My wife was officially diagnosed with dementia after she exhibited aggressive behavior and delusions in March of 2016. She was hospitalized for 4 days during which time all sorts of tests were performed to rule out stroke or other etiology. At that time, I was told that she may or may not "come out of her delusions" and I should consider outside care. She did seem to return to some sort of normalcy for a time, but it became obvious that the dementia was to be permanent. I hired a number of caregivers to come to help in the home. After a relatively short time, she refused to have them come. Out of frustration and on the advice of two nurses, I placed in a memory care facility. After a few weeks, I realized she was not as advanced as most residents there and brought her back home. The caregivers I have now are excellent. She liked them at the beginning but is now insisting that she doesn't need them, in spite of my telling her that they come to help me as well. I am left with considering returning her to a facility, though I would much prefer to keep her home.
Have you found a solution to the caregiver dilemma?
If you can not take care of her, it is the most loving thing to place her in a facility. As hard as it is, it will be better for her to be able to adapt while she still has the ability.
If she can understand then perhaps telling her that without these wonderful caregivers you will have no choice but to put her in a facility. Her choice, in home care or facility care. No care is not even an option.
Have you checked into facilities that you could live together and she gets the care she needs and you have some support for yourself? Facilities that have multiple levels of care often have independent living that would give you peers to socialize with while your wife is doing activities more appropriate for her new ability level. Just a thought.
Take care of you during this journey of caregiving.
You wouldn't ask a child if it was ok to have a housekeeper come in. Perhaps you should just tell her, unless she becomes violent that is. Remember, her brain is broken.
Your wife is delusional . She really isn’t capable of making any decisions. You need to decide the safest situation for her. My mother is in an assisted living ( vascular dementia) and will transition into the memory care when she needs it. It will be an easier transition since change is difficult with dementia. The staff is knowledgeable about how to keep them socializing and as active as possible as long as possible, something that is more difficult in a private home since there isn’t anyone really there.
Do your due diligence and see if you can find a facility that does that. It may take some hunting but I know this is best for my mother and while she threw a fit at first , she has made friends ( 4 months there) and enjoys it now.
Ask your dear wife which would she rather have.
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Tell her the help is for you & the chores...
My mom n dad did this to us.
In fact its 90% of seniors...
I really think i'ts up to YOU, however.
ALos, I used a white lie & told mom kaiser sent the CAREGIVER not I. & I cannot cancel docs orders.
Sometimes you need to fudge the truth a tiny bit....with dementia
Goodluck
I have seen over and over again in the answers and responses in this forum that our LOs are stubborn because they don't want to accept what is happening, and that seems to be a natural and reasonable response on their part. Not one of us wants to lose any part of our independence, and when we feel a further loss, we are going to fight it. On the one hand that seems to be a good sign, and on the other hand, it makes things very difficult for the caregiver.
What can the caregivers help you with that would just make life easier? Can they prepare meals? Do laundry or other household chores? If they are able to do those things then you might be better able to focus on your wife.
When it is time she should go to Memory Care, for the sake of both of you. You can visit daily if you like, and you will be doing the best thing for her, rather than trying to care for her 24 hours a day. If she has your full attention for part of the day, isn't that preferable to your being exhausted all the time?
it would be normal to be frustrated by a loss of independence. Changes in life are also hard for anyone to accept.
Maybe if you say something like, “we need to help Susie” instead of “Susie needs to help you,” your wife will feel more comfortable with this change.
Kudos to you for bringing her back home when you felt she wasn’t in the right place. Most people wouldn’t.
What does she do when the caregivers come? Does she become combative? Sulk? They cannot force their care upon her and if she does become combative, they can refuse to work with her. If all she does is sulk, she’ll get over it. Bear in mind that people with dementia are not really capable of being logical and it’s nearly impossible to reason with them. She doesn’t care that the caregivers are helping you out too. All she understands is that she doesn’t want them there.
Pardon my honesty and it was your choice, but once you made the decision to place her, that decision should have been permanent. On whose recommendation did you place her in MC? Was it her doctor’s? Perhaps they saw something you didn’t and that’s why they advised MC. But if you felt MC was not the place for her, maybe a Care Conference with the staff at her facility would have been in order. They might have been able to advise you on alternative placement. You brought her home and it’s not working, so you’re considering placing her again. Then possibly bringing her home again. This is extremely confusing to one who suffers from dementia. It kicks in their anxiety.
I’m not sure there’s any way to reason with her about the caregivers especially if they are doing personal care for her. Bribery may work. “If you’re nice to these ladies, we’ll go out for lunch.” Or something like that.
You are probably never going to be able to make her understand or convince her to accept in-home caregivers at this stage, and if she becomes combative you are going to have a very very difficult time finding a MC that will accept her. I would look at another placement and this time be prepared to keep her there, for her own sake. I know it is not easy.