New caregiver to my mom. Feeling overwhelmed and guilty for losing patience.

Assisted Living is not the 1940's insane asylum or a prison cell. Don't let your Mom play that guilt game. Senior facilities are entirely different now. She will get proper meals, be kept clean and SAFE. She won't have to do any housework, cooking, laundry and other chores. I can imagine she doesn't do them now anyway.

She sold her home, so she has plenty of money. Otherwise she's going to have to pay 23% Capital Gains Taxes on that money. She certainly cannot buy another place and live in it by herself. Not when she falls, wanders, can't control her dog, screams and has panic attacks.

It will get worse, this is the tip of the iceberg. Go with her to the upcoming Dr. appts. and make sure you know what they tell her. She will lie otherwise. When she starts the whining about Assisted Living, ignore her.

Falls, 911 calls, panic attacks, 4am doorbells, screaming and having a diabetes diagnosis are way out of your skill set. How much medical training have you had? She's got so much going on medically already, she seriously needs professionals and 24/7 care.

She needs a full checkup from a geriatric doctor. She shows all the classic dementia behaviors already. You need to stay strong and get her placed where she is safe. You didn't cause this, you can't fix it. Don't let Mom control the situation, or laugh off every dangerous thing she does. Don't let her keep up the "You don't want me here" guilt trips, either. You simply do not have the training and experience to take care of her. You had good intentions, but now see the reality. She will have plenty of people around to keep an eye on her, activities, and other women her age to talk to.

She tells you she wants to go home, but she sold her home and doesn't own it anymore. Work with her doctors on getting her into a safe place, before your marriage gets ruined and things get worse. Take her keys and don't let her drive and get someone killed.

Don't promise her anything...but "I'll make sure you get the help you need."

Thank you so much everyone for all
your help and advice. She actually fell today and ended up on the floor. I was home alone with her she couldn’t get her up, so I had to call an ambulance. They helped her and left. She also slid out of her chair 2 nights ago but I was able to get her up before she was on the floor. She was very upset and was asking me to promise her I wouldn’t send her to a nursing home. Ot and pt started coming and they don’t want her to use the stairs at all, they want her to just sponge-bathe (we have a half bath downstairs, but the shower is upstairs. She’s been obsessed with going through her unpacked boxes in the garage, i swear I’m going to scream. Everyday she says she going to go out and rip open boxes. It’s so ridiculous because there’s nowhere to put all the things in them. She has boxes of just random stuff she brought. She literally brought garbage in boxes with her. Then she makes me feel bad that I won’t go out there and dig through them for her. I’ve spent hours and hours going through it all when she first got here and set up her room, closet, etc. it’s just something for her to fixate on. She has a ton of dr appointments coming up and has no filter when she talks to them, it’s so embarrassing and she insults people and has no idea that it’s inappropriate. It’s just so overwhelming. I know I’m not the only one going through all this and it’s such a comfort reading through these forums. Thank you for all the support.

Sounds like she needs a facility that Can care for her . You will get worn Out and end up having a nervous breakdown . Basically Your On Call 24/ 7 and its hard to Maintain constant Vigilance .

First of all, don’t feel guilty. You’re allowed to be short with her under the circumstances. Secondly, it’s already clear that it’s not working out for any of you, especially your husband.

A friend of mine moved her mother into her home and there were all kinds of issues. Eventually, the Mom moved into LTC—the home allowed pets. If your Mom has the necessary funds, that might be the best option.

I hope that you find a way forward.

You are going to destroy your marriage with this over the long term. Your mother is young and you can expect this to continue for a long time and the situation will only become worse. It will never improve.

Make sure you have POA in place and figure out what you need to do.

Mom’s correct, her moving in was a mistake. No one in the home finds this working out. Please lose the misplaced guilt and find a new plan. She’s laughing in an attempt to hide the dementia that’s coming on strong. Mom’s rapidly losing the ability to make sound decisions and good judgments. No one’s fault, certainly not yours. Have a cognitive evaluation done when she sees the doctor, minus discussing it with mom. I saw your response about her not wanting assisted living, most anyone doesn’t, but this becomes about what is needed, and what is wanted is just gone. She needs more care than you can reasonably provide, again not your fault. This isn’t about appeasing her or attempting to make her happy, it’s about keeping her safe and cared for, and importantly, about preserving your health and marriage. I wish you courage and peace

You need to first get her a good physical. She needs labs to check her numbers. It could be something physical. If she did not care properly for her diabetes it could be that. If nothing is found, she needs a Neurologist to determine if a Dementia is involved and what type. Then you can determine what to do from there.

If she has Dementia, you cannot expect her to care properly for the dog. If you don't want to care for it, then find it a good home.

Good Morning,

An only child is another whole set up. There is a video on YouTube, a recent one on this subject.

An assessment needs to be done. A Geriatric Neuro-Psy doc. The primary care doctor can write orders. A lifeline button with a GPS is going to be a lot easier than a phone that must be worn anytime your mother leaves the house.

