Been trying to help care for my mom and look after my dad for last 3 years. My mom has been diagnosed with depression has had bipolar for years. She has incontinence and anxiety. Been told she has dementia been debate between source of her problems dementia or depression. She does nothing herself sits in chair all day has catheter and depends. Past 3 years been hospitalized for frequent UTI's. Last year alone went to hospital 4 times then would she has septic shock last yr and sepsis on Christmas day due to infection. Out of all those visits she did spend time nursing home rehab and back at home for rehab for few weeks. She had constantly infection last fall did iv at home where had to be there 2 times a day to administer. My dad is power of attorney. And he's hard of hearing. He refuses to hire in home care or put her in a facility where she get care she needs. My youngest sister and I majority of last year went everyday to shower and change her after work and make her eat. But found once a day to clean and change her isnt enough she needs changed regularly and needs to eat 3 meals a day and someone to make sure she walks around house. When at home only eats once a day my dad ask her she said not hungry so only feeds her at night which is other source of problems cause she gets over medicated not eating enough. If you put food in front of her she eats. She uses a Walker now as well and every hospital visit shes also dehydrated which I know one day last week she was. My other 2 sister will now come regularly once a week. My mom screams and yell until my dad gives her what she wants. We are stuck since he's power of attorney and my youngest sister and I are tired we both work have are youngest kids in last year high school plus babysitting our grandkids regularly too. We know they need more help but refuse and we know she will end up hospitalized again for sitting in dirty diapers until one of us comes cause my dad isnt physically able to as well he deals with varicose veins and sores on his feet with diabetes. My other 2 sisters refuse to do a family meeting to tell him what should do. Since he doesn't see a need for a family meeting or want it and since he doesn't want in home care they dont see reason to discuss. Any suggestions what to do? The stress and arguing with mom to bathe, get out of chair, and argue to eat and argue with dad when she needs to go to hospital and drs and argue with siblings about changing situation is really weighing on 2 of us.
You cannot continue to care for this woman. You have a job and a child who needs you. I think its a good idea to get everyone together. Whether they like it or not. You all need to make Dad aware that you can't be doing this for Mom for the rest of her life. Decisions need to be made. He either hires someone or he places her because it seems he can't do it alone. Tell him you are calling people who maybe able to find him resources and help. (I wouldn't say Adult Protection Services) He needs to let them visit. Maybe one of you can be there for the visit.
My simple take here is:
Mum cannot care for herself & Dad is not managing.
The current care plan is not working & a new care plan is needed.
But Dad is the barrier to this. Yes?
I think she needs a thorough medical examination. There may be many physical & mental factors involved - a clear look again at the issues & treatment. Eg: if depression it is not being well controlled. Has she had scans to rule out other problems? Stroke?
Speak to Dad. Make it simple. "We all need to help Mum. Let's get her to the Doctor".
Both you & sister go along. Take Mum yourself when Dad is out if necessary.
If unable to go in person, write directly to Doctor (with guaranteed delivery receipt).
Get some professionals involved. You & your sister can make an incredible team here to support each other & get a better plan. Let us know.
You could back off and let a major incident happen then intervene to make sure she does not go back home. Do what you are comfortable with but stop the arguing. You can not make anyone do what they do not want to do. Like your parents or your siblings. But since you know their situation is rather dire:
You could call her doctor and ask for help, explaining the situation.
You could call adult protective services and explain the situation. They should be able to help you get her the care she needs.
What you should NOT do is more. Your plate is VERY full already. Do not sacrifice your health and sanity.
There comes a point where a person's health and safety are more important than what they "want". No one wants outside help. No one wants to leave their home. BUT, sometimes, these things are a sad reality that must be inflicted upon an unwilling person.
My youngest sister and I did it. I had to for 7 days go over there.right after son went to school and before I went to work and luckily my boss was understanding some days I was late. I dint see my husband much then either. He works 3rd shift and in am usual tie we touch base each other about.the day. It was rough driving back and forth then a few months later dr prescribed a different iv antibiotic and my dad had to do it because we refused and he struggled cause hes fingers go numb I called left message for dr to put her in hospital it backfired the dr spoke to my dad and nurse showed him how to do it and he told them he could handle it. But he couldn't he had to get up early to give it to her and his fingers went numb he had hard time administer it. My dad was pissed at me for calling dr and my 2 sisters that dont.want to help were pissed at
me for calling dr to. But all my concerns became true he didnt get rest forgot to take his meds and had problems administering the antibiotics thru the port.