Need advice on elderly mom and how to deal with this “new life”.

I’m new at this and looking for advice. I’d like to make mom safe, comfortable, and happy.

My 91 year old mother has been living with me and my DH for about 6 months. This came about abruptly after she had a fall. She previously lived alone in her place several hundred miles away.

She doesn’t have any major health issues and her mobility is better every day. Her mental cognitive state seems to be sharp (but sometimes I wonder when she throws a tantrum like a 5 year old when things don’t go her way).

She keeps active by walking in the house. She eats a healthy diet, reads, listens to educational materials. She goes outside occasionally.

She is ok to be around when everything goes her way. She can be manipulating and controlling when it doesn’t. Can twist things around to make it all my fault - no matter what it is. She is only this way toward me, NO ONE else. (Been this way my whole life - took me years to realize).

I am any only child, with no one else to care for her.

I’m worried about the amount of time she spends alone in her room. I am worried that this will hasten mental impairment. She doesn’t like to talk much, and likes yes and no answers. But then says, about me, that I am busy and doesn’t want to bother me for anything. (Her controlling method so she can wait for everyone to be gone so she can do things her way). I’ve asked her about going to do several different things, but doesn’t want to. Doesn’t want anything to do with senior activities in the community. Only has energy to go out when she wants to go shopping.

Won’t establish a primary care doctor as she doesn’t like doctors and doesn’t want them to extend her life. She could use vision and hearing help, but won’t do that either.

Won’t visit with anyone who comes over. If anyone else is in the house, won’t come out of the room. Loves it best when no one is in her view, and can mill around on her own. Makes for an uncomfortable situation in which we feel we need to leave the area so she can do what she wants, or she won’t eat in a timely matter. That can lead to digestion problems.

I make all her meals. Usually in the morning, so she can get them from the refrigerator throughout the day. She eats a special diet, so most of her food is made separately from the rest of us. I have tried having her get her own meals (There is prepared food for her in the freezer), but that didn’t work at all. She does have a vast array of other foods in pantry and refrigerator that she can get to for easy snacks.

Certain foods can add to her occasional fecal incontinence. She has a rather unsanitary way of dealing with this, and we have talked several times about how we can deal with it. But to no avail, as she will hide what she is doing from me so as not to have it taken care of as we discussed.

She says I am not caregiving for her as she says she is doing for herself. She can take care of the ADLs, but I prepare all her food, and clean. We have tried her partaking in these activities to no avail. (She wasn’t able to keep her own house clean).

I can’t leave her in the house alone, so I can’t go anywhere unless someone else is home. I am trying to work from home, but productivity has fallen off.

It’s only been six months, and she doesn’t even have any major health problems. I can’t imagine when things start to decline. I can’t imagine living like this for the next 10 years or so. How do I adjust?

Should I consult someone about her lack of outside social activity? I’m worried about her mental state declining. Who do I talk to?

I do realize she has lost independence. I keep that in mind and am respectful of it. She was a very independent person.

I know this is too long, Thank You!