Your health insurance will provide occupational therapy, physical therapy, home blood draw and speech therapy. I recommend a one morning a week 4-hour day respite program in the neighborhood with transportation to and from. You can find one with a nurse on duty, They too can have p/t or o/c and speech done on the premises, however, it's a co-pay with insurance.

These places are needed for safety reasons--usually a continental breakfast, lunch, exercise and activities. The ratio is usually 5-1 with supervision, etc. I would have my mother's vitals done each week too.

The medications are tricky. You have to find the right one(s) for your mother's physiology. I used to dread mornings' and evenings' putting mother to bed, now it's a totally different story. It's a miracle really.

Exercise is so important. An Up Walker Lite is the best thing for my mother. It gave her freedom, builds a strong inner core, best for breathing and posture.

Good shoes are important and Lands End sells elastic waist pants with pockets in all sizes, petit, tall, etc. The pull over tops all cotton are great. White cotton brief underwear are a must along with cranberry tabs or a shot of cranberry juice in the morning to prevent UTI's.

Shoes by SAS MaryJane Roamer with adjustable velcro straps assist if there is edema. The shoes are weighted on the bottom for balance. Well worth the money. You can buy these online. With diabetes, I believe, Medicare will reimburse you (just make sure you have the scrip from the doctor "before" purchase).

Hard-boiled eggs for protein in the morning are a good add-on. Basic food--chicken, baked potato, fresh string beans. Have mother pull off the tips. She will feel part of the household, folding towels, etc.

See if you can have a cleaning woman come in with your mother's services. This is a full-time job for an only child with a family.

The portals save time. It's easier for the doc to answer an email than a phone call. Sign up for all portals and a put a list of prescriptions on the refrigerator and in your wallet in case there is a trip in the ambulance. If your mother is on blood thinner or has Dementia put that on the top of the prescription list along with if she wears hearing aids. Make sure mother's ears are cleaned out as that problem can mimic hearing loss and Dementia when simply all that is needed is wax removal.

Have the Church people come in and make a visit. I know it's hard with a family a regular schedule for your mother will be best for all. For example, on Tuesday morning Mom goes to the morning respite program, etc. You can check them out online. Some attendees are almost mute, others had fabulous careers before the Dementia took over and others are there due to safety; they can't be left alone.

The dog is an issue, an expense along with mother falling over him. No step-in shoes or throw rugs. A locked pill box, one for evening, one for daytime. A hospital bed with 1/2 railings that goes up and down and grab bars in the shower, a shower chair and railing around the toilet NOT the booster seat as that causes UTI's--you can't wipe yourself properly. All of these things should be covered by Durable Medical Equipment. You need the doc to write scrips "beforehand".

The Dollar Store for notebooks (used as checking account ledgers) and business envelopes. An envelope for each month with any receipt from a debit card/checking account. Check your mother's online balance each morning (it takes 2 minutes). If there is an error you can catch it right away and just go through the envelope for that month. You need a system.

Dear Jamesness, I’m so sorry for this terrible burden you’re bearing. I’m an only child too, with kids at home, and I know how incredible this stress can be. Please know that you have already gone far above and beyond what your mother or anyone else could possibly expect from you. You have a right to your own life and a peaceful home. Your mother is the one who should feel guilty for burdening you with her needs and stealing your time and energy and resources. You’ve done the best you could with what you knew at the time. When you moved your mother in with you, you believed it was best. Don’t beat yourself up for that decision — it may yet bear fruit in ways you can’t yet see. However, I agree with the other posters that this situation is untenable. There are no-cost placement agencies that can help you find assisted living for her, and a good elder law attorney, while expensive, can be invaluable in helping you navigate the system and get financial and legal matters in order.

Your mom will likely be resistant and angry and try to make you feel guilty. But guess what? She’s already doing all of those things. The difference is that if she lives elsewhere, you get to walk away when she’s being difficult. You can see her as much or as little as you feel you can handle. You regain control of your life.

Old age brings with it many painful realities and losses. This is not your fault, and you can’t fix it or improve it. Your mom is so lucky to have such a caring daughter. But caring for her does not need to extend to you sacrificing everything for her. You would never ask that of your own children, and it’s grossly unfair for her to ask it of you (and then to insist that you do it with a smile and endless patience). Moving her to assisted living (or skilled nursing, if she qualifies) will improve both of your lives tremendously. I pray that it can be accomplished as quickly and simply as possible. In the meantime, please take care of yourself as best you can, and keep us posted. <3

I think you need to talk to yourself, on the level.
- “I feel so guilty”. Wrong. It’s not your fault that M is old, and is upsetting your husband, your marriage and your home. Guilty of what – trying and finding that it isn’t working? You are sorry, but not guilty.
- “She keeps telling me she made a mistake moving in with me”. She’s right. Ask what SHE now thinks would be better. Ask yourself and your husband the same question.
- “I don’t want her here but that’s not true”. It certainly OUGHT to be true. You would have to be crazy to want this, the way it is turning out. You might ‘want her here’ on different terms, but not like this. She knows full well that it isn’t working out, and that’s what she is saying.

The first step in changing this for the better is to admit that this is all going wrong. There is no easy solution for keeping her with you. Once you admit the truth, you can look for better solutions – for all of you.

