Good morning,
My whole family is (everyone in the family) going on a vacation to the beach very soon. We asked my mom if she would like to join us but she said no thank you. All because she refuses to leave her dog. She’s very stubborn. We told her she could bring the dog but she still won’t go.
See the problem she has a lot of chronic problems. She’s in chronic A-Fib with her heart, diabetic (takes insulin when she remembers) she was also diagnosed with Dementia. Her list of problems is very large. I can see that each day she’s getting weaker, her hands shake a lot and her walking is unstable at times. She has also fallen several times. She uses a cane but not indoors.
When we lost my dad we had her move in with us, so I am her main caregiver. I refused too have my parents go to any type of home bc I have worked in them and saw too much. So I am her main caregiver and my husband helps me too. I don’t get any other help from my family.
The reason I am feeling guilty is bc I don’t want to leave and something happen to her. I will be at least 9 + hours away. However I have a new grand baby and REALLY want to spend time with him. I also have been working full time on call on the weekends so I really feel like I need this break. I just feel so horrible about leaving her alone. I keep thinking about all the “ what if’s “ and it really doesn’t help bc I am a medical professional so I really do understand what could happen if she forgot’s to take her meds or falls or takes her insulin and doesn’t eat. There’s so many to text but I think you understand. BTW she won’t wear a medical alert to help with the falls. My husband is there most of the time except for when he has too work.
I really don’t have any one that could come over and check on her. Unless I can get Homecare but this would just make her mad and I am not sure I want anyone in here that I don’t know or trust with out me here to keep an eye on the person. I am stuck with all these thoughts in my head.
I know it sounds like I am being greedy but there’s been so much that has happened in my life in the past couple years. I have had a decline in my health. I have been diagnosed with a couple different chronic problems that are pretty serious but I get up every day and push through work and everything I have to do after work. So I really feel like this vacation will help me kind of put things into perspective for me while spending quality time with my family that I don’t see much.
I really need an outsider opinion on this. I really do appreciate ANY and ALL feedback bc I am tearing myself apart here.
Thank you for letting me vent.
Have a good day.
You need to get a home healthcare agency involved to check on your mother each day. It doesn't matter if she gets mad. How are you going to have any peace of mind on vacation if you're worried about your mom?
Call an agency today so that you can start having caregivers come in while you're still at home. Tell your mom this is for YOU not for her; that you need the peace of mind.
Can your Mum make meals? Sandwich for lunch, reheat dinner etc?
Would a stint in respite be safer? I know you don't want that, but it's only temporary.
You are doing a good job of thinking up all the reasons to not have any help available for mom, though. You know mom needs help. A caregiver could come to stay with her in her home. But, not unless you are there? Kinda defeats the purpose, doesn't it?
Not a respite stay in a facility either? There are many that could provide that for mom. She may even enjoy it. As a medical pro you could certainly get recommendations and check references on facilities. Maybe a friend has even used one. No facility is going to be perfect, mom could even take her dog, mom may even enjoy it.
Stop finding reasons for you to feel guilty about needing a very well deserved vacation.
No no matter the cost; your peace of mind while 9 hours away on a well needed vacation is PRICELESS. You’ll be worried the entire time.
The CG is for you, not your mother. Your mother will have to just deal with it. Not fair to you.
Give yourself a break. You ARE worthy!
As others have said, get someone lined up to check on mom. Too bad if she doesn't like it. Again, it's for YOU, not her. You don't need her agreement. Just do it.
And ENJOY your vacation!!!
You definitely need to take one of her peers with her or hire a caretaker to go with her and be her personal activities person. That way she can do what she wants to do. Leaving her is never a good idea for sure.
A peer can be a neighbor, church member, cousin, sibling.
Another elderly peer helps her feel more comfortable in her own skin to take the trip and enjoy family as well.
But you have got to get cover for your mother. She can't be left alone, and if your husband has work commitments I don't think it's fair on either of them to put him in charge. Nor all that safe, either.
I think you might be making assumptions about home care services that aren't necessarily true. Have you got in touch with any agencies and discussed what they might be able to offer?
Go. Rick Steve's and I on PBS are tight,but not same thing. How ever, might I recommend his travel insights.
Mom will probably never "like" the idea, and she may try to manipulate you to skip the trip. Don't let her give you the "guilts" for taking care of your own needs.
Your mom may get mad about someone there to care for her, but you need to ignore that. Perhaps your council on aging in your county can direct you to some other solutions.
Does she have any friends that you could line up to do discreet daily checks? Also, check with your local Area Agency on Aging for the Family Caregiver Support Program which offers some funds to cover help.
I don't know if you have plans/reservations that can be changed or not...but if you need more time to plan this out and can, I would, if only for your own peace of mind...good luck.
First of all I don’t see where you are greedy. You have a life that is more than just your mom, right? And it is natural to want to live that life which includes seeing other family members as well as and certainly as seeing a new grandchild. So that is NOT greed. That is love. So quit guilting yourself.
Your mom has lived a long life and it is not your fault she has all these health conditions. It is what it is. The longer I’ve seen the state elderly people live in with diseases and dementia the more pragmatic I’ve become about death. So if she falls then what? She goes to hospital.
Personally it is not up to your mom to set the rules. She’s in your home under your care so you make the rules. It isn’t her best judgment to deny in home caregivers. For that matter she could spend that week in a respite place. If you really want to go, you can. But first you must stop projecting the future "dire circumstances " that only might occur and deal with the hear and now. You tell mom you are going and then say here is the plan for your care and safety while I’m gone. Tell her you are responsible to be sure she is safe and this is the plan. If she balks so be it, let her. What is she going to do? Nothing except maybe sulk. You need to take control of your life and not let mom overtake control of yours. You are actually the one holding the power here but you are giving it away to her.
