My sister has been taking care of my mom for over a year while staying at my mom’s house after my dad passed away. Meanwhile my sister has her own household and would like to move my mom there instead. Mom refuses! Yet, our mom is bed bound and not an able body. She’s completely dependent on us feeding her, changing her diapers and sponge baths. she has kidney and heart disease. She’s not able body! Suggestions please! My sister sacrificed enough and it’s time for my sister to get back into her own household. Thank you!
"We cannot go on caring for you in this manner: as of the date of __________we will not return to this house. Here is the number for 911 and here is the number for Adult Protective Services (APS) for you to call. Otherwise you can agree to move into Sister's house NOW."
That's it. Clear as a cleaned window.
No argument. No nonsense.
Now I will say this, I would not be taking this unhappy woman into my own home and making it thereby her home. She will not be leveraged out of it. With diabetes the onslaught of ills, even up to and including gangrene in the feet and amputations that go on a bit at a time over and over, will be her new norm. To me this isn't doable care for one person, but that has to be her choice as an adult to make.
Caring for a non cooperating elder is to be frank impossible.
You must do as you see fit and I couldn't wish you more in terms of the very best of luck. I am so sorry for you all.
Your mom is bed bound and dependent. She doesn’t have a choice. Don’t give her a choice and don’t expect her to be like well ok.
You have to make this happen. It’s so rude of your mother to allow her daughter to be away from home for over a year to deal with her.
If your mother a narcissist and was she abusive when you all were growing up? Does she have dementia?
Tell your mother she either moves to your sister’s or she goes to a care home.
I also think your sister needs a several month break between now and receiving your mother at her house.
You start by getting your Mom assessed: either by her primary physician or the admissions director at a good, local facility, one that has Medicaid beds (don't put her anyplace that doesn't accept Medicaid). The facility rep can make a house call.
You can fill out the Medicaid application for her. Once submitted it takes 3 months or less to hear whether she's approved or not. She can go into the facility on private pay and then Medicaid pending. This means she gets first preference. Outsiders often are on waiting lists.
Are you planning on taking shifts with your sister if you move your Mom into her home? If not, what's the plan to prevent her from having burnout, which may happen sooner in her own home? If your sister has "sacrificed enough" maybe she stops being the only care solution for your Mom now. Whether your Mom wants it or not... the caregiving arrangement has to accommodate the caregiver, not the receiver. Your sister, at a very minimum, needs a very long break before moving your Mom in, if that what she chooses going forward.
I currently live close to my mom and will go there to help out. As POS, I take care of all the bills, etc. In the beginning everyone rotated nights. After a year of all of us doing so, the siblings will help here and there but too much with our kids, work, own households. I did mention to my sister that by her moving mom into her house she may not get as much support from us due to distance may get burnout even more! Bc she lives further for everyone’s houses and jobs! She doesn’t want to put mom in nursing home since she is bedbound. My sister worked in couple nursing homes and seen too much!! Only the best dog out mom.
I suggest that you contact APS now, get them to visit, and ask their advice. M may even be more willing to accept things when she hears it from APS - strangers in a government body, not from daughters she has always pulled rank on.