuro-phychologist and Buddhist scholar (Zoom Wed 6pm) ... sign up for his workshops on-line (excellent).
4) meditate
5) write in a journal.
6) Get into therapy.
7) Give a hug to your husband for me - and for you. He sounds like a wonderful partner to you-a very good person. Be grateful. Some of us do not have a supportive spouse / partner.

Gena / Touch Matters
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to TouchMatters
Report
Jannycare Jan 27, 2025
I responded to this poor gal's situation with many of the same thoughts, but wanted to thank you for the reading suggestions....I'll look for those 2 books. We never really stop doing the work to remain emotionally free from damages once inflicted on us, but the work helps tremendously.
(3)
Report
Giving up on your mother sounds so easy to do…but it isn’t. I chose counseling. Two years later and I am doing so much better. I have learned my mom is who she is. It is NOT my job to make her happy. I need to be sure she has a roof over her head, food to eat and she is safe. That is it! Moms 91 and in year seven of Lewy Body. I am an involved daughter without the mental pain. Counseling worked for me.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Sadinroanokeva
Report

If she said you’re the last person she’d live with, why don’t you believe her? Seriously, why not?

You and I can’t imagine not loving our children more than anything in the world. But some mothers simply went through the motions and do not want a relationship.

Your mother obviously has zero respect for you or your family or anyone’s feelings. Hard truth: She’s never going to be a lovey-dovey chummy mummy no matter how much you do for her. Those warm fuzzy feelings will never be earned. Never!
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to Anabanana
Report

You have taken the high road (literally). It’s time for you to step back to less contact with her (definitely not more).
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Danielle123
Report

I am so sad for what your mum puts you through. We all want a loving relationship with our mums, but we don't all get it.

However, I'm going to show you some tough love. You have a part to play in this too. Your mum couldn't be so mean to you if you didn't allow her to. If you keep prostrating yourself at her feet, she's going to keep walking all over you.

It's time to stand up. You're not a child, you don't need a mummy anymore - you have a loving husband. Also, it's time for you to mother yourself, to nurture yourself. Be there for the family you created, not the one you escaped.

If you do take your mum home with you, then you deserve everything you get.
Don't be foolish. Live your life and stop feeling guilty over something that's not your fault.

It seems perverse, but you will grieve for her once she's gone. If you can, try and get counselling to process your feelings. If you can't, then write things down, then look back a week later and notice how many of your feelings - guilt and loss especially - are irrational. Look at your anger and think about how to reframe it, so you can be at peace.
Be kind to yourself, and realise that you have become a better person and mum (I'm surmising from how caring you seem to be), not because of your mean-spirited mother, but in spite of her. You can't change that, so accept it. And move forward.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to MiaMoor
Report
Smoochez65 Jan 24, 2025
You are absolutely right I just needed to hear it again
(5)
Report
Your mother is a miserable woman.
Was she always? Or is this because she is ill, helpless and dying?
She seems not to like you.
She tells you that you are the "last person she could live with".
So let me ask you, is this NEW or was she always this way?
Did she always treat you this way?
Did she always treat your hubby this way?

To be honest I have very little use for connection by BLOOD and GENES. They are an accidental connection.
A good, kind, decent mother is a good, kind, and decent mother. And person. And deserving of love.

I would be out of there, and the LAST PERSON ON EARTH I would be inviting to MY home or even to the place nearby where I lived would be this woman.

This is a TOXIC FAMILY.
Are you willing to martyr yourself to them and to play victim to them?
And if you ARE, WHY? WHY? Because you share genetic material?

I would recommend going back home NOW. And going immediately to a good cognitive therapist. You are in grave danger of being the designated victim of every evil-doer out there is this is how you receive hate.

We have two chances at family.
The one we are born to and the one we make for ourselves.
I congratulate you on having one of the kindest and most patient husbands I have heard of in many a day. Looks like you have this part RIGHT. You have a loving and kind family. Go back to them, cling to them, shed your tears and let them help heal your broken heart, because when you get dealt a mom like your mom, it hurts and it hurts a lifetime. You set that hurt aside or let it teach you how to avoid hatred.

She has stage four cancer. She will die of it, and I am sure she is furious, because as a nurse I learned we die as we lived. When she DOES die, take in a deep breath, wish her well on her journey, and be happy she will finally be at peace.

My heart goes out to you and I wish I could give you a hug.
But I caution you, do NOT love evil-doers. They will take you down with them as they drown. They mean you no good.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report
Scampie1 Jan 25, 2025
This is a strong testimony, Alva. Nothing but the straight truth!
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
I agree with everyone here. Go about your business and please leave your mother as she is.
Another thing that I agree with is don't offer up your children's time to help your mom. If they want to help, ok, but it should be their choice. My bossy cousins tried to offer me up to help our childless aunt with dementia. They had it all planned out behind my back without even discussing it with me and I live out of state. I mean they wouldn't let up and it caused resentment on my part because I never volunteered for that or said ok. They were trying to get themselves off the hook by loading aunt on me. I can't stand them now to this day for thinking I had nothing else to do and that my life just wasn't important, so I should give it up to care for a stubborn aunt who balked at someone trying to help, anyway.
Go about your life. Stay away and let the chips fall. She's mean and nasty and it will continue to get worse. Don't move her in with you or near you and don't offer up your family to care for her. They will resent you, as I resent my cousins now.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Tiredniece23
Report

You should not have your Mom live with you or near you . You should not expect your children to care for this abusive woman either .

Let her stay where she is as she wants . Let the sisters tell her she has to leave . Then Mom goes to a nursing home on palliative care for her stage 4 cancer .

You should not feel any guilt over this . You did not make your Mom old or sick .
Mom is not going to be nice no matter how much or how little you do . Your Mom is not going to change no matter what .

Your marriage comes first . And see a therapist to deal with how this abuse has effected you.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to waytomisery
Report

I can’t imagine why on earth you love your mother. Or why you put up with her sisters.

Go home to South Carolina and be happy with your husband and the family you’ve created there. You are far too good to be abused by your horrible mother.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to Fawnby
Report

There is no law that says you have to support or care for a mean, abusive and nasty parent. People who abuse their children do not deserve loyalty.

Leave your mother where she is with her horrible sisters and go no contact. You owe this woman nothing. Stop making these trips and making yourself sick because of them.

Don't offer your children up to look after a mean grandmother. They will resent you for it.

Please do not bring this woman into your home. She will destroy it.
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to Scampie1
Report

Why do you subject yourself and your husband to this abuse?

Leave her be and stop running up to NJ. Take her at her word.

These people do not have your best interest at heart if they want you to leave your husband to be their handmaiden.
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to lkdrymom
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter