I’m new at this and looking for advice. I’d like to make mom safe, comfortable, and happy.
My 91 year old mother has been living with me and my DH for about 6 months. This came about abruptly after she had a fall. She previously lived alone in her place several hundred miles away.
She doesn’t have any major health issues and her mobility is better every day. Her mental cognitive state seems to be sharp (but sometimes I wonder when she throws a tantrum like a 5 year old when things don’t go her way).
She keeps active by walking in the house. She eats a healthy diet, reads, listens to educational materials. She goes outside occasionally.
She is ok to be around when everything goes her way. She can be manipulating and controlling when it doesn’t. Can twist things around to make it all my fault - no matter what it is. She is only this way toward me, NO ONE else. (Been this way my whole life - took me years to realize).
I am any only child, with no one else to care for her.
I’m worried about the amount of time she spends alone in her room. I am worried that this will hasten mental impairment. She doesn’t like to talk much, and likes yes and no answers. But then says, about me, that I am busy and doesn’t want to bother me for anything. (Her controlling method so she can wait for everyone to be gone so she can do things her way). I’ve asked her about going to do several different things, but doesn’t want to. Doesn’t want anything to do with senior activities in the community. Only has energy to go out when she wants to go shopping.
Won’t establish a primary care doctor as she doesn’t like doctors and doesn’t want them to extend her life. She could use vision and hearing help, but won’t do that either.
Won’t visit with anyone who comes over. If anyone else is in the house, won’t come out of the room. Loves it best when no one is in her view, and can mill around on her own. Makes for an uncomfortable situation in which we feel we need to leave the area so she can do what she wants, or she won’t eat in a timely matter. That can lead to digestion problems.
I make all her meals. Usually in the morning, so she can get them from the refrigerator throughout the day. She eats a special diet, so most of her food is made separately from the rest of us. I have tried having her get her own meals (There is prepared food for her in the freezer), but that didn’t work at all. She does have a vast array of other foods in pantry and refrigerator that she can get to for easy snacks.
Certain foods can add to her occasional fecal incontinence. She has a rather unsanitary way of dealing with this, and we have talked several times about how we can deal with it. But to no avail, as she will hide what she is doing from me so as not to have it taken care of as we discussed.
She says I am not caregiving for her as she says she is doing for herself. She can take care of the ADLs, but I prepare all her food, and clean. We have tried her partaking in these activities to no avail. (She wasn’t able to keep her own house clean).
I can’t leave her in the house alone, so I can’t go anywhere unless someone else is home. I am trying to work from home, but productivity has fallen off.
It’s only been six months, and she doesn’t even have any major health problems. I can’t imagine when things start to decline. I can’t imagine living like this for the next 10 years or so. How do I adjust?
Should I consult someone about her lack of outside social activity? I’m worried about her mental state declining. Who do I talk to?
I do realize she has lost independence. I keep that in mind and am respectful of it. She was a very independent person.
I know this is too long, Thank You!
Truth is, YOU lost YOUR independence.
Your mom sounds so much like my mother, I’m too “triggered” to give any reasonable advice.
Altho I will add this: Your mother is a candidate for residential care. (And I don’t mean your residence.)
You are in that horrible spot: Mom won’t do anything that’s not her idea. Yet she doesn’t have any ideas. OK - doesn’t have any GOOD ideas.
These years suck. My heart goes out to you.
Keep coming to AC Forum for support. You’re not as alone as you think you are. 🧡
I see from your profile, that you have been through a lot (as I’m sure everyone on this forum has). My mom also would not spend any money. Complained a handyman was too much at $25 to help her with things. And therefore many things were left undone.
Thank you for your support. I definitely have gained a lot of insight and how to better handle situations by reading posts on here. I appreciate it.
Your mom is 91. She is who she is. Like my mom, who lived to 95, she most likely just wants to be left alone and whatever happens will happen. I have to think that at her age, she does not want to be encouraged to socialize, especially if it involves meeting new people and making new friends and everything that involves. As we reach a certain age, our mental state will decline no matter what we do, eat or what meds we take. Don’t pressure Mom to do anything she doesn’t want to do. She is obviously content to spend time in her room, so let her. My mom sat in her chair in her room all day and I don’t think it really affected her one way or another.
Easier said than done, but let her snarky remarks, accusations and comments roll off your back. It’s who she is and apparently always has been. No matter who they are, two women living in the same house can prove a difficult situation. If Mom's particularly insulting, get up and walk out.
At some point, if things become unbearable, you may need to consider a facility.
I am getting better at letting negative comments go and not letting her get me riled up in response. I am walking away when I can, and it does seem to help.
I guess we both have a new life to adjust to.
You say she takes care of her own ADLs and describe her as mentally sharp, so why do you feel you can't ever leave her alone?
That would be very hard to hear all of the time.
I really appreciate all of your suggestions. I have tried talking to her about these things, but she usually gets very upset and says she doesn’t want to talk about it. But, I will try again, and approach it with your suggestions.
I am also going to try the suggestion about having her get one meal a day. I tried this before and she got upset and said I didn’t want to make her meals and that she would just eat Cheerios. Said she wants meat at every meal.
Well then that will be ok, eat Cheerios. Let’s skip the meat at this meal.
Thanks!
One small comment about fecal incontinence and food, which is a trial for me. Chili is the most common cause, with garlic next. I have to read that awful fine print of ingredients with anything I buy to make sure that chili isn’t there, and I am wary of ‘spices’. I’m OK with garlic in small amounts, but apparently some people aren’t. Some unfortunates can’t handle the relatives of chili, including tomatoes and capsicum. It might be worth some experiments.
Thank you for the thoughts on the food. My son has a hard time with tomatoes, so I will pick apart the ingredients in chili and see how they affect. I know she can’t tolerate much in spices with heat. Thanks for your input.
I don’t want to change her, just thought she would like more of this interaction. But maybe the time has come where she doesn’t feel like that anymore.
Thank You for your insight.
Need to try and adapt to new living situations and give a look and think about what comes next. Thank you all.