Hello. First post. I'm just looking for similar experiences and some advice. My mom is 78 yrs old, stage 4 COPD, overweight and just in general bad shape. As far back as I can remember (I'm 44) my mom has made it clear it is my job to repay her for taking care of me. She has been reminding me since I was about 8 yrs old that she bathed her mother when she was in hospice care and that she was grateful to do it. I've never been able to travel or experience my own life because she has always asked me how I'd feel if I was away and she died? Yes, I know it was my choice to let her guilt trip me. I have a million stories but this is my most current issue. She hasn't had a proper shower or bath in years. She thinks washing at the sink with a washcloth is sufficient. I suggested multiple times that I'd help her bathe with a shower chair and she wont even discuss it. This led to a fungal infection which landed her in the hospital. While there, she was VERY upset with me for not helping her wipe herself after using the bathroom or washing her down with a cloth. She promptly signed herself out after 2 days against the Dr's orders. Now she has a pic line and has to go for infusions daily for a month. I suffer from clinical depression, severe social anxiety as well as Graves disease and Gastroparesis. Some days it's TOO MUCH. Yesterday I picked her up and she told me she was so upset about being a burden to me that while there they had to call in a priest and her nurse told her not to feel guilty about a thing., that's what kids are for. But is that what kids are for? I do not and will never expect my daughter to take care of me. She didn't ask to be born. And my mom said she doesn't wanna be a burden but 48 more hrs in the hospital and she'd have had the medication she needed instead of both of us going through all this extra stuff and REFUSES help, even part time. She says I am her daughter and I will do it. I already am responsible for everything but financial matters (appts, grocery store, cleaning, etc.). Am I a horrible daughter? I'm sure the staff at the hospital thinks I am. I will always say she is like the mom in 'Now Voyager' minus the criticisms about my appearance.
It's true that you were groomed to do this. However, all the while you were being groomed you were able to look around and see where your mom's choices led her. And who they led her to be. Children are very smart. They see things, and they long for and plan their escapes in many circumstances.
At age 44 you are now an adult. You have spent years in a habitual manner of living that you realize now is not working for you. At 44 you are young still.
I was accused yesterday basically of being the "mean girl" on this page: so I will let you know that early on. You can then feel free to kick my advice to the nearest curve if you like. BUT...................
Girl, you have choices to make.
Once made, you will have to accept that they ARE your choices, and you will have to live with the repercussions. You can stay where and as you are, because honestly, there's nothing so hard as breaking habits of "being". While our lives might be MISERABLE, they are still the "known" and that new path out there--the one that's so twisting and dark and unknown? THAT is something fearsome.
It's time to seek help now.
No one here can change what has been 44 years of training and acceptance and misery. This is going to have to be a process guided by an expert, not the opinion of some old bat of 82 (that's me). You need GOOD professional help of someone who will support you in slowly combing out this tangle. Slowly, gently, but with pain that can't be avoided.
I am so sorry for all you have gone through, for all you are going through, but when you make the conscious decision to set yourself on a new path you will eventually be so proud of yourself that you will never again need the approval of ANYONE else.
There's no miracle. This stuff is painful slow step by step and it can be a "Simon-says" game of one step forward, two back at times. Be easy with yourself. Keep a journal.
OK, as to the opinion of your mom, and others. Scissors off the opinions of others about "what kids are for" and everything else; they are meaningless and silly.
As to Mom it will eventually have to be an eye-to-eye sit down of:
"I am sorry mom. My limitations mean I cannot do this care any more. I will be moving out in (give a time). I need to work, have my own life, make my own family. I understand all you did for your own loved ones, all you did for me, and I will try to pay that FORWARD. But I cannot pay it back. I understand that you will grieve my decision and that you will be angry. I don't expect your understanding, or even your best wishes, but this cannot be changed."
Then it is hug. There will be anger, tears, martyrdom, manipulation, terror. ALL of those. But Sainthood is a bad job description. No one ever thanks them.
I wish you the best.
Check out the website Outofthefog.website for lots of great info about FOG and to hear more stories from others about what you're going thru.
Here is another great website to check out: 25 Signs of a Passive-aggressive Covert Narcissist
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
My mother was the queen of FOG tactics so I vowed to never live with her or do any hands on caregiving. I had her in Assisted Living and then Memory Care Assisted Living until she passed at 95. Bad enough but not as bad as it could've been, God knows.
Get out of this dysfunctional dynamic asap and mother will figure out how to HIRE help or move into Assisted Living once you're no longer around to serve her. Take your life back my friend. You deserve to.
I do have a few questions if you care to elaborate more on your situation: Are you living with your mom? Has she ever been diagnosed with a mental illness, such as borderline personality disorder? Your description of her reminds me of some of the mothers described in Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson. From the description on Amazon:
“Addressing the adult children of borderlines and the therapists who work with them, Dr. Lawson shows how to care for the waif without rescuing her, to attend to the hermit without feeding her fear, to love the queen without becoming her subject, and to live with the witch without becoming her victim.”