I'm sorry, this is very difficult for you. It was a mistake to move her in with you, but she also wasn't safe living alone either. Really a facility is the answer, for her safety. You can't handle this because her cognitive decline is too great. You will be on edge constantly about what bad things will happen next, either physical or with the judgement, It will damage your marriage, and also it's unhealthy for your children to be amidst tension and chaos.

This is not just a question of personality clashes or differing lifestyles. I don't know how best you get your mother to agree to move into a secure facility but it's necessary. Would she consider being in one closer to where she originally lived -- does she have friends there who would visit? How big is her dog? Some facilities allow pets, others don't. I suggest you start researching options now. If she needs to go into the hospital, that's the easiest way to make the transition, by having them send her by medical transport. But it does take some time to set up.

Above all, don't feel guilty!!! You intended the best for her but didn't know the extent of her decline and her needs and the impact those would have on your family.

I want this to sound gentle because it's meant to be gentle and I am on your side. Moving her in, as you've found out, was an enormous mistake. It will only get much worse. For the love of God, you need to find an assisted living facility nearby. Research them first and when you find several nice ones, tell her to choose one but she has to move out. I know she's stubborn, but don't give her the option of remaining with you. She'll tell you she'd rather die than go in one and say you're mean and horrible, but she won't die -- they often use great dramatics to get their way. It will be harder the longer you put it off. This is already a recipe for disaster and it will affect your marriage soon enough. I wish you the absolute best, but please move her. It's already too much for you. She needs to be in assisted living.

Your mother is trying to cover up her deficits by laughing. She's right...it was a big mistake moving in with you. She needs Assisted Living or Memory Care Assisted Living and to use the funds from the sale of her home to finance her care there.

First, however, she needs a dementia diagnosis which is a 15 minute MoCA or SLUMS test administered in the doctors office. All the issues she's having surely add up to a cognitive impairment which could be exacerbated by a mental health issue. Her meds are not working and her executive brain function isn't either. If it was, she wouldn't be ringing the doorbell at 4am, getting lost, driving on the wrong side of the road or standing there screaming when her dog ran off. The executive brain function tells her what to do. She's lost with that, so testing is crucial. They will ask her to draw the face of a clock at 3pm to test that. My mother drew a blob. That's when I saw for myself WHY she was putting pills in coffee cups and calling me her mother.

You cannot likely handle mom in your home for very long. I had mom in Assisted Living and then Memory Care Assisted Living when her dementia progressed to a point they could no longer handle her in AL.
There is no shame in placement. And it's very frustrating to deal with these unhinged behaviors, especially when you don't know WHAT'S going on. Nobody's got the patience of Job, my friend.

One step at a time here. Get her diagnosed and then placed. Your primary focus is your husband, not your mother. She needs peers her own age to schmooze and complain with. And gossip with and get upset with one another over nothing. My mother thrived on it 😊

She'd have been bored to tears living with me and we'd have been at one another's throats. In AL, she had autonomy and her own lovely apartment. And I had my sanity and my marriage intact.

Best of luck to you.

She still laughs, so there is that.

She will not get better, only worse. Accept that and start asking yourself questions, such as how long can this continue without your losing your mind, your marriage and who knows what else. Yes, it really is that serious.

Start looking at managed care facilities so you’ll be ready with options when the inevitable happens. She’s wandering, she’s unhappy with you, she falls, and she needs 24/7 care. I’m so sorry it hasn’t worked out.

Oh yes...this looks like dementia or cognitive issues and she is not safe to be unsupervised. Try to get a diagnosis as soon as you can and try to give fibs about her not going home. Ask her PCP for a geriatric consult. Go to her PCP and ask her in front of staff if you can speak to her doctor for a verbal yes from her and for her to agree to fill out a HIPPA form. That geriatric appointment might take a while to schedule. Meanwhile she is going to continue to drive you crazy. Does she have enough funds from the house sale to put her in memory care. She will certainly need to be locked in and the dog will need care.
Next step if she gets a diagnosis is to ask the doctor if she needs full time supervision and if he is willing to sign paperwork to get her into a facility using proceeds from the house sale.
Keep in mind that is if she did not give POA there might be complications that will need an elder attorney service.
Another option is for her to have an accident that brings her to the ER. You will have to work quickly to seek the social worker that she would be an unsafe discharge since she really does not have caregivers to keep her safe.
One more option can be to hire people to watch her. That is if she agrees, but don't expect success.

This situation will only get worse so you will have to be proactive and learn things on the fly. Do nothing and you can burn out and your health can suffer.

BTW, just about everyone who needs it will refuse a facility. You need to balance the disease over her dismissal that she needs care. Many find that MC or AL actually provides essential programs for cognitive loss

Jamesness, welcome to the forum!

I think I agree with your mom, moving her in with you was a mistake. She needs far more care than you can give her. You AND your family deserve some peace and privacy in your own home.

Start out by getting mom an assessment from your local Area Agency on Aging. Alternatively, her doctor can order one.

She sounds like a good candidate for Assisted Living. Start looking at facilities in your area