Stand firm, set boundaries or your continued life with her will make you stressed even more and affect your health more than it does her's.
Is Mom on Hospice?
If so Medicare allows Respite for caregivers when the patient is on Hospice. Hospice will place her in an In Patient Unit so you know she will be well cared for by professionals. The number of days Medicare will cover is 7. They will also cover In Patient for symptom management and Pain management for as long as the "crisis" continues.
If she is not on Hospice if you think she would qualify make a call and have her evaluated.
If siblings will not step up then Respite can be paid for from her account.
Do NOT feel guilty.
You deserve a break and you will be better for it when you return.
Might something happen...yes would it be highly likely..probably not. How many weeks go by without anything major happening?
If your siblings step in ask them not to call you unless it is an emergency.
If you do get her in Respite through Hospice you can check in when you want and they will call if it is an emergency.
I have to tell a funny story. I place my Husband in Respite in a Memory Care facility where I had him for Adult Day Care so he knew the people and I did as well. I was nervous and worried . I thought after the length of time I would be gone he would be so used to the place he would not be able to come back home. Or something would happen and I would not be able to get home fast enough (I was to be gone for 3 weeks to Europe) Well I got an "emergency" call that came to the hotel, they came to get me and I made contact with my BIL and he told me the facility had called and said my Husband had an infection and they wanted to treat it. I said he should tell them to go ahead and do what they needed to do. I had been worried to this point now I was frantic. Got home 2 weeks later to find when going over the bill the infection was Athletes Foot! Oh and he readjusted back home just fine! It was like I dropped him off that morning.
Go enjoy your vacation
Is Mom on Hospice?
If so Medicare allows Respite for caregivers when the patient is on Hospice. Hospice will place her in an In Patient Unit so you know she will be well cared for by professionals. The number of days Medicare will cover is 7. They will also cover In Patient for symptom management and Pain management for as long as the "crisis" continues.
If she is not on Hospice if you think she would qualify make a call and have her evaluated.
If siblings will not step up then Respite can be paid for from her account.
Do NOT feel guilty.
You deserve a break and you will be better for it when you return.
Might something happen...yes would it be highly likely..probably not. How many weeks go by without anything major happening?
If your siblings step in ask them not to call you unless it is an emergency.
If you do get her in Respite through Hospice you can check in when you want and they will call if it is an emergency.
I have to tell a funny story. I place my Husband in Respite in a Memory Care facility where I had him for Adult Day Care so he knew the people and I did as well. I was nervous and worried . I thought after the length of time I would be gone he would be so used to the place he would not be able to come back home. Or something would happen and I would not be able to get home fast enough (I was to be gone for 3 weeks to Europe) Well I got an "emergency" call that came to the hotel, they came to get me and I made contact with my BIL and he told me the facility had called and said my Husband had an infection and they wanted to treat it. I said he should tell them to go ahead and do what they needed to do. I had been worried to this point now I was frantic. Got home 2 weeks later to find when going over the bill the infection was Athletes Foot! Oh and he readjusted back home just fine! It was like I dropped him off that morning.
Go enjoy your vacation
But people can skip over duplicates easy enough, there's no harm done :)
I have been in a similar position, until I realized that my killing myself was being selfish actually. Maybe you feel guilty because you don't want people to judge you if something happens to your mom. And you don't want to remember how she got hurt when you were not there and she depended on you, yet she could have gotten hurt just the same if you would have been there. Meanwhile you are killing yourself and will soon be of no benefit to her anyway.
You wrote of various ways your mother refuses your requests to accommodate her for your ability to take this trip and she has refused. She refuses to wear an emergency alert device or take her dog with her. So even though 'she would hate it' to have a home care person while you go, she has made that decision herself by refusing your options. You must make arrangements for home care for her and go on the trip or you will totally burn out and worse, you will grow to resent her and how she has kept you from living your life. You will feel manipulated and unappreciated, and that is no way to spend the end years of her life with her.
Start calling reputable home care services now. We caregivers need a break now and then to stay well and helpful to our loved ones.
I wish you well.
I’m planning a trip next month to see family. I have friends checking in on grandma daily and she’s no wiser to it.
Asking her if she’s taking her pills and if she needs anything from the store.
Also will bring goodies and dinner a few nights.
Maybe get neighbors or friends to check in on her and report back to you?
Have you ever thought about someone your very close too dying by themselves all alone with no one there for them. Until you have lived it, breathed it and grieved it you have no clue. So maybe I don’t want to feel this guilt about leaving my mother bc I have and don’t want her too pass away from a cardiac arrest or fall just get hurt while I am away or worse btw she’s not capable of picking up a phone to call 911. I am the one who has promised too take care of my mother. If you had the bond that a mother and daughter truly have you would understand. Your comment was quite rude if I don’t say so. If you can’t say anything worth while then don’t say anything at all. Most people really don’t appreciate ignorance when trying to get advice. Especially on caring for someone. Being a caregiver is extremely difficult especially when your sick yourself so to tell me I am whining you’re so very wrong. I would love for you to walk in my shoes for one day then you can tell me if I am what whining or not.
This is a thread that maybe you should think about posting on. The people on this thread need true help and guidance bc we are being pulled to our limits or maybe just vent. So please if you can’t give any type of advice someone can use please go somewhere else.
Thank you.