Thinking of you!
Also learn,
“ I will not do that , hire help mother “.
You are not a horrible daughter , you were groomed to be your mother’s slave as was I.
First of all don’t believe the cr4p your mother tells you about what other people say . It’s all manipulation and guilt trips to keep you under her thumb.
You did not make Mom old . You have nothing to feel guilty about . Your mother is a selfish witch treating you like that since you were 8 years old . I was told at a very young age as well that I was to take care of her .
As the other’s said take your life back .
If she is competent enough to sign herself out of the hospital, she is competent enough to deal with the consequences. You are not responsible for fixing her poor choices. Trust me, this will only get worse. My mother tried o kill herself when I refused to leave my husband and kids to be by her side 24/7. I used that to get her placed in care and tested for competency.
Dial back your interactions with her. So what if she throws a fit! Tell yourself (not her) that you will solve every other issue. Then every third. Hold her accountable for her situation. Stop enabling her.
Now that my mother can’t control me she insults me. Believe me, I’d rather hear about how fat and ugly I am during a brief monthly visit than be chewed out daily about how I owe her my life and had no business marrying or having kids of my own. She needs you more than you need her! Take back the power!
It might be time to say "Yes, I am your daughter, not your servant".
"I will no longer be your crutch as you are not independent, and you are abusing me".
This stops now, NO becomes your watchword, set your boundaries, grow a backbone, only you have the power to retain your life and mental well-being.
I'm so sorry you have had to go though what so many of us have been though.
I was new here in February, it took me some time to get it all, and then it's taken me some time to heal my pain. But I want to say when you are mentally and physically healthier, life can be amazing. I have such peace In my heart now.
I also want to suggest stick with us and read and answer questions. Sometimes when I answer someone questions as I write I get all these light bulbs moments.
And I still get strength and help reading and answering questions.
As Anna said , after you back away you get insults. I was earlier feeling sorry for myself, because this morning I decided I haven't seen Mom in a while, and was feeling bad, took her out to, are local Apple. Farm , then are local dairy farm. Wasn't told i was fat, but was told I have a very low IQ , when I read what Anna said it made me feel a whole lot better.
Mom has bounced from , not talking to me, to love bombing me, to insulting, and back again.
So this is still a journey, but I will tell you, life can be good!!
As for the nurses, ya have to just stop caring. It's the only way to get though this.
Welcome and best of luck
Request also that they give mom a bath or shower while she is there.
Discharging her to her home is unsafe. And you are unable to properly care for her. (Kicker here is that you will not pick her up when she signs herself out AMA, she needs to find her own way home)
the nurse that agreed with your mother that that is what kids are for is WAY OUT OF LINE. (I probably would ask to talk to a Nursing Supervisor and inform her/him of the comment, it was uncalled for and unprofessional)
Any mom that would guilt and force their own child into caring for them when they themselves don't want to take responsibility for their own health and care is a piece of sh** in my book.
Cut your losses, and let APS(Adult Protective Services)take over her care, and let her become a ward of the state.
You deserve so much better and I am so sorry that you have a mom who only cares about herself and not her own child or grandchild. That is just so wrong on so many levels.
You are NOT responsible for your moms care. Period, end of sentence.
You are only responsible for your self, your spouse(if applicable)and your daughter.
Please stop the insanity of this very sick and dysfunctional situation. You must now put your big girl panties on and show your daughter the fine art of setting boundaries, and using the word no with your mom, so your mental health can recover and you can move forward in a more healthy way.
I hope you'll have the strength and courage to do just that.
Just thinking about you. Provide us an update when you can.
Also very important here — with COPD your mom will likely qualify for hospice. Take advantage of this. They are angels. They will come to her home and bathe her, talk to her, monitor her health and will also care for YOU. They will help you find the right care for her throughout her journey.
I understand the guilt trips. In her state of dementia, my mom also will not accept the fact that she can’t live with me or my brother. She begs me to just let her sleep on my floor and it’s heartbreaking. Could I find a way to care for her in my home? Probably. But I know that having her in my home 24/7 would destroy me. Four years ago before she got dementia she lived with me and my husband for three months. One day I seriously felt I did not want to live any longer and in that moment I put myself first and told her she would have to find her own place (with my help).
Help your mother get proper care but set boundaries for how much you will take on. No one can tell you where those boundaries are but you. I wish you all the best and send you light to find your way to freedom.
What you are - is the proud owner of a self-absorbed mother - who had children for the wrong reason. It sounds to me like she is a master manipulator and she spent your entire childhood making sure that you would jump when she said jump - for the rest of your life. She didn't bring you into the world for you to have a life of your own. She brought you into the world to make sure that HER needs were met.
It isn't your responsibility to take care of your mother. It has NEVER been your responsibility to take care of your mother. It was HER responsibility to take care of you for a time, to teach you how to be a productive adult, so that you could go out and live YOUR life. Not to ROB you of your life. Your mother has taken it upon herself to usurp you of your entire life. She didn't have that right.