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If she’s getting angry with you, it’s because she doesn’t feel heard. What are HER feelings? I think she wants you just to listen and not try to solve her problems. Next time she talks to you, try to just listen and offer to help her any way you can WITHOUT suggesting anything. She’ll let you know how you can help.
If you are ill and depressed then the cheerful positivity of others can make you feel very unheard. That said, depression must be handled with seeking help. It often manifests as anger. I would make fewer calls for a while, perhaps call once daily. Once every other day if need be. There is no reason to subject yourself to this when you can do nothing about it. Try sympathy as an approach, telling your sis you are sorry, and cannot imagine what she is going through; ask if there is something you can do to help her. Suggest she may find help with talk therapy or with medication to help form a bridge over this very rough spot. You don't say if this is a chronic illness; if it is, don't expect a lot of cheer to come of it. Those who pretend for the sake of others that this is OK have a further victimization put onto them thereby. I am sorry. Especially with the onus and burden of holiday "cheer" this has to be a bad time for your sister, and by extension for you in your helplessness. I wish you the best.
From your profile: you're 90, your sister is 88. Those are accomplishments in and of themselves!
What specifically are you saying that angers her? Think carefully over your last conversations. Is she angry when you call, or when you mention specific issues, such as your apparent good health as described in your profile?
Have you shared your feelings with her, that you're concerned your positive attitude isn't shared, or might be resented?
I think you need to focus in on the specific issues to find out what's provoking her and how you can, or can't address it. If she has more complex issues that can't be successfully addressed or controlled, that certainly could be an issue, as could resentment.
Do you think that your apparent better health is cause for resentment?
And Lizbitty's advice; it's good, to the point, and compassionate. And Alva offers another different but helpful perspective.
I don't know if this could apply, but when my sister's cancer metastasized, I quit my job to take care of her, temporarily moved in with her, took her to chemo and rads, shopped for her and helped with her dogs, and worked with her friends to ensure that she had coverage when she needed it.
We were both in our 50s though, so I was young and healthy enough to help out as much as I could. And I don't regret one minute of it; I'd do it again if I had to.
You may just have to ask why she gets angry with you and listen. Don't say, thats not how I meant it. Except that this is how she feels right or wrong. Say your sorry you didn't realize what you said or did effected her that way. Then ask, what can I do. If its something that ur not capable of doing, then say that.
Being so far apart and the ages, I doubt if u can go see her. You know some people have certain expectations of someone else. Sometimes those expectations have nothing to do with reality or something there is no way you could ever do.
When I talk to my half siblings about my problems, my sister will say things like "God will get you through this." That doesn't help me b/c I am the one who has to get through this MYSELF. Yes, I know God is with me, but I am the one who is suffering so platitudes don't help me. When her husband died in 2017, I didn't offer her platitudes; I offered her genuine support and we cried together, she and I. My half brother, on the other hand, doesn't listen to what I say to the point of being insulting. All he cares about is talking to me about his new Superman costume and how I like it? I have a TON of serious issues to deal with right now, so toys are not something of interest to me. I wound up blocking his number on my phone last week, that's how angry he's made me, after I've TOLD him 100x what I need from him. It falls on deaf ears so now I'm done.
Treating your suffering sister with a cheerful and upbeat attitude may be the polar opposite of what she NEEDS from you right now. Try asking her how you can help her, and go from there. Don't think about things from YOUR perspective, but from hers instead. Your version of 'supportive talk' may not be HER version of support or what she needs in her life right now. She may need you to commiserate with her at this point in time and tell her how horrible it must be what she's going through. She may need you to cry with her, like I did with my sister when her DH passed away unexpectedly. I don't know, but neither do you. Find out. That's my suggestion.
Please do not answer to my post. Several people have missed my point entirely and I do not need to be told how to be a compassionate sister. I am removing myself from this site.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
What specifically are you saying that angers her? Think carefully over your last conversations. Is she angry when you call, or when you mention specific issues, such as your apparent good health as described in your profile?
Have you shared your feelings with her, that you're concerned your positive attitude isn't shared, or might be resented?
I think you need to focus in on the specific issues to find out what's provoking her and how you can, or can't address it. If she has more complex issues that can't be successfully addressed or controlled, that certainly could be an issue, as could resentment.
Do you think that your apparent better health is cause for resentment?
And Lizbitty's advice; it's good, to the point, and compassionate. And Alva offers another different but helpful perspective.
I don't know if this could apply, but when my sister's cancer metastasized, I quit my job to take care of her, temporarily moved in with her, took her to chemo and rads, shopped for her and helped with her dogs, and worked with her friends to ensure that she had coverage when she needed it.
We were both in our 50s though, so I was young and healthy enough to help out as much as I could. And I don't regret one minute of it; I'd do it again if I had to.
Being so far apart and the ages, I doubt if u can go see her. You know some people have certain expectations of someone else. Sometimes those expectations have nothing to do with reality or something there is no way you could ever do.
You are happy, she is not, so she feels better bringing you down.
Sad but, so true.
I would limit the number and length of calls. If she asks you why, tell her that you only make her mad and you don't want to add to her challenges.
Treating your suffering sister with a cheerful and upbeat attitude may be the polar opposite of what she NEEDS from you right now. Try asking her how you can help her, and go from there. Don't think about things from YOUR perspective, but from hers instead. Your version of 'supportive talk' may not be HER version of support or what she needs in her life right now. She may need you to commiserate with her at this point in time and tell her how horrible it must be what she's going through. She may need you to cry with her, like I did with my sister when her DH passed away unexpectedly. I don't know, but neither do you. Find out. That's my suggestion.
Don't ask US, ask HER.
I hope that your relationship improves with your sister, with or without our help.