Her adult children have no say in her day-to-day life so we can't recommend she see a doctor unless it interferes with her desired activities such as driving, making travel plans, living independently (which she's managed for decades as a divorcée--it has to be HER idea).
She has decided to sell the house she just moved to and look elsewhere to live--this time without telling anyone where. Moving every 1.5-3 years has been a cycle for a couple of decades now.
She has also just cut all her children out of her will and effectively disowned them.
Two of her children have chosen to have no contact after a lifetime of mental and emotional abuse. The third has had very limited contact and lives on the opposite coast of the US.
Do the children just hope and pray she finds the help she may need on her own?
There has been discussion around arranging a family intervention, but it could go terribly wrong. Need some advice.
Thanks
"Moved across country in my 20s to escape the narcissism and abuse; parents finally divorced after that. Have had years of therapy, been through many dysfunctional and abusive relationships and just recently healed enough to find the one kind person I can trust at last. Now aging and increasingly abusive mother is affecting my sister who feels responsible for her. I have been no contact with mom for past 4 years, and sis has been looking after mom more and more. Mom threatens to sell the house she just moved into (having moved ever more frequently in recent years) and buy a house out of state, who knows where, at age 89, and without having passed a vision test for her new driver license. I got triggered by hearing all the latest, and need to protect my fragile mental health while also supporting my sister and dealing with some guilt around my unwillingness to expose myself to the abuse. My hope is that mom isn’t left alone in her final years if sis decides to stop or can no longer care for her. As of now mom is still quite independent and otherwise healthy. "
There are many wise participants on this forum who've dealt with narc/abusive parents in regards to caregiving and FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) so I will let them answer you.
In terms of being legally able to help her... unless someone is her PoA and the authority is activated (per the criteria outlined in the PoA) then no one has any real power in this situation.
What will happen is that (if her whereabouts are unknown) "someone" may report her to APS (if her living conditions/behavior are *that bad*). Once she is on their radar as a vulnerable elder they will decide to acquire guardianship of her and then she will be taken care of by the appointed guardian. The family will at that point be locked out of any of her accounts, house, assets, etc. The guardian will manage all of it. If you know who the guardian is, you can contact them (and they may contact you if they know who you are: relationship and mobile). You are still her children and can visit her (as long as your visits aren't upsetting or disruptive) but just won't have no say in her affairs. THat's how it went with my SFIL and the appointed guardian.
If you have the time and money you can pursue guardianship of her yourselves, but you will have to prove she is incompetent in court.
Cutting her children out of her Will is a message (or manipulation) to you all. Also: how do you know this is true? Many people threaten this but then never follow through *legally* with it (because it requires time and paying an attorrney). Chasing down an inheritance is not worth it when it comes to people like her. There will be no end to her dangling that carrot in front of you.
I wonder why anyone in the family cares about this woman anymore.
The family intervention would be for what? "Hey mom, we all got together and brought in a mental health counselor so we can tell you to stop moving?" or "Hey mom, you disowned some of us and we think you're nuts. Put us back in the will!" And of course you can recommend she see a doctor, any time you want. She won't unless she wants to.
She's a narcissist and they don't change. All the worry worry hasn't helped a thing. And maybe she's sick of the interference. An abusive independent narcissistic divorcee most likely doesn't relish the idea of her adult children tagging around after her and telling her what to do.
Hoping and praying seems like a good idea. As long as all of you do it from a distance.
I personally would not/could not manage for a mentally challenged and uncooperative elder no matter their relation. I did help a cooperative, wonderful, kind and organized brother at the end of his life. That was difficult enough.
So family intervention would have me saying "I'm out." To those who choose to communicate with this woman I would advise a call to APS at the point needed.
I would NEVER assume POA or guardianship.
I would Suggest that the city and state she is currently located in appoint a fiduciary through the court to manage finances and placement when needed.
Would my siblings love me? No. But that's OK.
This has zero to do with wills. I am very glad she has money. She will likely see it spent by a fiduciary in her care. Meanwhile on she goes as likely she has always done, happily moving around the country and changing her beneficiaries as she goes
But that's me. We must each make our own decision for this our one and only life.